Z
Zebra Stripe
Been to have a look at a shop refit job with another spark, who got the job through a builder (the fool)………the shop is single story, small and in the middle of know where, and to be honest needs gutting, but hey ………
So we turn up, the light fading, clouds rolling in from the east, a lusty breeze ruffles me hair and a distinct vale of monetary excitement creeps ghostly across my mates face.
Time drags, stands still and turns in on itself until at last, like some god in his chariot the builder arrives, late, as all builders are, blaming traffic and lack of foresight of other drivers.
Expletives dripping from his jowls, he dismounts his vehicle and yanks, almost pulling his trousers up to his chest and over his head, like some act of importance proclaimed and proud. He says “right, I want some outside lights on the front of the shop and this light board signage thing wired up” “you wont have to do much cos an electricians been weaving his magic’
The builder now in full control of the situation opens the shop door with the keys dangling from a chain attached to his now straining belt and as if by some arcane and dark magic, the shop owner sort of floats into the shop in an inevitable yet dignified way. Unholy mists now forming around the shop, we say “okily docily, where’s the board” ……….”Oh its in this cupboard” says the builder with an almost sinister sort of Essex accent.
The shop owner, now standing by the cupboard door, with a touch of pride in his voice, adds, “just had all that done by an electrician, its all new, shiny and very costly”
Well, we open the door, which creaked and cracked as if a spell had been lifted. The shop owner beamed a smile of almost delight into the dark fathoms of the cupboard “behold” he declared. And there, in front of us, like some carbuncle or cancer formed from sheer madness, hidden in the depths of this cupboard, as if created out of hate and vengeful greed, we saw it. Carved forever into my weak mind like a ghost I stumbled backwards. My mate immediately puked and began trembling; I instinctively knelt and formed the shape of a cross with my now shacking hands. The builder began to mumble gibberish as he backed out of the shop in despair…………….There in the gloom, on a very loosely secured chipboard base sat the mains intake, single phase old, lonely and dusty….the meter tails coiled into a new shiny two way screwfix type garage RCD protected CU……we both new instantly…..”no earth” we cried in unison, and my mate began to weep hysterically. On removal of the CU cover we discovered that a 16amp MCB protected 4 or 5No - 1mm cables jammed into its terminals like spaghetti and the 2No ring finals (we think ring finals) the same but into a 32amp MCB. We began to test polarity, Ze etc feverishly but to no avail, all was lost, we could behold it no more and almost fled.
We later (5mins) found out that a charlatan had charged £750 to take out an 8 way BS3871 board “cos its dangerous” he had said, and must be replaced with a two way RCD board. The shop owner had not received the promised NICEIC certs from this vagabond either. We tried to call him, no answer, but to all our surprise we could communicate with him via text message. His defense being,
“I told you there was no earth but you didn’t want to pay to have one” and “there’s nothing wrong with what I’ve done” and
“you wouldn’t pay for a bigger board” and
“that two way board cost me £400” and of course the inevitable
“if you keep pestering me I know some tuff people”
We then all went home and began drinking heavily; well I did anyway…The End
So we turn up, the light fading, clouds rolling in from the east, a lusty breeze ruffles me hair and a distinct vale of monetary excitement creeps ghostly across my mates face.
Time drags, stands still and turns in on itself until at last, like some god in his chariot the builder arrives, late, as all builders are, blaming traffic and lack of foresight of other drivers.
Expletives dripping from his jowls, he dismounts his vehicle and yanks, almost pulling his trousers up to his chest and over his head, like some act of importance proclaimed and proud. He says “right, I want some outside lights on the front of the shop and this light board signage thing wired up” “you wont have to do much cos an electricians been weaving his magic’
The builder now in full control of the situation opens the shop door with the keys dangling from a chain attached to his now straining belt and as if by some arcane and dark magic, the shop owner sort of floats into the shop in an inevitable yet dignified way. Unholy mists now forming around the shop, we say “okily docily, where’s the board” ……….”Oh its in this cupboard” says the builder with an almost sinister sort of Essex accent.
The shop owner, now standing by the cupboard door, with a touch of pride in his voice, adds, “just had all that done by an electrician, its all new, shiny and very costly”
Well, we open the door, which creaked and cracked as if a spell had been lifted. The shop owner beamed a smile of almost delight into the dark fathoms of the cupboard “behold” he declared. And there, in front of us, like some carbuncle or cancer formed from sheer madness, hidden in the depths of this cupboard, as if created out of hate and vengeful greed, we saw it. Carved forever into my weak mind like a ghost I stumbled backwards. My mate immediately puked and began trembling; I instinctively knelt and formed the shape of a cross with my now shacking hands. The builder began to mumble gibberish as he backed out of the shop in despair…………….There in the gloom, on a very loosely secured chipboard base sat the mains intake, single phase old, lonely and dusty….the meter tails coiled into a new shiny two way screwfix type garage RCD protected CU……we both new instantly…..”no earth” we cried in unison, and my mate began to weep hysterically. On removal of the CU cover we discovered that a 16amp MCB protected 4 or 5No - 1mm cables jammed into its terminals like spaghetti and the 2No ring finals (we think ring finals) the same but into a 32amp MCB. We began to test polarity, Ze etc feverishly but to no avail, all was lost, we could behold it no more and almost fled.
We later (5mins) found out that a charlatan had charged £750 to take out an 8 way BS3871 board “cos its dangerous” he had said, and must be replaced with a two way RCD board. The shop owner had not received the promised NICEIC certs from this vagabond either. We tried to call him, no answer, but to all our surprise we could communicate with him via text message. His defense being,
“I told you there was no earth but you didn’t want to pay to have one” and “there’s nothing wrong with what I’ve done” and
“you wouldn’t pay for a bigger board” and
“that two way board cost me £400” and of course the inevitable
“if you keep pestering me I know some tuff people”
We then all went home and began drinking heavily; well I did anyway…The End
