A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[specs]

Actual Bank Robbery In Detroit Absolutely Priceless !!!! (Chevy Commercial) - YouTube

 

[dan86]

A fat bird came smiling up to me in a nightclub, put her hand on my groin and said, "Have a guess what I want in my mouth tonight?"

"I...I...I don't know?" I stuttered.

"I'll give you a clue," she laughed, "It has four letters and begins with 'C'"

"Oh, that's easy," I said, looking her up and down, "Cake."

 

[camerabloke]

 

[dan86]

a like and a thanks for that. made me chuckle

 

[camerabloke]

 

[shanky887614]

none, ill get the gardener

 

[tomfj]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really ****ed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scales.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

 

[Kamikaze]

In the glory days of the British Empire, a new CO was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel. After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said,"You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man. He's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned. The new CO was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man and only about four feet tall, with a weepy eye and drool coming from the corner of his mouth.
"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst , joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and boxed in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of..."

The colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind all that Smithers, the CO can find all that in your file.
Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to f### off."

 

[steve50]

Oo and oO..

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope. The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in Court Monday Morning." On Monday, The Judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend." ? "Well, Your Honour, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "Seventeen people,? That's wonderful. How did you do it." ? "I used a diagram, Your Honour. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do." ? "Well, Your Honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "Wow," ! says the judge. "156 people, ! How did you manage to do that." ? "Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says.

"I drew two circles like This, o 0 Then I pointed to the Small Circle and said, ''This is your ------- before going to Prison."

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[camerabloke]

 

[camerabloke]

 

[Pete999]

That's rude you ought to be ashamed of yourself putting something like this on the forum:behead::jester::rockon::rockon:

 

[dan86]

Chelsea agree £32 million Costa deal.

For that they got a skinny Latte and a packet of two shortbread fingers.

 

[dan86]

People are saying that Jeremy Clarkson is 'untouchable' at the BBC.

Of course he is.

He's the wrong sex and about 40 years too old.

 

[dan86]

I see Sony has invented a new cassette tape that can hold 47 million songs.

The first demonstration is scheduled for 2019, when it finishes rewinding.