Mental health in the electrical industry

[Buzz1980]

Hi all
Just wanted to put this out there to see if there is any other sparks that struggle with this. I have suffered from OCD/anxiety for many years now since I was really young. Over the years it has got worse and worse it can jump from anything that I worry about . I don’t have OCD where I go around cleaning everything. But I have OCD where I can’t leave things without checking all the time that I have done it correctly, but the more times I check the less blurry and less sure I am that I have done it correctly. I can come away from a job and worry that I have left switches off, cables exposed and worry that someone is going to get hurt from my work. I then go over and over in my head yeah you did screw everything back and you did check before you left. But can’t convince myself that I have. Now through out my time as a spark, I studied more done more courses etc etc and this has made me become more knowledgeable but with the more knowledge and experience I get the worse my Anxiety gets as I think back to jobs I down years ago and think oh I’ve done that wrong, oh I should have done that, oh how did I do that instead of that. Now this is when I was in my final years of apprenticeship and when I just came out of my time. This is sometimes down to bad advice from other sparks and not really looking into things myself but when I do find out the advice is wrong and should be doing things the other way. Or just not knowing any better but over the years I have gained more knowledge which is making my anxiety worse as I go over every job I’ve done scrutinise it and start worrying that someone is going to get hurt or fire break out due to the works I have done. This worry will keep with me for a while until my anxiety starts to ease off. Until the next flare up. I just wish I could start my time over again and do things the way I want to do them but this is a OCD trait wanting everything to be perfect. Just wanted to see if there are any other sparks that suffer this way. Thanks in advance ?

 

[LukeD]

Jesus ....Thats a hard read

 

[Mike Johnson]

Wow that was! a hard read, hope you are better now and in a good place, depression leading to suicide is not something I understand the turmoil that leads to it must be so overwhelming to think that the only way out is to switch off, I feel for those that are left behind, what must they think, how did I not notice? how could I have helped?

 

[OnlQQker]

Probably the hardest thing I've ever written tbh.

There is still a massive stigma attached to suicide and mental health. And if I'm to be honest I wrote the above and very nearly not posted it.
But I do know of others that have gone through with suicide and succeeded, when I've been asked what I thought I would just say 'I can't understand it' yet I knew the ground only to well and did understand it. But didn't want anybody else to think I had come so close.



All that works for me these days is just telling myself life is not forever. That way I can move forward with some kind of internal peace and nobody is going to be left hurt.
I know life is what you make of it, I don't blame anybody now for how I ended up at the bottom of that pit. Yet I did at the time.
It was everybody's and everything's fault, but I understand now it was how I absorbing things said to me. I had totally lost the 'take it with a pinch of salt' teachings.

I came through 40 years managing not to look to closely at anything, in a way I ignored things, kind of not focused on anything and lived in this bubble which I felt protected in.
But then I started to wake up and look around me at everything, and this is where the internet did me no favours whatsoever. The news was always bleak, misinformation was spread left, right and centre. I started to wonder if anything I had ever been taught at school, home media was actually correct.

I've learnt now to stay away from social media, twitter, facebook etc. I've learnt to stay in the moment and not dwell over the past which is a classic sign of depression, I've also learnt to not dwell on the future and what could happen and go wrong therefore reducing my anxiety.
I'm glad I've managed to do that because every day now something doomy is thrown out in the media. Covid, Russia, Politician Scandals etc etc.
I'm to the conclusion now that what will be will be and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. But that has took what happened to me to get to this point, so I write this in hope it may help somebody who is at the very bottom of the pit.

It is true that the only person that can do anything about it is yourself. I was on medication 5 years before I even attempted suicide, I must admit the medication did work, but it took a little part of me away, I was no longer interested in anything, and if I tried to do something like play the piano for example then I couldn't even remember the notes anymore. It takes away your creative side, and leaves you a bit like a zombie, I just ended up wanting to sleep all the time. And for those 5 years that's all I did.

Then you get mental health people that would talk to you once a week, and this helped a lot for the hour I was sat there with them, but once you left and went home I was stuck in exactly the same place all over again till the next week.
When they did realise how bad I was they put me in a hospital I could not get out of, and tested more drugs, the sleeping pill was my favourite, yet watching others in there being held down and injected because it did kick off daily, made me realise it's really not much different to the victorian era, but the beds are probably more comfortable now days.

