Electrical Definitions

[Kamikaze]

Electrical Definitions
Electrical contractor: A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal.

Bid Opening: A poker game in which the losing hand wins.

Low Bidder: An electrical contractor who is wondering what the hell he has left out.

Engineer's Estimate: The cost of construction in Heaven.

Project Manager: The conductor of an orchestra in which every musician is in a differend wage bracket.

Critical Path Method: A management technique for losing your shirt under perfect control.

HSE: A protective coating made by half-baking a mixture of fine print, split hairs, red tape and nonsense. Usually applied at random with a shot gun.

Strike: An effort to increase egg production by strangling the chicken.

Delayed Payment: A tourniquet applied at the pockets.

Completion Date: The point at which liquidated damages begin.

Liquidated Damages: A penalty for failing to achieve the impossible.

Can you think of any more?

 

[telectrix]

potential difference: the gap between what the job's worth and what the customer wants to pay.

circuit impedance: the resistance of the customer to get his check book out.

trip time: the time it takes a customer to get to the cash point, coz. his last cheque bounced.

 

[Kamikaze]

lol....I knew you would not let me down :tounge_smile:

 

[johnboy6083]

Bonding: the proess of the boss taking you too one side, and asking a favour.
Testing: the act of trying to keep your cool while bonding.
Snagging: the client trying to find any possible excuse for getting out of paying on time, or paying at all.

 

[telectrix]

Certifying: a process to be applied to 75% of customers.

Separation: the art of getting the customer to part with cash/cheque.

Diversity: the difference between cash payers and the " cheque's in the post" brigade.

Segregation: keeping the potential customer away from joe in the pub who will do it for £20

 

[Kamikaze]

Loose screw: An electrician with a technical malfunction.

PME Export: Electricians favourite tipple.

Back EMF: Not 100% sure but it's got something to do with a European Market subsidy.

Step up/down transformer: An electricians favourite dance.

 

[Kamikaze]

Additional protection: Not giving the customer your real name.

Functional testing: A timeless method of verifying the calibration of test equipment using the apprentice.

Erection methods: Usually quick & up against the wall.

 

[Kamikaze]

For the life of me can’t think of one for Reverse Polarity

 

[telectrix]

unbalanced load...... a pint in one hand and a double scotch in the other.

 

[telectrix]

reverse polarity..... eddie izzard.

 

[Kamikaze]

I really like those.....pml :tounge_smile:

 

[telectrix]

flashover...... pervert with a microlight

 

[telectrix]

containment.... isolating immigrants on the isle of wight and importing seychelles sharks.

 

[mattmoo1974]

Correct disconnection time= She enjoyed it as well!!

 

[mattmoo1974]

Touch Voltage= My aunty isnt down from reading.....

 

[mattmoo1974]

PIR= your looking fine
ECR= Your getting fat!

 

[Des 56]

reverse polarity..... eddie izzard.

A good laugh guys and well thought out

I got a problem with the quoted one above
I aint got a foggiest what its supposed to mean
Care to enlighten me,I got a sneaky feeling he is a comic of sorts,but thats all I know of the guy

 

[Kamikaze]

A good laugh guys and well thought out

I got a problem with the quoted one above
I aint got a foggiest what its supposed to mean
Care to enlighten me,I got a sneaky feeling he is a comic of sorts,but thats all I know of the guy

Eddie Izzard leans the other way if you know what I mean. :tounge_smile:

 

[Kamikaze]

Hertz: The pain felt during an electric shock.

Frequency: The time it takes to learn from Hertz.

Fuse: Short temper.

Eddy Current: Original song writer of Electric Avenue.

Busbar: Transport with refreshment facilities.

Watt: Any chance you could repeat that please.

Surge: A short duration of hyper activity.

 

[Des 56]

Got ya, he is not a straight comedian then

Cold tail = A frigging lesbian
Distributor = No chance that this ones a lesbian

hazardous live part = a great white shark
Simple seperation = a bucket of water

Pen conductor = Shepherd
Heating free area = The soles of my feet
Flexible sheet heating element = Bowels

Back up protection = A kalashnikov

 

[Kamikaze]

Insulation tape: A device for changing "NO" to "MmmmMmmm"

Work: A past time which never killed anyone, but why take the chance.

 

[Kamikaze]

Electrickery: Witchcraft & sorcery of the electrical arts.

Ohmies: A brotherhood of electricians on a internet forum.

 

[telectrix]

commando plug..... something to do to a girl with no knickers.

 

[Kamikaze]

Rectifier: An electrician on his deathbed wishing he'd spent more time at work.

Back-hander: A nod’s as good as a wink. Say no more Squire..... Say no more.

 

[Kamikaze]

Touch Voltage= My aunty isnt down from reading.....

Mattmoo1974.… Post 15 & 16, I keep reading it but I just don’t get it.

 

[oxocube]

Complementary floor heating - it tells you 'you're looking good today'
Conducting location with restricted movement - an electric chair
Consumer unit - a pound note
Control gear - hand cuffs
Direct contact - smack in the gob
Distributor - drug dealer
Double insulation - two layers of thermal underwear
Electric shock - paying the bill
Harmonised standard - the national anthem
Instructed person - telling someone to 'F*** off'
Insulation - thermal underwear.
Maintenance - cost of keeping the misses.
Obstacle - an electrical clerk of works.
Ordinary person - a nobody
Pleasure craft - a floating brothel
Powertrack - a treadmill
Protective conductor - he cares about his passengers
Protective separation - a divorce
PV generator - FIT tarriff
Reinforced insulation - three layers of thermal underwear
Switch - a cross dresser
Switch, linked - married cross dressers
Switchboard - fed up cross dresser
Switchgear - my best frock
Testing - switch on and sniff for smoke
Trunking - Elephants noses

 

[mattmoo1974]

Its ref to a ladies "Time of the month"
and the next 1 i dont no, i was "well Oiled" on stella that night

 

[ruston]

Short circuit-- A job near home.
assessment of general characteristics--- The customer is an ar.....le
Special location ----- pub on the way home.
Suitable materials----- items supplied by above.

 

[Kamikaze]

Experience: The name electricians give to their mistakes.

 

[telectrix]

Basic Protection........... Condom

Additional protection..... 2 Condoms

Conducting Location..... Bandstand

Earth Fault................. San Andreas

Clamp Mater............... A device for measuring if you've got Balls

Distribution Network.... Drug Cartel

 

[Kamikaze]

Negligent: Describes a condition in which an electrician absent minded answers the door in a baby-doll nightie. (And I actually have seen this happen)

 

[telectrix]

Resistance.... what she gives you before drinkies

Impedance.... getting into her knickers

 

[topquark]

That can't be right, the resistance would increase as things heat up.

 

[telectrix]

then you get reactance

 

[topquark]

then you get reactance

But that won't change so much with heat

 

[telectrix]

depends on the friction coefficient.

 

[topquark]

depends on the friction coefficient.

LMFAO, at least it's stopping the boredom.

 

[telectrix]

scientific calculator........ an IT guy with brains. (seldom found)

 

[telectrix]

butt joint...... a spliff up your arse.

 

[topquark]

scientific calculator........ an IT guy with brains. (seldom found)

"I" as in isolated, ie no friends