A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[specs]

3 women die and go to heaven. Like everyone else, they meet St. Peter at the gates.

St. Peter tells them, "The only rule we have is: 'Don't step on the ducks.'"

The 3 women think this odd, but as soon as their let through the gates, there are ducks EVERYWHERE! Not even 5 minutes go by and the first lady steps on a duck.

Up walks St. Peter with the ugliest guy you'd ever seen and chains them both together and tells her, "This is your punishment for stepping on a duck, you will be chained to this man for eternity."

The second woman goes a week before she steps on a duck and lo and behold, up walks St. Peter with another ugly man and chains them together saying, "This is your punishment for stepping on a duck, you will be chained to this man for eternity."

The third woman goes a year without stepping on a duck and up walks St. Peter with the most handsome of men and chains them together and walks off to which the woman says, "I don't know what I did to deserve this!"

The man replies, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

 

[telectrix]

**** a duck!

 

[specs]

A Husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:

'To My Dear Wife. You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you & I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight.'

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

'My Dear Husband. I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Marriot Hotel with Michael, one of my students. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that although it may appear that we are in the same situation, there is one mathematical difference:

18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow

 

[specs]

View attachment 20794

so what's the problem?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A bloke is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells, "Don't enter that church, you daft idiot !!!"

His wife asks him, "What are you watching?"

Husband replies, "Our bloody wedding video

 

[specs]

cancelled

 

[Geordie Spark]

My missus asked me to help her stop sucking her thumb, so I drew a willy on it

Specs ......

It's late and you're too tired to be making jokes.

Go to bed.

 

[Spoon]

I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.

 

[Spoon]

Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary)

 

[specs]

A six-year-old goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her Grandpa. When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandpa's room. "Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "When Mummy comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said her Grandpa.

"Make a noise like a frog."

"Why?"

"Cus Mummy said as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney World!

 

[specs]

**** a duck!

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks..
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"
"At the circus," says the barman.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the barman.
"The circus?" the duck asks again. "That place with the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ..
"What the **** would they want with a plasterer?