A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[specs]

A bloke calls his wife from work. He tells her that his finger got cut off on the building site where he works.
"Oh my God!" cries the wife, "The whole finger?"...."No," replies the bloke, "The one next to it."!

 

[specs]

.I'm at the local police station, I've been caught drink driving. Urine sample was positive, so I stole the sample. Now I'm being charged for taking the plss

 

[Besoeker]

[h=1]Men and women.

A man and woman had been in a relationship for 4 months and things were going well. One evening they met after work at a bar, had a few drinks, went for a meal then went home and made love.[/h]HER diary reads :
He was in an odd mood this evening. I arrived 5 minutes late at the bar, though he didn’t say that was the reason. The conversation was quite slow going, and he bought the first 2 rounds. I thought things weren’t going too well so suggested we go somewhere more intimate for a talk. We went to a nice restaurant, but he was still a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up, but it didn’t seem to make any difference. I asked him if the problem was me , but he said no.
In the taxi back to the house, he was quite moody, and when I offered to pay for the taxi he was quite rude. I put my arms round him and said I loved him, but he just put his arm round me and said nothing. I did not know what to make of it, and got in a bit of a state and by the time we got to the house I thought he was going to dump me.
When we got in to the house, he just sat and switched on the television. I tried to talk to him but he wasn’t interested so I went to bed and sobbed for 10 minutes. He eventually came to bed and we made love. I was very worried this may be the last time. Cried myself to sleep. What will the morning bring ?

HIS diary reads :
Bad day at work At least I got a shag.

 

[SPARTYKUS]

Some random words to allow posting above.

 

[SPARTYKUS]

Do you knoe what the definition of "making love" is?

something a woman does while a man is f****ng her.

 

[specs]

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.

The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled.

Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry.... we can't hire you."

"But wait," the man says. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanising all over the country."

"Womanising? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

 

[specs]

A little boy wants a bike for Christmas really badly, but the kid is a real bad seed, and he knows it. He writes a letter to Jesus. "Dear Jesus, if I get a bike for Christmas, I'll be good for a whole week." He thinks about it, crosses out what he wrote, and says, "I can't be good for a whole week, I'll be good for five days." He crosses that out and writes, "I'll be good for four days." Then he thinks again and says, "Can't do that." He gets down to one day and says, "I can't even be good for a day." Then in frustration, goes in his mother's room and get the statue of the Virgin Mary, wraps it up in a blanket, puts it in a paper bag, throws it in the closet and says, "Dear Jesus, if I don't get a bike for Christmas, you'll never see your mother again!"

 

[specs]

A teacher asks her class
"can anyone tell me who robin hoods girlfriend is
"little paddy raises his hand and says is it Trudy Glen?
No replays the teacher it's maid Marion,
paddy replays what about the song

Robin Hood Robin Hood riding Trudy glen

 

[specs]

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking." Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone." "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

 

[specs]

decided to go to the Lakemba Mosque for a first time.

I sat down and the Iman came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said by the will of Allah the ol' Mighty and the Prophet Mohamed you will walk today.

I told him I was not paralyzed.

He came back and laid his hands on me and repeated the same thing.

Again I told him there is nothing wrong with me..

After the prayers I stepped outside and lo and behold my bike had been stolen

 

[specs]

http://i14.photobucket.com/albums/a326/chrisaug05/image001_zps12325fb5.gif

 

[specs]

http://i57.tinypic.com/1rclco.png

 

[specs]

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it, only to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

 

[specs]

http://i.imgbox.com/skWD6LQm.gif

 

[telectrix]

Exotic Travel


My wife and I decided to take an organised trip to Afghanistan to see for ourselves what the place was like.


It didn't start well when the train we were travelling on broke down a few miles North of the capital.


We were stranded in a third world hell hole!


Streets full of angry bearded types glaring at us, the wife stood out in her brightly coloured sundress, as all other women were head to toe in black burqas.


We were extremely scared and convinced that we were in deep trouble.


Just then, Dave the organizer suddenly remembered that Finsbury Park had a tube station, so we were able to get safely to King’s Cross and then on to Heathrow for the rest of our journey to Afghanistan.