A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[specs]

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED
AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:

'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody
under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk
to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those
fears..'

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to
see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot
of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all
that money that I went and bought myself a new car!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did
a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there
now!!!'


FORGET THE SHRINKS..

HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!

 

[specs]

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I’m actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question. The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29". "I am actually 47." Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man’s age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age." As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it’s done. You are 47." Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds!"

 

[specs]

Worth the read....enjoy



This got the whole of Sydney laughing. Read it and you'll see why!

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.

Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.

The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes.

The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if
They are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant
answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal
questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with
(phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same
three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City
drop to its knees with laughter.

Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have.."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if
you win. What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sarah."

DJ: "Is Sarah at work, Brian?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever Have said
that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this
morning?

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work Number and
call her up.

DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?" (Touch tones.....
ringing....)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air Right now and
I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to
give any\answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules
of 'Mate Match'?"

Sarah: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be
completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If
your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be Off to
the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright.. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm.. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his
manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away
from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well..."

DJ: Come on Sarah......where did you have it?

Sarah: "Up the arse....."

They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was Going to have
a heart attack, he could not stop laughing. Apparently there was an
unusually high call out of the Sydney Police just after this
conversation, for minor traffic collisions.

 

[specs]

Two couples were playing poker one evening.


Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the
Table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear
Under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit
His head on the table and emerged red-faced



Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife
Followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?'
Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did.


She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you
$500. 'After taking a minute or two to assess the financial
And moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.


Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons
And Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.


When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m.
Sharp - and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went
To the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. Jim quickly
Dressed and left.
As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m.. And upon arriving,
Asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'


With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did stop by
For a few minutes this afternoon.'


Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked,
'And did he give you $500?'


Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes,
In fact he did give me $500.'


Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying,
'He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me.
He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home
And pay me back.'

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player

 

[specs]

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous.

A night of tall tales commences.

The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."

The second chimes in, "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."

The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis

 

[Earthstore]

Worth the read....enjoy



This got the whole of Sydney laughing. Read it and you'll see why!

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.

Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.

The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes.

The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if
They are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant
answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal
questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with
(phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same
three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City
drop to its knees with laughter.

Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have.."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if
you win. What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sarah."

DJ: "Is Sarah at work, Brian?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever Have said
that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this
morning?

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work Number and
call her up.

DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?" (Touch tones.....
ringing....)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air Right now and
I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to
give any\answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules
of 'Mate Match'?"

Sarah: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be
completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If
your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be Off to
the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright.. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm.. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his
manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away
from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well..."

DJ: Come on Sarah......where did you have it?

Sarah: "Up the arse....."

They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was Going to have
a heart attack, he could not stop laughing. Apparently there was an
unusually high call out of the Sydney Police just after this
conversation, for minor traffic collisions.

But did they win the holiday?

 

[Kate]

But did they win the holiday?

I was about to ask that!!

 

[Des 56]

Worth the read....enjoy



This got the whole of Sydney laughing. Read it and you'll see why!

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.

Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.

The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes.

The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if
They are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant
answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal
questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with
(phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same
three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City
drop to its knees with laughter.

Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have.."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if
you win. What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sarah."

DJ: "Is Sarah at work, Brian?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever Have said
that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this
morning?

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work Number and
call her up.

DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?" (Touch tones.....
ringing....)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air Right now and
I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to
give any\answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules
of 'Mate Match'?"

Sarah: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be
completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If
your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be Off to
the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright.. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm.. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his
manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away
from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well..."

DJ: Come on Sarah......where did you have it?

Sarah: "Up the arse....."

They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was Going to have
a heart attack, he could not stop laughing. Apparently there was an
unusually high call out of the Sydney Police just after this
conversation, for minor traffic collisions.

The Yanks can be just as stupid https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4XM5hbS7GlU

 

[specs]

a man was drinking with a pal, he had to much too drink and vomited on his jacket, the missus will go friggin spare now he says to his mate, do what I do says his mate, put a tenner in the jacket pocket and when the wife starts moaning blame me, and say hes put a tenner in my pocket to cover the dry cleaning, ok will do great idea. when he gets home his missus is fuming, look at the sick all over your jacket, u disgust me..holding up his hand he says jack did it, hes put a tenner in my pocket to cover the dry cleaming, checking his pocket she finds 20 pounds. theres 20 pounds here she says? thinking about it, he replies..thats right he $hit in my pants as well

 

[specs]

New Words 1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an arsehole.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

11. Osteo****osis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

12. Karmageddon: It's when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes, and it's a serious bummer.

13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you

14. Glibido: All talk and no action.

15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.