A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[Paul.M]

The young electricians mate Paddy asked his gaffer for Monday and Tuesday off so he can decorate the spare bedroom for his first child, as his girlfriend is going to drop any time now! Boss man says yes and he will still pay him for the time off.

Friday afternoon the gaffer calls Paddy and asks where the bloody hell he is? Paddy replies:-

“Do you know how hard it is to match up chipwood wallpaper???”

 

[Paul.M]

There's a very good reason why she's facing backwards...

Yep, chicks with d1cks. Almost got this forum closed down a couple of years ago, just ask Kamikaze :rofl: It was worth the ban though Kam.

Kam, lets have a picture thread in the xmas week when we are all off work. Might have to put it in the Arms? Both of us entertaining the forum with our daft sense of humor. Up for it mate???

 

[steve50]

Stamps


A blonde woman goes to the hospital. "What seems to be the problem? asked
the Doctor.

"Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa
Rica in my vag!na."


The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said "Those aren't postage stamps my
dear,
they're the sticker's off the bananas"

 

[steve50]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of ----- are there?"
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of -----.
In her 20s, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,
"Mum, how many kinds of "willies" are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers,
"Well, dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?" "
Yes. The tree is dead, and the balls are just for decoration."

 

[dan86]

I met an Indian woman with Bulimia once.

Her name was Bingita.

 

[steve50]

...........

 

[steve50]

.........

 

[Kamikaze]

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Athens airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?"
"No, just here for a few days."

 

[AndrewMgan1976]

I've had enough of Christmas. All year long I work my ****ing fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids ask for. And what happens Christmas morning? That fat ****er with a beard gets all the credit!! Still I suppose its my fault for marrying her.

 

[Kamikaze]

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; "Get lost, you won't bring it back."

 

[specs]

didn't work shame it was good

 

[specs]

Apologies for being absent, absolutely up to my eyes in it, up early home late , my life is not easy.

 

[Kamikaze]

Well, now your back, give us a joke!

 

[specs]

A 40-year-old woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he is still a virgin.

After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback.

They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities.

Upon her return to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.

"What happened?" she asks.

"I've never been with a woman," he says, "but if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm going to need all the room I can get."

 

[specs]

We're in Soviet Russia, it is the early 80's and Vladimir has been hoarding his spare rubles for years and years in order to be able to purchase a car. The big day finally arrives; he's finally saved up enough. He goes to the Ministry of Motor Vehicles and after waiting in line for 5 hours, he is finally face-to-face with a bureaucrat and proudly announces, "I would like to purchase a car!"

The bureaucrat takes Vlad's rubles, counts them, counts them, counts them again. Then he wordlessly throws Vlad a pile of paperwork which Vlad dutifully fills out (in triplicate!) so that they can proceed. The bureaucrat examines all the paperwork, makes Vladimir re-do some of the pages before determining: "I have examined your paperwork and it is sufficient. The rubles you have paid me are sufficient. You can purchase a car. Come back 10 years from today and your car will be ready."

Unfazed, Vlad asks, "Will it be ready in the morning or the afternoon?"

The bureaucrat is stunned... "Morning or afternoon? Morning or afternoon? It's 10 years from today! Why do you care if it's in the morning or afternoon?"

"Well, it's just that the plumber's coming by in the morning..."