British humour is different

[steve50]

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old, Hateful little *******. Bites!
___________________________________________
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
________________________________________________
FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
_______________________________________________________

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
________________________________________________________

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer
_____________________________________________________________

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
___________________________________________________________
And the WINNER is...

FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, ï¿∏200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

(Statement of the Century)
___________________________________________________________

Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.

"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,
How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
____________________________________________________________


Children Are Quick
TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
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TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
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TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

 

[steve50]

Meals on Wheels?

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, 'You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.'

The cat thought for a minute and then said, 'All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.'

God said, 'Say no more.' Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat .

The mice said, 'Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.'

God answered, 'It is done.' All the mice had beautiful little roller-skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, 'Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?'

The cat replied, 'Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!'

 

[steve50]

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door.
She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down.
We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.' The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.

My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.'

He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.

My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'.


They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet.

The GP's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.

He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, 'Your wife's ----- doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose!
Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant! God only knows who the father is!' Then he closed the door. The silence was deafening.

Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!

 

[Paul.M]

I've just been having a spring clean and found a Christmas present in the loft that I forgot to give my son.

Shame, he would have loved that puppy.

 

[Guest111]

god leaves jesus in charge of heaven and when he returns he is confused as to why hitler is there,so he asks his son who tells him well dad he said if I let him in he would give me an iron cross. god looks at him and says what do you want an iron one for,you couldn,t handle the wooded one.

 

[Guest111]

a white horse walks into a pub and orders a drink,barman looks at horse and says we,ve got a whisky named after you,horse replies what Eric?

 

[Guest111]

a man walked into a bar and promptly started to swear loudly,it was an iron bar lol.

a man visiting a farm spots a pig with 3 legs so he asks the farmer what happened,farmer tells him that his son was crossing road and a car came flying round corner and would have hit him but the pig rushed out and pushed him away,man says oh I see and thats how it lost its leg? farmer replied no but when you get a pig that good you don,t want to eat it all at once.

 

[_q12x_]

Here is a Romanian joke:
-What job has your parents? asks the teacher:
-My father is engineer, says Gheorghe
-My father is mechanic, says Ionel
-My father is BOSS, says Bula
-Reaaaalllly? How so mister Bula? - asks very intrigued the teacher
-He has 500 people under him.
-Aaaand what is he doing more precisely ?
-Cutting grass in the cemetery.

 

[_q12x_]

Another Romanian joke:
Zorro is seeing a beautiful sexi young and most wanted lady.
To impress her, makes a quick "Z" on a wall
The girl looks at him and his symbol and exclaims
- Uau, Zuperman!