A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[specs]

Love means never having to say, "Does that twenty include the spanking?"

To truly love another, you must first love yourself. And it wouldn't kill you to wash your hands in between either.

They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient. But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it more personal and sincere.

We cannot see the future. We cannot change the past. We can only live in the now with an eye towards gaining enough power in the future to wreck revenge on everyone who ever screwed us in the past.

If Life hands you lemons today, smile and give thanks. Then when Life isn't looking, give him a quick knee to the groin. That'll learn him.

Dreaming frees the soul, energizes the spirit and allows you to do things that would get your --- thrown in jail if you really tried them.

 

[specs]

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house.

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served, and when little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.

"Johnny, wait until we pray," his mother reminded him.

"I don't have to," the little boy replied.

"Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we always pray before eating at our house."

"That's at our house," Johnny explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!"

 

[specs]

A Kiwi woman who had been unemployed for several months finally got a job with Public Works. This was a little old town, so her job was to paint lines down the center of a rural road using a paint brush. The Supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set minimum of 2 miles per day of lines. The Kiwi agrees and starts right away. The Supervisor checked at the end of day one and found that the Kiwi had completed 4 miles, double the required average.

The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the Kiwi only accomplished 2 miles.

The Supervisor thought, "Well, she's at the average and I don't want to discourage her, so I'll just keep quiet."

The third day, the Kiwi only did one mile and the boss thought, "I need to talk to her before this gets worse."

The boss called the Kiwi in and said, "The first day you did 4 miles, the second day 2 miles and yesterday only 1 mile.

Why? Is there an injury? A problem? Equipment failure?

What's keeping you from meeting the minimum 2 miles per day?"

The Kiwi replied, "Well, each day I keep getting farther and farther away from the paint bucket!

 

[specs]

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their
new wives duties to perform.

Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his
new wife to do the dishes and all the cleaning in the house. He said it
took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house
and all the dishes were washed and put away.

James had married a woman from Australia and he bragged that he had
given his new wife orders to do all the cleaning, the dishes and the
cooking. He told them the first day he didn't see any results, but the
next day it was better and by the third day his house was clean, the
dishes done and there was a huge meal on the table.

The third man said the he had married a girl from Liverpool. He boasted
that the duties he had ordered her to do were to keep the house cleaned,
the dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table
every day. He said the first day he didn't see
anything, the second day he still didn't see anything, but by the third day
most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little bit
out of his left eye. Enough to make himself a bite to eat, load the
dishwasher and call a gardener.

 

[specs]

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said 'Son we'd give you one but the mortgage on this house is $580,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.'

The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked 'Son where are you going?'

Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $580,000 mortgage and no f***ing bike!

 

[specs]

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the Best
patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York , says, 'I like to see accountants
on my operating table because when you open them up, everything
inside is numbered.'

The second, from Chicago , responds, 'Yeah, but you should try
electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'

The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, 'No, I really think librarians
are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like
construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have
a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when
he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine..
Plus, the head and the --- are interchangeable

 

[specs]

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.

'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'

'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track..'

'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.

Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''

Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'

 

[specs]

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding... Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result.. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace... Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt..

 

[specs]

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car showroom.
Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 120mph enjoying the wind blowing
through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing!"
he thought as he flew down the M4, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even
more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue
lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!"
thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 140mph, then 150 then 160.
Suddenly, he thought,
"What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!"

So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch
up with him. Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up the driver's
side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said,
"Sir,
my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the
weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never
heard before, I'll let you go."
The old man, looked very seriously at the policeman and replied,
"Years ago my wife ran off with a policeman.
I thought you were bringing her back."

" Have a good day, Sir", said the policeman.

 

[Plonker 3]

Has anyone told specs that posts in here dont go towards your post count? lol

 

[specs]

Has anyone told specs that posts in here dont go towards your post count? lol

Damn it :bigcry:, I just thought the 'post' counter was stuck. do I get a free neon screwdriver for effort????resents3:

 

[specs]

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real "miser" when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife.... "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.
Well, he died.





He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,"Wait just a moment!" She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.





So her friend said, "Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.
" You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it

 

[specs]

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?"

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

"Holy smoke thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

 

[specs]

Mrs. Jones, who was over-weight, was attending the weight-watchers meeting.

He complained to the woman sitting next to her, "You know my husband insists on me attending these meetings cos he would rather screw a slim woman."

The lady replied, "So what's wrong with that?"

Mrs. Jones said, "He loves to do it when I am attending these meetings."

 

[specs]

A scientist gets on a train to go to New York. His cabin also has a poor farmer in it. To pass the time the scientist decides to play a game with the guy.

"I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong, you have to pay me 1 dollar. Then you ask me a question, and if I get it wrong, you get 10 dollars. You ask me a question first." The farmer thinks for a while.

"I know. What has three legs, takes 10 hours to climb up a palm tree, and 10 seconds to get back down?" The scientist is confused and thinks long and hard about the question. Finally, the train ride is coming to an end. As it pulls into the station, the scientist takes out 10 dollars and gives it to the farmer.

"I don't know. What has 3 legs, takes 10 hours to get up a palm tree and 10 seconds to get back down?" The farmer takes the 10 dollars and puts it into his pocket. He then takes out 1 dollar and hands it to the scientist.

"I don't know."