A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[R G]

As a keen fresh water angler I have to tell you Pike and Carp don't live in the sea, honest only funning you lol

aha , now I know why they were doing 90 MPH , to get back to the fresh water ,,, LOL,,

 

[Pete999]

Oh stop carpin on about it lol

 

[ian.settle1]

If there are anymore jokes like them above I am going to plead with mods to close the tread down

Cod only know how worse they can get

 

[shanky887614]

If there are anymore jokes like them above I am going to plead with mods to close the tread down

Cod only know how worse they can get

Stop flapping and start yacking, these jokes are not going to write themselfs.

Cod you plaice get back on track your like a fish out of water

 

[ifindoubtdont]

There was a young man from Gwent, who's tool was exceeding bent, to save him the trouble he put it in double, instead of coming he went.

 

[Spoon]

Just a couple of things I spotted on FB and would like to share. The first is just great:

"Here's all you need to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid."


Has anyone seen the post of a bloke who humped a Greggs pasty and got his bits burnt?

 

[Pete999]

There was a young lady from hitchin,
she was scratching her thing in the kitching
her mother said Rose crabs I suppose
Ah b$$$$$cks get on with your knitting

 

[R G]

This one should get you all laughing Niceic have joined up with Rated people ,so should be re named Village people

 

[telectrix]

ain't it amazing what a suitcase full of readies can achieve.

 

[telectrix]

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer
to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men..
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and
still think they are sexy.

 

[specs]

yep, its so bad, I'm beginning to feel you miss me mate.

 

[specs]

love it mate. really

 

[specs]

its one of those ones that's so bad its good!

oh dear, you must really miss me mate

 

[specs]

Saddam Hussien caught 3 Soldiers in the dessert, A Guardsmen a Paratrooper & a Royal Engineer. He lined the 4 soldiers up in front of a mine field & said "whoever can get through the minefield will be set free"

The Guardsmen immediately asked for a bayonet & started to dig & crawl.....20 metres later BOOM the Guardsmen was blown up.
The Paratrooper asked for a long stick & was given a broom handle so he started to probe & move through the mine field.....50 metres later & BOOM the Paratrooper was blown up.
The Royal Engineer asked for 1 Mattress, 1 Pig & 2 rolls of Gaffa Tape.

The Engineer slashed open the mattress took out the springs & gaffa taped them to the legs of the Pig, jumped on the back of the Pig & bounced his away across the entire mine field & escaped.

Saddam & his troops chased the Engineer & caught up to him, the Engineer screamed "you said if I made it I could go free" Saddam said "you are free, I just need to know how you did it" the Engineer looked at Saddam & said "I call it four sprung pork technique"

 

[Richard Burns]

We were missing you, but we are not after that one!:59: