A new jokes thread for your amusement.

Kamikaze · Aug 16, 2014

If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I'll let you have the pen.

specs · Aug 17, 2014

<div class="bbWrapper">Two men are fishing in a boat under a bridge and see a funeral procession starting across the bridge. One of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge, and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel and continues fishing. His friend says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you." He responds, "Well, I guess it was the right thing to do -- after all, I was married to her for 40 years."</div>

specs · Aug 17, 2014

<div class="bbWrapper">Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool , Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.' Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.. How soon can I go home?</div>

specs · Aug 17, 2014

<div class="bbWrapper">A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himselfat the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake. "I'm much too young to die! I'm only 35!" St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly gates, and agreed to check on his case. When St. Peter returned, he told the attorney, "I'm afraid that the mistake must be yours, my son. We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you've billed to your clients, and you're at least 108."</div>

specs · Aug 17, 2014

<div class="bbWrapper">The novel “Fifty Shades of Grey” has seduced women – and baffled blokes. Now, Fifty Sheds of Grey, offers a treat for the men. The book's author Colin Grey recounts his love encounters at the bottom of the garden. Here are some extracts... Fifty "Sheds" Of Grey We tried various positions – round the back, on the side, up against a wall. But in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ She stood before me, trembling in my shed. “I'm yours for the night,” she gasped, “You can do whatever you want with me.” So I took her to Bunning’s. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles. She still manages to get into the shed, though. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- “Put on this rubber suit and mask,” I instructed, calmly. “Mmmm, kinky!” she purred. “Yes,” I said, “You can’t be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof.” ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- “I'm a very naughty girl,” she said, biting her lip. “I need to be punished.” So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- “Harder!” she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. “Harder!” “Okay,” I said. “What’s the gross national product of Nicaragua?” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window. Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- “Are you sure you can take the pain?” she demanded, brandishing stilettos. “I think so,” I gulped. “Here we go, then,” she said, and showed me the receipt. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- “Hurt me!” she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench. “Very well,” I replied. “You’ve got fat ankles and no dress sense.” --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- “Are you sure you want this?” I asked. “When I'm done, you won’t be able to sit down for weeks.” She nodded. “Okay,” I said, putting the three-piece lounge suite on eBay. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- “Punish me!” she cried. “Make me suffer like only a real man can!” “Very well,” I replied, leaving the toilet seat up</div>

specs · Aug 19, 2014

<div class="bbWrapper">A group of chaps, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts. Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the food and service was good and the beer was excellent. Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they could dine in peace and quiet and it was good value for money. Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled. Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before</div>

specs · Aug 19, 2014

<div class="bbWrapper">Replays of the England game has been moved to the Gay Adult TV channel next week as the screening of eleven R-seholes being hammered for 90 minutes is considered too explicit for ITV At the airport on the way to Rio, Rooney said to Hodgson, "I don't know if I'm best on the left or the right or in the middle". Hodgson replied, "for fvks sake Wayne. Just pick a seat and get on the fvking plane"..... To regain confidence in the England Squad,Roy Hodgson has arranged a friendly against Iceland. Should England win, he will be arranging further friendlies in the future against Asda, Morrisons and Sainsbury's</div>

specs · Aug 19, 2014

<div class="bbWrapper">You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. --Henny Youngman The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it. --Ann Bancroft Any husband who says, "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge. --Bill Cosby Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards --Benjamin Franklin My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. --Henny Youngman My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. --Rodney Dangerfield A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. --Milton Berle I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. --George Burns What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds. --Cindy Garner When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking. --Elaine Boosler I bought my wife a new car. She called and said,"There was water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake." --Henny Youngman My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping. --Rita Rudner The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. --Henny Youngman People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman. --Erma Bombeck</div>

tidyboiler · Aug 19, 2014

<div class="bbWrapper">@Specs................. very good, enjoyed them. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite31" alt=":grin:" title="Grin :grin:" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":grin:" /></div>

specs · Aug 20, 2014

<div class="bbWrapper">A drill sergeant was known to be brusque with his men. His lieutenant warned him to try to be more sympathetic: "I don't want to interfere with your discipline but when there is bad news to relate, please be more diplomatic." "Yes, *sir!*" "Now, I have received bad news for one of your men: George Martin. It seems his father has been in a bad traffic accident. Please break the news carefully." "Yes, *sir!*" At roll call, the sergeant says: "Fall in everyone. Martin, if you call home today and don't get an answer, it's your dad." After Martin finds out the truth, he goes crying away to his bunk. The next day, the lieutenant reprimands the drill sergeant once more: "Look, Sarge, this can't continue. If you can't think of a kinder way ....to deal with this kind of news, we'll eliminate this practice from roll call. Now I'm giving you one last chance. Gomez's mother died last ....night You know what to do." "No problem, lieutenant!" Roll call: "All right, all you maggots, fall in! All those with living mothers step forward!" And in a quieter tone: "*Not* so fast, Gomez."</div>

specs · Aug 20, 2014

<div class="bbWrapper">The lawyer says: “I have some good news and bad news” The CEO replies: “I have had an awful day, let's hear the good news first.” The lawyer says: “Your wife invested $20,000 in five pictures that are worth a minimum of $2 million” The CEO replies enthusiastically: “Well done, very good news indeed ! You’ve made my day; now what is the bad news?” The lawyer answers: “These pictures are of you in bed with your secretary”</div>

Silly Sausage · Aug 21, 2014

<div class="bbWrapper">What's the difference between a Lentil and a Chic Pea? I wouldn't pay a £100 to have a lentil sit on my face.</div>

Silly Sausage · Aug 22, 2014

<div class="bbWrapper"><a href="http://youtu.be/5p0jE-1lcQg" target="_blank" class="link link--external" data-proxy-href="/proxy.php?link=http%3A%2F%2Fyoutu.be%2F5p0jE-1lcQg&hash=c1b0c293bf9ef2ac6268e25c9b85aed2" rel="nofollow ugc noopener">Bernard Manning - The Comedians Series 1 - YouTube</a> (PC bridgade, don't worry!)</div>

steve50 · Aug 22, 2014

<div class="bbWrapper"> decided to go golfing in Scotland with his friend Keith.So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. 'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed, 'she explained and 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.' 'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of golf.. But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from a local solicitor. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend. he dropped in on his friend Keith and asked: 'Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?' 'Yes, I do.' Said Keith. 'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?' 'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.' 'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?' Keith's face turned beetroot red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, John. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?' 'She just died and left me everything.' (And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?...</div>

specs · Aug 23, 2014

<div class="bbWrapper">A man is driving down a deserted country road when he has a blowout. Not having a spare he finally finds a house and asks the lady if he can use her phone to call for a tow-truck. As she opens the door for him to come in, a Three Legged Pig runs out. He asks "why does that Pig only have three legs?" She says that they had a fire and the pig woke everybody up and then went back and brought the dog out. He said "but why does the Pig only have three legs?" She said well another time my son was playing on the ice and it broke and he fell in and the Pig ran to the barn and got a rope and saved him. Again he asked "why does the Pig only have three legs?" After all the Pig did for us, it didn't seem right to eat him all at once</div>