A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[telectrix]

after reading that, i'd say there's "norfolk in hope"

 

[specs]

Clinton dies and is on his way to Hell. At the gates he meets the devil who tells Clinton that because Hell is full, hell he replacing one of the current inhabitants. He leads him down a hallway where there are three doors and indicates that hell be given the choice of who he will replace forever in Hell.

The first door opens. Behind it is Newt Gingrich. Hes being worked over with a blowtorch. Clinton cringes, That looks painful. I dont think this is for me!

Door 2 opens. Behind it is Rush Limbaugh. His skin is being stripped off with a pair of pliers. I dont think so, Clinton insists.

Door 3 opens and behind it is Ken Starr. Hes bound hand to foot to a chair and is completely naked. Kneeling before him is Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. I can handle that! Clinton proclaims enthusiastically.

Very well says Satan, Monica, you may go

 

[lfcsparkycus]

specs. I bet your boring to work with!

 

[Kate]

After Sean Connery and before Timothy Dalton. He only played Bond more than any other actor so far.

Oh....im going to IMDB him. Maybe his face is more familiar!!

 

[Kate]

Wow he is old. Hes in his late 80s!!

He looks familiar. Ive only seen maybe the last 4 bond films in full. Never even seen a sean connery one. I know people who like to say 'bond, james bond' in sean connerys accent.

I dont like the james bond films. The character is an arrogant tw4t and I would like to punch him in the face.

 

[dan86]

..lol!

 

[specs]

A man and his ever-nagging wife went to Jerusalem but while they were there, his wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150 or have her shipped home for $5,000."

The man thought about it for a moment and then decided to have his deceased wife shipped home.

"Why spend so much more money to have her sent home when you can just have her buried here in the Holy Land for only $150?"

The man replied, "A long time ago, a man died here, was buried here but arose from the dead three days later. I just can't take that risk."

 

[specs]

Two nuns were shopping at a 7-11 store. As they passed by the beer cooler, one nun said to the other, "wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"

the second nun answered, "indeed it would, sister, but i would not feel comfortable buying beer, since i am certain it would cause a scene at the checkout stand."

"i can handle that without a problem," the other nun replied, and she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out.

The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer. "we use beer for washing our hair" the nun said, "back at our convent, we call it catholic shampoo.

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter. Pulled out a package of pretzel sticks, and placed them in the bag with the beer.

He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled, and said: "the curlers are on the house."
-mmt

 

[specs]

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked, Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?

Maria: Well, Seora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze.

The first is that I iron better than you.

Wife: Who said you iron better than me?

Maria: Jor huzban he say so.

Wife: Oh yeah?

Maria: The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you.

Wife: Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?

Maria: Jor hozban did

Wife increasingly agitated: Oh he did, did he?

Maria: The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed.

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, And did my husband say that as well?

Maria: No Seora The gardener did.

Wife: So how much do you want?

 

[specs]

specs. I bet your boring to work with!

i don't get the time to be boring, i'm to busy drinking tea, reading my paper, eating my lunch, texting jokes,chatting to the neighbours and filling in my lottery tickets, and then i have to find time to do a bit of work. My life is not easy . :wink5: