A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[Guest111]

I was walking back from the pub the other night when I saw one of my neighbours struggling with this massive pig on his drive,I went over and he asked me to help him get it in the house,we got it in and as I was about to leave he asked my to help him get it upstairs into the bath! We got it in and I asked him what the hell he was doing with a pig in the bath."well" he said "the wife's a bit of a know all,I came home a while ago and told her they'd just announced on the radio that William and Kate had had a baby boy,she said I know." then he said " I came home the other night and said "there's just been a bloke run over at the top of the road,she said I know,well tomorrow morning she always gets up before me,she'll go into the bathroom find the pig and run into the bedroom screaming THERE'S A PIG IN THE BATH! and I'm gonna say yeah I know"

 

[specs]

Text to Mom.... Mom I have my boyfriends --- in my hair shall I have to cut it out or will it wash out ?



Text to Daughter.... I have had plenty of --- in my hair my dear and it has always washed out so don't cut it.




Text to Mom.... Mom I meant GUM

 

[specs]

Having an Irish mixed grill !! New potatoes, roast potatoes, boiled potatoes, mashed potatoes, waffles and hash browns with chips

 

[specs]

My wife just asked me if her appendix scar made her look unattractive.
Apparently the response of "don't worry babe, your ---- cover it" wasn't the answer she was looking for.

 

[specs]

A couple get married,Forty years later, they're in the same hotel room they spent their honeymoon in. She takes off her clothes, lies down on the bed, spreads her legs.... and he starts to cry. She says,
"What's the matter?"
He says, "Forty years ago, I couldn't wait to eat it, and now it looks like it can't wait to eat me."

 

[specs]

I've landed a job playing the triangle in a Reggae band.
I just have to stand at the back and ting...................

 

[dan86]

I wonder what "don't touch" is in Braille.

 

[telectrix]

probably similar to "don't listen" in sign language.

 

[specs]

Masculine moments
http://www.safeshare.tv/w/GnFzeOCVZF

 

[specs]

During WW II a German fighter pilot was shot down over England and he was captured by the British. He was hurt pretty bad, so the British doctor amputated his left arm. He requested that they drop his arm over his base in Germany. So the British did.

The next week they amputated his other arm and he asked the same thing. The British complied.

The next week they amputated one of his legs, and he again asked for them to drop it over his base in Germany. The British doctor replied, “Sorry Sir, we will do this no more!”

The pilot asked why not, and the British answered, “We think your trying to escape!!!.”

 

[specs]

The following questions were set in last year's GED examination These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............they walk amongst us and they WILL breed.




Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now, there is little hope)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death (It stands to reason)

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow (THAT I would like to witness)

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.. (wtf!)

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)

 

[telectrix]

i haqd a nightmare last night. paid £70 for the new 17th BGB and when i opened it, it was full of your jokes.

 

[specs]

A couple take in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they



didn't have a bath but if she wanted to she could use a tin bath in front of the fire......

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday....

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed.



She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.



He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, don't go to darts. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself.."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hair?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she showed the girl that indeed, she was far from hairless.

When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife asked: "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it before."

"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!!

 

[specs]

http://www.youtube.com/embed/xWMkOwq2qIU?rel=0

 

[Sintra]

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.
A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord !".
Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.
The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord". A bit annoyed by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.
The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord". Really angry now that this guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smartypants. You get up here and do it!"
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mic and starts to sing .....
>
>
>
" A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."