A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[shanky887614]

you cant say im not thick skinned enough and to grow a pair.

look at this beauty ive just pulled off me foot

 

[dan86]

that's bloody gross!

 

[shanky887614]

that's bloody gross!

lol its the pic that makes it yellow, thats a blister that didnt pop

 

[specs]

:sailor:

lol its the pic that makes it yellow, thats a blister that didnt pop

This thread is getting worse, maybe its time for my return. I will ponder on it.

 

[Kamikaze]

Specs we need you mate. Hit us with some beauties!

 

[specs]

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"

 

[specs]

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough (they could not afford a larger double wide).

So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his cousin...er wife, didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.

The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is gonna help me."

So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion.

The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.

He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . " at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand....

(Also works in Mississippi, Arkansas, Tennessee and parts of Kentucky).

 

[specs]

The Englishman's, Irishman's and Scotsman's wives go shopping one day to a big department store. While they are there a fire breaks out. Everyone in the store is killed, including the three women. Their husbands are summoned to the local police station where a policewoman breaks the news to them: "I'm afraid sirs, that we believe your wives were killed in the fire at the department store. However the fire was so intense we cannot identify the bodies. Only their handbags survived the blaze. Can you identify your wives' handbags from these three found in the store?"
The three men all look at the handbags and each one is able to identify one of the handbags as belonging to his wife. With all handbags accounted for the policewoman leaves the men to deal with their grief in peace. The three men sit in silence for a while, then the Englishman opens his wife's handbag and rummages through the contents, finally pulling out a half-empty packet of cigarettes and says "All these years married and I never knew the old girl smoked."
The Scotsman looks into his wife's handbag and pulls out a half-empty bottle of scotch. "Jings, I knew her all that time an ah didnae ken ma missus drank."
The Irishman empties his wife's handbag onto the floor, looks through the contents and picks up a half empty packet of condoms. "'Saints preserve us! All dese years an oi never knew me wife was a man."

 

[specs]

IN MY OPINION A SPACE IS SO IMPORTANT TO ONE'S WELFARE AND LOTS OF OTHER THINGS


The Importance of a space!





A secretary got an expensive pen as a gift from her boss.
She sent him a 'Thank you note' by email.
The bosses wife read the email and filed for divorce.

The email says:

"Your penis wonderful. I enjoyed using it last night. It has extra ordinary smooth flow, and a firm stroke. Initially its tip had to be licked to bring it to working order. I loved its perfect size and grip. Felt like I was in heaven when using it. I've always desired it and you fulfilled my wish. Thanks a lot"

Moral: A "space" is an essential part in English

 

[specs]

Subject:

Fw: Fwd: Women can now feel safe

























































What a brilliant idea this is. At least women can feel safe now.







With the high rate of attacks on women in secluded car parks, especially during evening hours,













Cardiff City Council has established a "Women Only" car park at the new



St David’s Shopping Centre.













Even the attendants are exclusively female so that a comfortable and safe environment is created for patrons.















Below is the first picture available of this world-first women-only car park in Wales ..























Description: cid:B29167B7911B4511AC9960EA9DDC606C@AcerPC

 

[specs]

HUSBAND'S MESSAGE (via cellphone text/SMS):

Honey, a car hit me whilst crossing the road outside the office.
Paula brought me to the hospital.
The Doctors have been taking tests and X-rays.
The blow to my head has been very strong but, fortunately, it seems that
it did not cause any permanent brain damage.
But I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg and
they may have to amputate my right foot.

WIFE'S RESPONSE:
Who the fvk is Paula?

 

[specs]

A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to
meet the chief.

The chief says to the cowboy, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so
give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die.

What is first wish?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse."

The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers
something, then slaps the horse on the back. The horse takes off.

Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off
the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy.

The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only
think of one thing."

The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."

The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and
whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the back.

Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off
and goes in the teepee with the cowboy.

The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to
die tomorrow and can only think of one thing."

The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man.
What you want?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."

The indians bring him his horse.

The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells,
"Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"

 

[specs]

The novel "Fifty Shades Of Grey" has seduced women - and baffled blokes. Now a spoof, Fifty Sheds Of Grey, offers a treat for the men. The book has author Colin Grey recounting his love encounters at the bottom of the garden. Here are some extracts...

Fifty Sheds Of Grey

We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a wall...but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.

She stood before me, trembling in my shed. "I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want with me."
So I took her to McDonalds.

She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came.
I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.

Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.
She still manages to get into the shed, though.

"Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly.
"Mmmm, kinky!" she purred.
"Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof."

"I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be punished."
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.

"Harder!" she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. "Harder!"
"Okay," I said. "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?"

I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.

"Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
"I think so," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the receipt.

"Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
"Very well," I replied. "You've got fat ankles and no dress sense."

"Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you won't be able to sit down for weeks."
She nodded.
"Okay," I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.

"Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!"
"Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.

"Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously," she said, gently
massaging my back as we listened to her Coldplay CD

 

[specs]

Imagine you have Alzheimer and suffer from diarrhea ... you're running but just can't remember where to.

 

[Paul.M]

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"

I play golf and my wife has access to this thread......
Dont give her any ideas please.... Already in the dog house today for scratching her car...... Only thing I'm going to get tonight is the "cold shoulder".