Lads, for the good of everyone, i didnt take a photo at the time. But if its complete inventiveness and ingenuity your after, than look no further....
Although my genius could not be re-used, or benefit any body else, it saved me and helped me remain dignified (temporarily) whilst in the hospitality of several women who i had only met the night before....
The scene: Vauxhall, London. Small flat, 4 tenants
The situation: Aggressive and unrelenting post-night out ale ****s, coming at me thick, fast and mercilessly
The problem: Not a paper item to be found any where in the property, not a magazine, old newspaper, kitchen towel, sanitary towel, never mind bog roll, this place was a paper desert with out a single suitable item to wipe my arse with. i didnt even wear socks on the night out. We were in shoreditch after all, so i had to remain trendy...
The solution: As i was abruptly awoken at 7.30am with diabolical stomach cramps as the 13 pints of dark ale was insiting on making a swift exit from my ring, i was on a timer....a short one, before i **** myself in front of 3 women currently making me breakfast (you can congratulate me later). So i had to get innovative, and fast. While scouring the house looking for something that would do it, i began to get desperate, almost tearful as i would have to leave the house in search of some sort of bush, dark alley, childrens play ground, to go dump in, but then, just as i was about to give up hope, and succumb to the fact i would be evacuating my bowels within my jeans in a sweaty, shame filled **** puddle....i remembered....the day before whilst out shopping, i had bought new shoes....and with every new pair of shoes....you get that thin sheet of paper to keep them dust free or whatever, it was genius, i was saved, i rushed upstairs in an ecstatic fumble and bound into my friends bedroom to gather up my paper and..... the ****, the absolute weasel faced son of a ******* had used my paper, he had beaten me to it, but, being a good friend, he anticipated i may struggle in the morning, and he had left my a strip 3 inches wide by 12 inches long to tidy myself up with...i had to fold it into a point, and scrape my arse like it was a spade.
a low point in my life, yet a strong reminder to myself, that no matter how hard the world tries to throw me into that cavern of undignified and shameful existence from whence i emerged.... it wont beat me, not ever.