A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[dan86]

I went up to a girl in the club last night and said, "That's a nice dress. Do you know what it'd look even better on?"

"Let me guess," she sighed, "Your bedroom floor?"

"No," I replied, "A better-looking girl."

 

[HandySparks]

This is an old ditty, from memory... it is called "Tax on sex"

An oldie, but a goodie.

 

[Earthstore]

An oldie, but a goodie.

Me or the ditty, what a memory though....

 

[specs]

Swallowed a bottle of tippex last night. woke up with a massive correction

 

[specs]

An African ambassador visited Russia and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.

On the last day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, "As your stay is coming to an end, it's time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."

This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.

Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.

The African ambassador was impressed with the courageous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.

When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, "Now, time for you to sample our game, African roulette". He then led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six stunning and naked women.

The African ambassador said, "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a oral sex - take your pick".

The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?"

With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered:

"One of them's a cannibal."

 

[specs]

A woman was in a coma and she had been in it for months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath and one Nurse was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.

They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognizable movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that with the curtains closed for privacy, and his co-operation it might just work.

He finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

A few minutes passed and then the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart beat, alarms ringing, the nurses burst into the room. "What happened?" they cried.

The husband said, "I'm not sure, maybe she choked?"

 

[specs]

In the Home Guard

Casey joined the Home Guard during the Second World War and was given a rifle, ammunition and a very important task.

'I want you to guard the town against enemy insurgents,' said the captain. 'We've got a curfew in force. Anyone out of doors after midnight is to be shot on sight!'

There stood Casey at the town square, ever alert, when suddenly a figure came out of the darkness.

'Who goes there?' called Casey.

'Mick McGee,' came the answer.

Bang! Casey shot the man down.

'Good shot,' said the captain, 'but it's only eleven thirty.'

'Yes,' said Casey, 'but I know where he lived and he'd never have made it home in time!'

 

[specs]

The two Irishmen had fought for the rebels in a South American republic. Captured by government troops they faced a firing squad.

'Is there any last word you would like to say before you're shot?' asked the captain.

'Yes,' shouted Flanagan. 'I'd like to say that your president is the biggest twit on God's earth.'

'Quiet!' snapped Murphy. 'Don't cause trouble!'

 

[specs]

Cromwell's army were sweeping across Erin's Isle, crushing all before them. But they suddenly came to a grinding halt outside Cork city.

'What's the problem?' demanded Cromwell.

'It's Big Mick the Prince of Cork, he's over the hill in a cave and we can't winkle him out!' Just then Big Mick's voice bellowed: 'Oliver. Send in your toughest man to face me!' So in was sent a sergeant who stood 6 foot 8 inches and weighed 2001bs, armed to the teeth with sword, knife and pistols.

Ten seconds later a great cry of anguish was heard, followed by Big Mick shouting:

'He's a ----- cat, Oliver - send in your five next toughest men!'

In rode five armour-clad Ironsides, lances, swords and guns. A terrible screaming and wailing followed and again they heard Big Mick:

'Come on, Ollie me boy - send in twenty of your toughest!'

Off rode the twenty, preceded by a salvo of cannon and a volley of musket fire. Again, a great screaming was heard followed by the sight of one Roundhead, bleeding head to foot. He crawled towards Cromwell gasping:

'Sire, don't send in any more men. It's a trap - there's two of them!'

 

[specs]

Two Irishmen saw the sign 'Tree fellers wanted'. The first Irishman said 'If Pat had been with us we'd have got that job'.

 

[specs]

While being interviewed for a job, the personnel manager said to the Maguire brothers:

'We're going to give you a written examination. Ten questions. Whoever gets most right we'll hire.'

Papers were produced and the boys set to work answering the general knowledge questions. When the time was up the personnel manager collected and marked the papers.

'Well,' said he, 'you've both got nine out of ten, but I'm giving Mick the job.'

'Why's that?' asked Pat.

'Well,' said the manager, 'you both got the same question wrong but he had

'I don't know this' and you had 'Neither do I!'.

 

[specs]

A woman went to her doctor for advice.

She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for ---- sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.

"Do you enjoy it?" The doctor asked.

"Actually, yes, I do."

"Does it hurt you?" he asked.

"No. I rather like it."

"Well, then," the doctor continued, "there's no reason that you shouldn't practice ---- sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."

The woman was mystified.

"What? You can get pregnant from ---- sex?"

"Of course," the doctor replied, "Where do you think politicians come from?"

 

[specs]

'Adolf Hitler drives down this road every night at 9.15 pm,' said Casey the commando. 'We'll catch him in cross-fire and blow the devil's brains out.'

'Right,' said Murphy.

'Make no mistakes. Pour in the bullets and riddle his evil carcass. Rip him to shreds,' added Casey.

'Right,' said Murphy.

'Smash him to pulp, lob grenades and phosphorous bombs and obliterate him from the face of the earth!'

'Right,' said Murphy.

There they lay, the two intrepid Kerrymen. Nine o'clock, 9.15, 9.30 - still no Hitler.

'He's awful late,' said Casey. 'I hope nothing's happened to him!

 

[specs]

Christmas

 

[specs]

my fear