Coronavirus - Keeping it light :-)

[OnlQQker]

"Do you know what speed you were doing, Sir?" asked the policeman.
"I do apologise Officer," I replied. "I've never used this road before, and I honestly thought it was an unrestricted zone."
"No you didn't!!" my wife protested. "We only live round the corner, you said you were putting your foot down because there wouldn't be any coppers around this late!"
"May I see your insurance?" the cop said grimly. "I've just renewed it," I assured him. "It'll be in the post, I'll drop a copy to the station next week."
"Actually," said the wife, "you were short on cash this month and said you'd leave it til you had the money. It ran out a fortnight ago."
I turned to her and snapped "will you keep your mouth shut, you stupid cow...." "Does he always talk to you like that, Madam?" asked the copper. "No," my wife replied. "Only when he's been drinking."

~Barry Cryer~

 

[OnlQQker]

 

[littlespark]

I saw a photoshopped image the other day with Sue Grey and Boris in a still from the Fifty Shades of Grey film.

And I brought up a little bit of sick….

 

[123]

 

[littlespark]

And everyone though the Tories couldn’t organise a ---- up in a brewery

 

[OnlQQker]

 

[OnlQQker]

 

[OnlQQker]

Over in Russia...

 

[OnlQQker]

 

[littlespark]

vet/ taxidermist?
There’s one job that could lead into another…

“I’m sorry, mrs smith… there was nothing I could do for your apparently healthy budgie… I know this was just a check up… here’s the bill”

Sounds the same as:-

“I’m sorry, mrs smith… I can’t do any of the electrical jobs you asked for because, eh…. Um…. I would need to change your consumer unit to a metal one… yes. That’s it… mhmm… and your ehhh… cables are the wrong colour.. Needs a full rewire!…. Here’s the bill.”

 

[OnlQQker]

New Species Of Spider Found In Western Australia...

 

[OnlQQker]

 

[Julie.]

 

[OnlQQker]

Looking for a bit of advice... What's the best number of Roses to give the girlfriend for Valentine's Day? - 6? 12? 24?

Or the whole tin?





What's the difference between a £20 steak and a £55 steak?

February 14th...

 

[Julie.]

Worse than that, I told my husband not to bother with flowers this year.

So the pillock didn't get me any!!!!