A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[telectrix]

a white horse walks into a bar and asks for a beer.

cerianly sir, says rthe barman. did you know there's a whisky named after you/

don't be daft says the horse. whoever would name a whisky eric.

 

[trev]

Celine Dion walks into a bar. Barman says "Hi Celine, why the long face?"

 

[Besoeker]

Man walks into a bar and asks for a pint of beer and a shot glass of beer.
He pulls a little chap out of his pocket, all of nine inches tall, sits him on the bar and gives him the small glass of beer.

The barman is astounded.
"Where did you get him?"
"It's a but of a sad tale I have to tell. But can I let him play some piano music first?"
So he set the wee follow on the keyboard. He danced around and did a pretty nice rendition of Für Elise.

The man's story:
"I helped an old lady across a busy street. Then she thanked me for my kindness, then told me she was a witch and that she would grant me a wish as a reward for helping her. But she must have been partly deaf - so I've ended up with this nine inch pianist."

 

[Kamikaze]

Late one night at the asylum one of the patients shouted, “I am Napoleon!”
A person in another room said, "How do you know?"
The first patient said, "God told me!"
Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did not!"

 

[Plonker 3]

A man walks into a bar.........









And says "ouch"

 

[dingledong]

It was an iron bar

 

[SPARTYKUS]

Heres a cracker of a cracker

 

[SPARTYKUS]

I know a Nepalese guy who has climbed Everest, swum with sharks and wrestled bears.

his name is Bindair Dundhat.

 

[norcal]

The Chicago Way

---

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence
at the White House. One is
from Chicago, another is from Kentucky, and the
third is from New Orleans.

All three go with a White House Official to
examine the fence. The New Orleans
contractor takes out a tape measure and
does some measuring, then works
some figures with a pencil. Well, he says, I
figure the job will run about
$9,000. That's $4,000 for materials, $4,000
for my crew and $1,000 profit for
me. The Kentucky contractor also does some
measuring, I can do this job for
$7,000. That's $3,000 for materials, $3,000
for my crew and $1,000 profit for
me.

The Chicago contractor doesn't
measure or figure, but leans over to the White
House Official and whispers,
$27,000. The official, incredulous, says, you
didn't even measure like the
other guys. How did you come up with such a
high figure? The Chicago
contractor whispers back, $10,000 for me, $10,000
for you, and we hire the
guy from Kentucky to fix the fence.

"Done!" replied the government
official.

And that, my friends, is how the Government Stimulus plan
worked!!!

Remember... Four boxes keep us free: the soap box, the ballot
box, the jury
box, and the cartridge box.

 

[specs]

The female dentist prepares the needle to give the bloke with the toothache an anaesthetic injection..





































































“No way! No needles, I hate needles!” the guy said.



So the dentist starts to hook up her nitrous oxide gas and the man objects again.



“I can't do the gas thing either. The thought of having the gas mask on my face makes me faint!”



She then asks the guy if he has any objection to taking a pill.



“No objection,” the patient says. “'I'm fine with pills.”



When she returns she says, “Here's a ------ and a glass of water.”



The guy says, “Wow! I didn't know ------ worked as a pain killer!”



“It doesn't” she said, "But it’ll give you something to hold on to while I pull your tooth out."

 

[specs]

A man received a text from his neighbour:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I do not get it at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't ever happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Bloody autospell! I meant "wifi, not "wife" . . . .

 

[specs]

A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had ----- bigger than his mother’s, and asked her why. She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "units" than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

 

[specs]

I have turned my burglar alarm off, deregistered from neighbourhood watch. Raised two ISIS flags and the Pakistani flag as well. Now the Police,MI5 and the FBI watch my house 24/7 for free. I have never felt so safe

 

[specs]

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of

the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a

big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so

Strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and it stopped

John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into

the car and closed the door.... Only to realize there was nobody

behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving

slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching

Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before

the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the

window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched

as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road,

so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it.. Wet

and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about

the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying...

And wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark

and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.

Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to

the other...

'Look Paddy....there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were

pushing it!'

 

[specs]

Bill, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old tall, tan and terrific babe who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bill's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast.
At the very first chance, they corner him and ask “Bill, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?”
Bill replies, “Girlfriend? She's my wife!”
They are knocked over, but continue to ask. “So, how did you persuade her to marry you?”
“I lied about my age”, Bill replies.
“What did you tell her, you were only 50?”
Bill smiles and says, “No, I told her I was 90.”