A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[specs]

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=750_1361955514 Its a beer ad:yes:

 

[specs]

I was about to ask that!!

I can only assume that they did

 

[specs]

http://www.boreme.com/posting.php?id=31049#3iEocMDkctpgjii2.03

this has sound as well, when it comes up on the screen skip the advert

 

[specs]

A man walks into a crowded local bar in Darwin brandishing a revolver yelling,

"Who's the barstard that's been sleeping with my wife?"


A voice from the back of the bar shouts back: "You don't have enough ammo, mate!!"

 

[specs]

A CORK radio station was running a competition - words that weren't in the dictionary yet could still be used in sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.

DJ: "96FM here, what's your name?"

Caller: "Hi, me name's Dave."

DJ: "Dave, what's your word?"

Caller: "Goan... spelt, G-O-A-N, pronounced 'go-an'."

DJ: "... You are correct, Dave, 'goan' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"

Caller: "Goan f**k yourself!"

The DJ cut the caller short and took other calls, all unsuccessful until:

DJ: "96FM, what's your name?"

Caller: "Hi, me name's Jeff."

DJ: "Jeff, what's your word?"

Caller: "Smee... spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced 'smee'."

DJ: "... You are correct, Jeff, 'smee' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"

Caller: "Smee again! Goan f**k yourself!"

 

[specs]

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven where they are met by St. Peter at the pearly gates.
St. Peter says "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want".
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren" and POOF she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna" and POOF she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini".
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, that name just doesn't ring a bell." The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. "No Sister, he laughs, this says 'Sahara Pipeline, laid by 500 men in 7 days'!"

 

[specs]

There was once a man who lived way out in the Sahara Desert, thousands of miles away from civilization, with only his faithful camel and his tiny Oasis. The day came when he became so frustrated he decided the time had come that he should screw his camel.

The camel, being a very tall creature, was out of the reach of the man's organ. So he decided to climb onto a dune and then do the camel. But every time he was ready, the camel would move and the man would fall.

Discouraged, the man went back to his tent, only to hear the scream of a woman. He ran into the desert, saw a band of people readying themselves to rape a woman. Quickly he pulled out his gun and fired a few shots into the air. This caused the band to get back into their car and drive off. The man went to the woman and asked if all was well.

"Oh, my hero, you saved me, I will do anything for you."

"GGGGREAT, the man replied,"Please hold my camel still for a second"

 

[specs]

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say.

"I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a cyanide capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!

But hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"

 

[tidyboiler]

Haha, love this!!!

 

[Silly Sausage]

8===>

 

[ian.settle1]

View attachment 20747

Haha, love this!!!

GS & TB in later life by any chance?

 

[Geordie Spark]

GS & TB in later life by any chance?

The way I've been feeling it could be as early as next week !!

 

[tazz]

We Buy Any Car P**s Take

 

[tidyboiler]

The way I've been feeling it could be as early as next week !!

Stop feeling sorry for yourself old man..................... the way you whizzed through that difficult electrical job today makes me realise I'm engaged to Superman!!!!!.............. :34:

 

[Silly Sausage]

Eh...did he repair a 'small' handheld electrical appliance?