I don't have the answers for anybody that is or close to the very edge. And I realise that a lot of people stay completely trapped within themselves because they don't want to hurt there family or anybody else.
Yet that is equally tough ground because they live in a world where nobody has a clue how they are really feeling. And speaking to family or friends then most of the time its, 'pull yourself together' or 'people had it way worse in the war' or 'there are millions of people worse off than you' etc etc.
And though they are trying to help there are no magic words, the best magic words are the ones not spoken and someone just listens, but that's not great especially for the person listening. It's dark ground. And very draining.
It's a lot easier to do if you're walking though, the exercise is part of the cure in itself!

The only real advice I can give to anybody fighting these sort of demons is, when that internal voice starts telling you that you're useless, not worth it, alone because nobody likes you or anything else that cause you to start judging things and making you feel you might not be capable of anything and hating yourself, then you literally have to start fighting back, tell yourself you can do it, you're not a loser, you don't hate yourself etc, this does take time

You have to challenge it every day and slowly that internal voice gets quieter, it's not easy, but it is doable.

 

[Megawatt]

Thanks for the replies. Yeah totally agree with all points but when you go through your time and with more studying you find out the advice given is wrong. Anxiety shoots through the roof as it’s not like you can go back to job and fix it years later. This is the issue with my OCD it latches onto things like this as I worry that my work could harm someone, this was mainly when I was in my apprenticeship or just out my time. The company I worked for was all go go go get the work done as quick as possible. I don’t like to work like that anymore I like to take my time and do a job properly now even if it takes longer. Totally easy in hindsight.

Hang in there my brother, we all have some sort of anxiety but that also says that you are a perfectionist and care about your work. I have to take one of my Xanax in the mornings just to leave the house. Good luck my friend

 

[littlespark]

Ref. My post #42 The funeral today of “Mick”

A lot of people in the cemetery between work colleagues, running and cycling clubs, neighbours….

The eulogy spoke of his “demons” which only confirmed what we all suspect the cause of death was… only the family will know for sure.

The service was simple… starting and ending with recordings of his favourite bands…. Pink Floyd, The Beatles and The Who….

Something peaceful about a sunny blue sky and the opening bars of Baba O’Riley…..

 

[OnlQQker]

Wow that was! a hard read, hope you are better now and in a good place, depression leading to suicide is not something I understand the turmoil that leads to it must be so overwhelming to think that the only way out is to switch off, I feel for those that are left behind, what must they think, how did I not notice? how could I have helped?

Sorry Mike, only just noticed your post and it's a good point.

A tell tale sign that nobody really noticed was starting to give things away, stuff that had once meant something to me, like a really really old clock my Grandad had given me, or something as silly as a Gyro Spinner that I was always walking around with spinning way before all of this.
On top of this my mood changed dramatically.
I appeared more positive around family/friends within the last 6 months of my attempt date.

Things that used to bother me no longer was important, so where I might of shown an interest in say playing the piano/keyboards I no longer touched it. Yes people would ask why I wasn't any longer playing it and I would say that I was just to busy working.
It did amaze me that people believed this, because I was sat in a small dark room after work doing nothing.. Sit on a laptop and put music on that could be heard, but have 10 other windows opening studying the exact science which was to make my attempt 100% successful, so anybody thinking that I was listening to upbeat music from outside the room would automatically think I was totally ok, suicide is extremely devious ground, you do kind of know it is going to destroy people that you leave behind, but stronger than all of this is the thought you are no longer going to be here so it's not your problem.

This is the selfish ground you only see after your whole plan has failed! I guess it is pretty impossible to see before hand because the feeling of you having a complete solution to all of your problems, is just not going to fail anyway!

It's hard for a lot of people to notice things, other people have so much going on in there own lives they hardly really notice, one person every other morning would tell me that Eastender's was on tonight, I hate that tv program but this is what a lot of people do, they plan there day around stuff that has never made any sense to me.

I was working in the day time for no money, I didn't need money, all I had ever done with money in the years before all of this was give it to whoever I was in a relationship with at the time. Money has never had any value to me, it's because I really don't know what an hour of my life would be worth in a financial way.
That might not make much sense, but if I'm here in a life which totals up to lets say 50'000 hours, then I couldn't work out what one of these hours was actually worth.

