A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[specs]

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:


The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.


The bouncer is a blonde girl.


I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.


The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.


The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times

 

[dan86]

A Catholic girl went to confession and said to the priest, "I'm pregnant."

He asked, "How did this happen, my child?"

She said, "I think it must be the second coming."

The priest, shocked by this reply asked, "What makes you think it's the second coming?"

She replied, "Because I swallowed the first one."

good girl!

 

[specs]

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.

She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.

He asks the lady,

'Do you have a vagina?'

She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman,

'Do you have a vagina?'

She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice,

'Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again.'

The next morning they hear a knock and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice,

'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where the ******* is going with it.'

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question;

'Do you have vagina'?

'Yes, actually I have one,' she says. The man replies..

'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?

 

[specs]

There was this boy in high school that was what you would
consider a nerd. Anyway he had his own lab in the basement
of his home and one night he came up and said "Dad look
what I made." So he poured a flask of fluid into a pot of
soil and instantly grass started to grow.

Of course his dad was really impressed with this and asked
his son if he can make something to make his penis grow.

His son thought for a minute and said that if he did then
dad would have to buy him a convertable.

Dad agreed.

The next night the son came out of the basement and gave his
dad a vial. The next morning his father came to him and told
him that he had something to show him. They went to the front
yard and the boy saw a cherry red ferrari.

The son looked at his dad and said "I only asked for a convertable."

The dad replied "the convertable is in the garage. The Ferrari is
from your mother."

 

[specs]

have a little Satnav, it sits there in my car

A Satnav is a driver's friend, it tells you where you are.

I have a little Satnav, I've had it all my life

It's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife.

It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive

"It's thirty miles an hour", it says "You're doing thirty five"

It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake

And tells me that it's never, ever safe to over take

It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green

It seems to know instinctively just when to intervene.

It lists the vehicles just in front

And all those to the rear

And taking this in to account, it specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver has, so helpful a device.

For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice.

It fills me up with counselling

Each journey's pretty fraught.

So why don't I exchange it

And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed,

It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages

And my tendency to scoff,

I only wish that now and then, I could turn the bug*er off.

 

[specs]

Employer: Do you believe in life after death?
Employee: No I don't. Never seen any proof.
Employer: Well, I have proof for you now... after you left for your uncles funeral yesterday, he turned up here looking for you

 

[specs]

A girl is sitting at the edge of a tall building, contemplating suicide on Christmas day. Santa Claus sees the girl and sits down beside her.

"What's wrong my child?" asks the man.

"I have no job, no friends and no one who loves me and today i'm reminded of this even more.. there's no point."

Santa Claus thinks for a moment and replies: "What if i were to grant you 3 wishes, would that change your mind?"

The girl's eyes light up and she asks for her first wish " I want a beautiful house, one which money can't buy". The old man pulls out a piece of paper with an address and tells the girl that her new home is waiting for her there.

"I want more money that i could ever spend so that i can enjoy my house and new life and never need to worry about a job ever again"

"Next time you check your bank account, it will be there. More than you could ever spend." replies Santa.

"And finally, i want the perfect husband to live my dream life with and never have to be alone ever again!"

"Done, he will be waiting for you at your new place"

The girl gets up and begins to walk away from the ledge, Santa claus looks at her and asks a final question. "You seem a lot happier now, how would you feel about returning the favor to and old lonely man?"

"Sure, anything!" replies the girl.

"How about a BJ?" he asks.

The girls keeps her promise and starts doing her thing.

Towards the end, the old man asks the girl -- "How old are you child?"

"24" she replies.

"And you still believe in Santa Claus?"

 

[specs]

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!'

 

[specs]

A Brit and an American are chatting in a bar one day.

The American says, "you know, there's a term we have for you Brits, and I always wondered where it came from."

"Oh yes," says the Brit, "Which term would that be?"

"Why do we call you 'Limies'?"

"Ah, well, back in the grand old days of the Sea Faring Empire, one of the major problems on board ship was scurvy which, as you know, is greatly helped by vitamin C. Now, citrus fruits are a good source of Vitamin C but oranges tend to rot quite quickly, and so the Royal Navy commissioned a study and it was found that, of all the citrus fruits, limes lasted the longest. Hence, they put them aboard every ship as a daily ration, to help our brave lads stave off scurvy. So, of course, all of the sailors who met up with US sailors in foreign ports always had, and probably smelled a little of, limes. Hence your name for us."

"Well, I'll be damned," said the American. "I never knew that. Huh. You learn something every day."

"You know," said the Brit, "we have a term for you Americans, and I wondered if you knew the origin of it?"

"Shoot!" replied the American.

"Why is it that we call you '******s'?"

 

[specs]

trust admin to obliterate the whole word, they could have left the W***** at the beginning

 

[Marvo]

trust admin to obliterate the whole word, they could have left the W***** at the beginning

It wasn't Admin, the word filter is automatic.

Please avoid posting outright racist / sexist jokes I deleted the last one which was unsuitable for the public forums.

 

[specs]

It wasn't Admin, the word filter is automatic.

Please avoid posting outright racist / sexist jokes I deleted the last one which was unsuitable for the public forums.

Apologies

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THIS IS AN ACTUAL CUSTOMER REVIEW FROM A MAN ON AMAZON.CO.UK AFTER USING VEET HAIR REMOVAL CREAM FOR MEN. I ACTUALLY HAD TEARS ROLLING DOWN MY FACE WHILE READING IT!!!!!!!!!!!! SOOOO FUNNY!!!:

After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit if a treat.
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...Oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn’t have long to wait.
At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling not to bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen, by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, toe the lid off and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing returned. Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn’t managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and an tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me.
This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.
Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering “ooooohhh that feels good” Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn’t heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout fired against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn’t the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn’t improve my status…so to sum it up, VEET removes hair, dignity and self-respect

 

[stitch]

Apologies

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I ACTUALLY HAD TEARS ROLLING DOWN MY FACE WHILE READING IT!!!!!!!!!!!! SOOOO FUNNY!!!:

That's an understatement........

 

[ian.settle1]

Apologies

- - - Updated - - -

THIS IS AN ACTUAL CUSTOMER REVIEW FROM A MAN ON AMAZON.CO.UK AFTER USING VEET HAIR REMOVAL CREAM FOR MEN. I ACTUALLY HAD TEARS ROLLING DOWN MY FACE WHILE READING IT!!!!!!!!!!!! SOOOO FUNNY!!!:

Why are you SHOUTING

 

[specs]

Why are you SHOUTING

:earmuffs:

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Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation.

They get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to discover that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says: "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.."
They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from the University of Illinois School of Law, and I believe in the power of Justice to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."
They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde (you knew it), is strapped in and says: "Well, I'm from Ohio and just graduated from Ohio State University with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, y'all ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."