A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[specs]

Many people do not understand how they ran out of oil there in the United States.

The answer's quite simple - nobody bothered to check the oil. Didn't know they were falling short.

And most importantly, there is a geographical explanation to it. While all the oil is in Texas, Oklahoma, Louisiana, Arkansas, Colorado and Alaska, all the dipsticks are in Washington, D.C

 

[specs]

It was awful when someone caught me lying stomach down on the front of the bed masturbating.

It soon got me thrown out of my local Homebase.

 

[specs]

:angel_smile:

Don't want to know about your sexual orientation:censored::53:

Ian the above (post636 ) is also a joke:angel_smile:

 

[dan86]

I used to love going to Starbucks to look at some sexy milfs getting their ---- out.

But, apparently, 'that's not what the free Wifi is for'

 

[telectrix]

when a woman takes a baby into the baby changing room at tesco's, why do they all come back out with the same baby?

 

[specs]

A mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by her son's house after he was recently married. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house to see her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.

"What are you doing?" the mother-in-law asked.

"I am waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law replied.

"Why are you naked?" asked the mother-in-law.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law replied.

"Love dress? You are naked!" said the mother-in-law.

"But my husband loves it when I wear this dress. It makes him happy, and he makes me happy. I would appreciate your leaving now because my husband will be home any minute."

Soured by all of this romantic stuff, the mother-in-law left. On the way home, she thought about the "love dress" and got an idea. She undressed, showered, applied her best perfume, and waited by the door for her husband to come home.

Finally, the pickup truck pulled into the driveway, and she took her place by the door. The father-in-law opened the door and immediately saw his wife naked by the door.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," the mother-in-law replied.

"Maybe you should iron it first," he said

 

[specs]

So four high school friends have gone fishing together every year for the last two decades. That was until this year, when Jim had to inform the group he couldn't make it.

"Look, it's the wife. She's been saying I haven't been spending enough time with her."

Of course, the others were upset but told him they couldn't rearrange all the schedules to make it work out this year, so they stuck to the date.

The morning of trip, the guys are unloading on the dock when Jim comes running up with his stuff.

"What's the deal, Jim?" asked one of the fishermen.

"So I came home from work last night and I found my wife in the bedroom. She was laying down with a spool of rope, some duct tape and a ball-gag, and told me how she's been reading 50 Shades of Grey. She told me to tie her up and do anything I want. So, uhh, here I am!"

 

[specs]

So four high school friends have gone fishing together every year for the last two decades. That was until this year, when Jim had to inform the group he couldn't make it.

"Look, it's the wife. She's been saying I haven't been spending enough time with her."

Of course, the others were upset but told him they couldn't rearrange all the schedules to make it work out this year, so they stuck to the date.

The morning of trip, the guys are unloading on the dock when Jim comes running up with his stuff.

"What's the deal, Jim?" asked one of the fishermen.

"So I came home from work last night and I found my wife in the bedroom. She was laying down with a spool of rope, some duct tape and a ball-gag, and told me how she's been reading 50 Shades of Grey. She told me to tie her up and do anything I want. So, uhh, here I am!

 

[specs]

I got caught peeing in the local swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loudly, I nearly fell in

 

[specs]

two old woman meet for a coffee, one lady says to the other "did you come on the bus" other replies "yes, but i made it look like an asthma attack"

 

[specs]

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.

One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"

The other replies, "Oh sure I do."

The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"

The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

 

[specs]

Two women are hiking in the woods. After an hour or so, they come to a stream. Unable to cross, they decide to walk along
the stream and look for a narrower place. Fortunately they come to an old bridge spanning the stream.

Deciding the bridge safe, the two women proceed to cross. Halfway across, one woman stops and says to the other, "I`ve
always wanted to be like the guys, and urinate off a bridge."

The other woman looks around and says, "Well, I don`t see anyone around, now`s your chance!"

The first woman drops her hiking shorts and backs over to the side of the bridge. As she begins to urinate, she looks over her shoulder.

"Holy crap!" she exclaims, "I just peed in a canoe!"

Alarmed, the second woman hurries over and peeks at the stream.

"Calm down," she says. "That wasn`t a canoe you peed in, it was only your reflection."

 

[dan86]

My English teacher always used to tell me I was really thick.

And believe me, when she's straddling you in detention after school, that's quite a compliment for a 15 year old lad.

 

[steve50]

British humour​

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The human body has 7 trillion nerves.
My husband manages to get on every bloody one of them!
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Knock knock.

Who's there?

"Doorbell repair man"
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The teacher says, "OK class, I'd like you all to tell me what you need at home.

"Susie says, "We need a computer"
Wendy says, "We need a car"
Johnny says, "We don't need anything Miss"
Teacher says, "Come on Johnny, everyone needs something?"
"No Miss, my sister came home with her new Paki boyfriend and my Dad said
'That's all we bloody need!'"
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Essex girl in bed with her boyfriend says, "How dare you call me a slapper.
Get out of my bed right now and take your mates with you!"
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Just seen a Dyslexic Yorkshireman wearing a cat flap!
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I said to the wife, "Get me a newspaper"
"Don't be silly," she said "You can borrow my iPad"
That spider never knew what bloody hit it.
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The 200 Polish fans arrested after yesterday's game have been found guilty of
violent disorder and been deported back to England .
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A big row has broken out in the Irish Olympic Synchronised Diving Team
after Paddy accused Mick of copying him.
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English Stiff Upper Lip

On a train from London to Manchester , an Australian was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. Look at me... I'm ME! I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish blood, and some Aborigine blood. What do you say to that ?"

The Englishman replied, "Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap!"​

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[steve50]

A man and a woman who had never met before,
but who were both married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1 : 00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,...........'Ma'am,

I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?

I'm awfully cold'


'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight......let's pretend that we're married'

'Wow!......................That's a great idea!' he exclaimed..

'Good,' she replied................'Get your own ****ing blanket.'



After a moment of silence, .........................he farted.

The End