So to answer how I am today..

I still work for nothing, any money is saved in the kids accounts. They know what happened, they know everything. They knew my plan.
And I would be a liar if I was to say this has not disturbed them in some way, especially my daughter who spent countless hours/days/weeks/months on the phone to every available source there is out there regarding 'suicide'

Yet I had already been down all of those roads myself, for years I had talked to everybody, and I mean everybody, I had took every drug I had been prescribed and self medicated with alcohol as well.
But the thing is it can only change within yourself, it's a bit like trying to talk someone through a seriously difficult electrical problem over the phone and the person your talking too has no understanding of electrics whatsoever.

Some of the things that changed in myself was starting to study Biology on line, and finding the video of 'the zinc spark' on youtube was also a massive game changer, for me it become evidence of first consciousness in life.
Then seeing the same similarities with electrical energy that never ends.

And I started to believe that this cycle never breaks and it's like an infinite loop, and unless I changed my whole thinking patterns then I would be doing this all over again. And because I have always suffered my whole life with Déjà vu, then it suddenly all started to make sense.

This coupled with Rodney out of Only Fools and horse's where he say's if there is such a thing as reincarnation, then I'd probably come back as me, If There Is Such A Thing As Reincarnation Only Fools and Horses Quote - https://onlyfoolsandhorsesquotes.com/if-there-is-such-a-thing-as-reincarnation put the icing on the cake.

I've not read back or edited any of what I have wrote above, there are billions of configurations that lead people to start falling down the pit. I try and help people over on the suicide forum a couple of times a week. Yet if you can intervene before they hit the bottom you stand a good chance of pulling them back out!
But you have to jump back down there first, and that's not easy for anybody that has never been there themselves.

You're kind of looking for what triggered it, in my case it was serious beatings from my father when I was very young up until 12 years old.
Because I would question things, like religion for example, I wanted proof. My old man didn't like questions, everything was as he said it was, end of.
Everything slowly built up from that point internally.



Find the trigger and you stand a chance of pulling them back out.





Ps, I'm in a better place now, thanks for asking!


Pss, this is not easy stuff to talk about so apologies if the above doesn't make sense in places.


Edit, I've never shared this video below online before because it shows my real name.
I originally put it together for myself in those 6 months alone before hand. I only uploaded it this year but it does show exactly where my mind was.
It's unlisted, the 21 views are from myself!
I edited Carl Segan over Hanz Zimmer and tied bits of video together to tell a story that only made sense to myself.

 

[OnlQQker]

I wont keep crashing or bumping this thread, just wanted to add a bit more about 'triggers' in case they are useful to anybody. These I found is the biggest battle anybody could ever have with themselves. And I realise my posts could seem 'very off topic' but I do believe they contain some advice that might help anybody that has fallen/falling into the pit.


Finding my trigger was the hardest thing I have ever searched for in my entire life.


But it took this 'attempt' of mine to even begin looking.

For the first year I was convinced it was down to a relationship break up around a year before I started going drastically downhill.
There was a significant change in my mood.

Then after a few months, I thought 'no' that's not it.

I went back to the point where my mum died in one hospital and my daughter being born in another. When my daughter was born my mum died 2 weeks afterwards. She got to hold my daughter anyway.

So I was up one hospital going through a funeral plan with my mum, then up to the next hospital going through a plan with my wife for our overdue baby girl.
I left that marriage when my daughter was 5 years old. All of this HAD to be the trigger, and for 3 years I believed this 100% to be the point where I fell headfirst into the pit.

But then from nowhere, and just a normal day I suddenly felt scared. All I had done was disagree with somebody on something that I can't even remember what it was.

This set my mind back further and I finally found my trigger.
These beatings from my dad 9 times out of 10 sent me into unconsciousness, as many years went by and aged about 10 years old I actually started looking forward to them. I guess the part of the brain where 'you just do as your told' was missing. I'd just keep questioning things, but quieter. Not that this made any difference.
The beatings knocked me into black, quiet space, temporarily in the moment, for what seemed like days at a time. It was probably only ever out for 10 mins max.

