A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[jeremy]

Luckily, Brian wasn't the Messiah, just a very naughty boy.

 

[telectrix]

To be fair there was an outcry about The Life Of Brian. Several Christian organisations called for blasphemy charges to be brought and there were death threats.

yeah, but that was a few narrow minded bigots that could not see past the end of their noses. a bit like seeing blazing saddles as racist when clearly the message was anti-racist.

 

[telectrix]

went into a muslim bookshop today.

i asked the bearded one if he had any books about the BNP'

he said " Get out and stay out"

"That one will do" i said.

 

[Barry White]

another Blasphemer here

 

[Pete999]

another Blasphemer here

Well that'll get em going

 

[norcal]

another Blasphemer here

Maybe so, but they won't kill you...

 

[specs]

Maybe so, but they won't kill you...

No but getting that stuff off your skin (specially the hairy bits ) will.

 

[specs]

A Truck Driver picks up a Hitchhiker who climbs up in the cab and notices a Monkey on the Dashboard. After a few miles he asks the driver what the monkey is for.

The driver says "I'll show you" and with that he hits the Monkey with the back of his hand, sending the poor creature rolling across the dash.

The Monkey goes down between the drivers legs, unzips his pants, pulls out his Dlck and proceeds to give the Trucker Head. When finished ,the Monkey pulls out a tissue, cleans the driver up, puts everything back and jumps back up on the dashboard.

"See that" said the trucker.

The man said "Yeah".

The trucker ask the man "You want to try it?"

The man said "OK, but Please don't hit me as hard as you hit that Monkey!"

 

[telectrix]

Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

 

[telectrix]

A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table. He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!" She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?" The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

 

[telectrix]

A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?" She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."

 

[telectrix]

Q: Why couldn't the blonde add 10 + 5 on a calculator?
A: She couldn't find the "10" button.

 

[Guest125]

A sausage and an egg are in a frying pan. The sausage turns to the egg and says "Bloody hot in here eh?".

The egg says "F*** me! A talking sausage."

 

[Guest125]

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade

 

[Guest125]

My wife sent her photograph to the Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren't that lonely

 

[telectrix]

China, Russia, and Poland venture to space. China says they'll go to Pluto because it's the farthest. Russia says they'll go to Jupiter because it's the biggest. Poland says they'll go to the Sun. Russia and China warn that they'll melt. They reply, "We'll go at night."

 

[telectrix]

I was at my bank today waiting in a short line.
There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated.
She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said,
"Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"

 

[telectrix]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces,
"If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks,
"Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

 

[specs]

SELF EXAMINATION FOR ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE



....It takes less than 15 seconds....



If you are over 40 yrs. old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer's Test. See how fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?



1. _ _NDOM



2. F_ _K



3. P_N_S



4. PU_S_



5. S_X



6. BOO_S



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


















Answers:



1. RANDOM



2. FORK



3. PANTS



4. PULSE



5. SIX



6. BOOKS



You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?



You do NOT have Alzheimer's.



You are a Pervert

 

[Silly Sausage]

You can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it into a jug of water.
If it sinks: girl ant
If it floats: boy ant