A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[steve50]

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade.

So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded :

" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there ? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there ?"

"We're taking British Airways," was the reply. "We got a great rate !"

"BA ?" exclaimed the hairdresser." That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of BA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a £5 million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge !"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand ! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really ! What'd he say ?"

He said : "Who the F**k did your hair ?"

 

[jaypp]

how do you 'pull' a horizontally challenged (pc term for overweight i believe) member of the opposite (or same if so inclined) sex?

'piece of cake'!

 

[pepparz]

This one probably belongs in this section:

Buckaroo, anyone played this version?

Well what u do is this. When u mount the wife tonight enter through the tradesmans entrance and when you've got a decent rhythm going call her by someone else's name, then see how long u can stay on. And thats how u play buckaroo.
u can also to time trials and compare times with ur mates.

 

[TPES]

http://youtu.be/mViO9mnCTBo

Electrician vs Plumber

 

[tazz]

Something to remember her/him/it by..

..

 

[zap]

​

 

[MDJ]

A policeman in Sydney , Australia pulled over a driver who had been weaving in and out of the traffic.

He approached the car window and said "Sir I need you to blow into this breathalyser".

The man reaches into his pocket and produces a doctor's note.

On it was written: "This man suffers from chronic asthma. Do not make him perform any action that may leave him short of breath".

The policeman said "Okay then I need you to come and give a blood sample"

The man produced another letter.

This one said: "This man is a haemophiliac. Please do not cause him to bleed in any way".

So the officer said: "Right, I need a urine sample then".

The man produces a third letter from his pocket.

It read: "This man plays Cricket for England , please don't take the **** out of him"

 

[steve50]

At any given moment:

FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old person is reading this post.

You hang in there, sunshine!

 

[Earthstore]

So who out there knows that Jesus used to ride a motorbike?
It is true, it is even written in the bible....
"You could hear the roar of his Triumph all over Jerusalem"...)

 

[tazz]

Mosess had one before jesus......he came down the hill in triumph

 

[telectrix]

well, he would. he'd just had the pleasure of an ice cream from the first ever ice cream factory...... WALLS of JERICHO.

 

[specs]

:\Users\bob\Pictures\ATT1.jpg

 

[specs]

I was in a pub in far Western Queensland last Saturday night, when this really brutally ugly girl came up to me, squeezed my arse and said, "Give me your number, sexy."

I replied "Have you got a pen?"

She smiled and said "Yes."

I replied, "Well you better get back to it, before the farmer notices you're missing."

- - - Updated - - -

Wasn't planning on going for a run today




but the police just came out of nowhere

- - - Updated - - -

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.
Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?

 

[specs]

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'

 

[specs]

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits.
It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked.
'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied.
'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.