And by 12 years old the damage had been set. Not that I was suicidal, I just lost the plot and embarrassed by Dad in any way that I found possible.
And I believe that approach might have been wrong now.

I've found, whatever you do there is ABSOLUTELY no way you can go back and change any of it.
It is as it is... Past has gone, you can't fix it, future isn't here yet, you can't control it.

And those 2 really do sum up depression and anxiety. And that's the only 2 ingredients needed for every mental health condition out there that they have given names too.
I had the pleasure of meeting all of these conditions in hospital when I was put in there with serious depression. I just didn't want to eat or talk, not to the staff anyway. But I spoke to the patients.
I spoke to all of them and played the piano which was a beat up old thing in the corner, according to the nurse nobody ever played it, it just got sat on, jumped on or carved initials all over it.

Yet these patients were as normal as everybody else to me, though one was convinced he was William Shakespeare and re-enact a scene from a play in the courtyard.
I would just sit on the bench and watch him totally awestruck, his acting skills were amazing, when I asked other patients what they thought of his acting skills they would reply, 'I don't mix with him, he's totally mental'
Yet this all kind of happened when he became 'highly anxious' and I can see how a place like that hospital could make you feel highly anxious, friends and family coming to visit the patients. well I could see how the patients ended up where they were!

Then there was this young girl, barely 18, she had to be drugged against her will daily.
She wouldn't go inside, she was adamant that electricity was going to escape from the wires and consume her, this had all happened after her brother had electrocuted himself. Though he survived, this was her trigger.

Luckily I have quite a basic understanding of electrics. So like a tour guide I would take her around every light socket/power socket, fcu, cu etc etc etc and explain it all to her.
I think the discussion about the RCD finally swayed it, she asked me to the pictures that night, sadly I couldn't find a staff member which would lend us a spare key so we could get back in.




Finding the trigger is the only rope leading anybody out of that dark pit.
How you deal with that trigger when you've found it is down to the person.

For me I will be making plans to get an appointment in my dads church office, and telling him everything and more that I have written on here.
And if he does start preaching God at me and sins etc, etc, well I'm up to a point in my life where I actually think if God ever did visit Earth, well me and him would be mates so what's his problem!

 

[OnlQQker]

Growing up I never went to school, my first lesson in life was from the Groundworkers. I would be dressed in old jeans, jumper and plimsoles digging trenches in the freezing cold and raining like crazy, they would just say, 'don't worry you wont go rusty' and they were right!

The second lesson was from the Bricklayers and the Plasterers, they would say, 'let your eyes be your guide and your pocket your pride' and they were also right, though I failed big time on the pocket thing!

And the third lesson was from the Electricians, this is going back years now and they were called 'Smith & Worman'

What they told me was you must never underestimate electrical power, it is a living force of itself, it can be harnessed and tamed to soften the lights romantically, and play the record player with Barry Manilows version of magic in the background, whilst you get it on with your bit of stuff.
But it also has the potential to leave you in a pile of ashes in an instant if you don't pay it any respect!


The plumbers never said anything though, I reckon they was on the same level as the Groundworkers with the 'you wont go rusty' kind of attitude.


If anybody is reading this that has tried all medication, counselling, alcohol, drugs, etc etc etc, and feels there really is no way out but to end everything, I would just try one last thing first.



Find a place like the 'link in this post' online, that is quite close to where you live.
Go by yourself or take the whole family along, but don't take dogs because there are a lot of cats about.
Nobody says you can't take dogs though, it's just if your Grandma has hold of the dog she might find herself bouncing through the various undergrowth surrounding these places, when the dog chases the cat.

Before I say what these places are, I just happened to walk in one years ago because I am nosey.
The first thing I noticed was the energy levels underneath my feat. The second thing I noticed was nobody ever approached me as I walked though the temple looking at all of the very expensive gold things everywhere.

And the third thing I noticed was the kitchen where I could just help myself to things without asking or still talking to anybody.
Then I left.

And still wander in and out every now and then. But now days I do always take a couple of bags of pulses, a tub of marmite and some cat biscuits as an offering .
You can talk to people if you like, but that's entirely up to yourself. It's the one thing in life you should actually make the effort to go and see.


link in this post


Ps, no need to take your wallet or phone with you