A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[Silly Sausage]

The bloke who invented auto-correct died today.
I didn't even know he was I'll.

 

[specs]

A man dies and goes to Hell. The devil greets him and says, "You may choose which room you wish to enter. Whichever you choose, the person in that room will switch with you. They'll go to Heaven and you'll take over until somebody switches with you. So go on, pick a room."

The devil leads him to the first room where someone is tied to a wall and is being whipped. The second room has someone being burned by a torch. The third has a man getting blown by a naked woman.

"I choose this room!" the man says.

"Very well," the devil says. He walks up to the woman and taps her on the shoulder.

"You can go now. I've found your replacement."

 

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[telectrix]

there was a gorgeous blonde at the bar when i walked into the pub.

she rolled her eyes at me..... i rolled them straight back.

i asked " have yo ever kissed a parrot?"
"NO", she replied, " but i've kissed a cockatoo"

 

[steve50]

Proof That The World Is Nuts!

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Glad I don't live in Indonesia!)

(Much worse than 'going blind!')

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time.

Reason: Under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute: Is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.

The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Condoms may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'

(Is USA a great country or what?)

Well,.... Not as great as Guam!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for these tests?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The Ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of ???)

(Did our Government pay for this research??)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An Ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)

*~*~ *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their ---.

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

Thank you all for reading this.

If you need to reach me in the future, I will be
In Guam !!!!!!

 

[steve50]

A husband and his wife went to the Doctor. The Doctor took the husband in first.
The husband was a bit embarrassed and told the Doctor he had trouble getting an erection with his wife and she was getting frustrated.

He checked his blood pressure and other things, and finally told him he would see his wife now.

He took her to another cubicle and told her to completely disrobe. Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly.

She did as instructed.

He then told her to turn all the way around in the other direction.

Then he said - OK you can get dressed now, I will talk to your husband.

Then the Doctor went into the other office and told the husband - You can relax. There is nothing wrong with you.

I couldn't get an erection either!!

 

[specs]

Subject: They Don't Teach in Physics

































1. LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. LAW OF GRAVITY - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

3. LAW OF PROBABILITY - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. LAW OF RANDOM NUMBERS - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

5. VARIATION LAW - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

6. LAW OF THE BATH - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

7. LAW OF CLOSE ENCOUNTERS - The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

8. LAW OF THE RESULT - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!

9. LAW OF BIOMECHANICS - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

10. LAW OF THE THEATER & HOCKEY ARENA - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

11. THE COFFEE LAW - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

12. MURPHY'S LAW OF LOCKERS - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

13. LAW OF PHYSICAL SURFACES - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

14. LAW OF LOGICAL ARGUMENT - Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.

15. LAW OF PHYSICAL APPEARANCE - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

16. LAW OF PUBLIC SPEAKING -- A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!

17. LAW OF COMMERCIAL MARKETING STRATEGY - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!

18. DOCTORS' LAW - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.





19. THE LAW OF INVERSE LOGIC - The strength of a piece of paper is inversely proportional to the number of perforations that you are trying to tear along.

 

[specs]

A Scarecrow was awarded the Lifetime Achievement Award. He was outstanding in his field

 

[specs]

A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money." The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said, "You cannot do this, I'm an MP!" The thief replied, "In that case, give me MY money!"

 

[specs]

The person who coined the phrase 'as different as chalk and cheese'
obviously hadn't tasted Kwik Save's cheddar.