A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[steve50]

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie.
The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, 'Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?
The woman did not hesitate. She said, 'I want peace in the Middle East '.
See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony.

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, 'Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable.'

The woman thought for a minute and said, ' Well, I've never been able to find the right man.
You know - one that's considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful.
That is what I wish for...a good man.'

The genie let out a sigh, rolled his eyes and said, 'Let me see the f*cking map again.'

 

[Geordie Spark]

Have you ever seen Twenty Pounds all crumpled up?"...the woman
asked her husband.

"No"...said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons
of her blouse...and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by
a soft, silky push-up bra..and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Pound note.

He took the crumpled Twenty Pound note from her ...and smiled approvingly.

"Have you ever seen Fifty Pounds all crumpled up?"... she then asked her husband?

"Uh....no, I haven't" ...he said (with an anxious tone in his voice).

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and
seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out a
crumpled Fifty Pound note.

He took the crumpled Fifty Pound note... and started breathing a
little quicker with anticipation.

"Now" ...she said. "Have you ever seen £25,000 Pounds all crumpled up?"

"No way" ...he said (while obviously becoming even more aroused... and excited).

"Well go look in the garage!"...she said.

 

[specs]

A young boy asked his mother, "Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?"

"Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" replied his mother.

The young boy answered, "The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the
--- off his secretary."

 

[specs]

A couple is newly married and they love each other very much. Unfortunately, they get in a terrible car accident and although the man emerges from the wreckage unhurt, his wife is seriously injured and falls into a coma.

Devastated, the man waits by his wife's bedside 24 hours a day cleaning her and changing her diapers. Months pass and the woman's condition does not change. The man fears the worst.

One day after months of waiting, the man gets bored and feels up his wife's breast as it had been ages since he'd had any sexual contact. The wife suddenly arches her back and gives out a moan. Shocked and excited he rushes out the door to find a doctor.

The man explains what happened to the doctor and the doctor responds: "Sir, that's absolutely amazing. Perhaps it is sexual stimulation that will bring your wife out of the coma. Sir, I would like you to continue with this experiment. Please, have oral sex with your wife and see if she responds. I'll wait outside the room until you're done"

So the doctor steps out to give the couple some privacy. They wait for several minutes. Suddenly the man rushes from the room crying and is inconsolable. The doctor grabs the man and asks what happened?

The man looks at the doctor "Doctor my wife is dead. I had oral sex with her as you asked... and now she's gone." The doctor asks "But... how is that possible?" The man replies "She choked..."

 

[dan86]

"Did you know that making a girl laugh is the second best way to get a girl into bed?", I asked my date.

"Really", she asked. "What's the first?".

"A big knife!", I replied.

"Ha ha you're funny", she said.

"Well done, you've made a sensible choice"

 

[Kamikaze]

A man is in a hospital bed wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth. "Nurse" he mumbles "are my testicles black?" The nurse raises his gown, holds his weapon in one hand and his balls in the other. She takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them sir." The man pulls off the oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly: "Thanks for that. It was lovely but listen very very carefully ... Are-my-test-results-back?"

 

[dan86]

My wife came home from a girls night out last night a bit worse for wear, I was in the kitchen making a snack when she came in and dropped to her knees.

"I want to get dirty right now and you know what that means, don't you, sexy?"

I looked down at her and said:

"Honey, you're a bit ****ed to be wanting to clean the oven just now, leave it till the morning!"

 

[Kamikaze]

A man comes home from work and says to his wife, "I heard a rumour the other day that the milkman has slept with every woman in this road except one"
Looking very smug the wife replies "I'll bet it's that stuck up cow at number 54."

 

[dan86]

"Is it true you slept with my sister?" sobbed my wife.

"Yes" I replied.

"Was it a one time thing?" she asked.

"Yeah" I said, "every Thursday for the last year, always at 8."

 

[specs]

A guy walk into a bar cheerful and asks the bartender to get him a beer quickly.

The bartender asks the guy, "Why are you so happy and what's the occasion?"

The guy says, "I'm so excited because I just got my first blow job."

The bartender says, "In that case, let me give you another beer on the house."

The guy says, "No thanks, one beer is enough to get the taste out of my mouth."

 

[specs]

The Royal Navy is proud of its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers.





Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from Brussels , renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence. The next five ships are to be named HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.



Costing £850 million each, they meet the needs of the 21st century and comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws.





The new user-friendly crow's nest comes equipped with wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paint-balls to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims.


Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on duty 24hrs a day and each ship will have its on-board industrial tribunal.


The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and balanced in accordance with the latest Home Office directives on race, gender, sexuality and disability.


Sailors will only have to work a maximum of 37hrs per week in line with Brussels Health & Safety rules, even in wartime!


All the vessels will come equipped with a maternity ward and nursery, situated on the same deck as the Gay Disco.


Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but cannabis will be allowed in the wardroom and messes. The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation so out has gone the occasional rum ration which is to be replaced by sparkling water.


Saluting officers has been abolished because it is deemed elitist and is to be replaced by the more informal, "Hello Sailor". All information on notices boards will be printed in 37 different languages and Braille. Crew members will now no longer be required to ask permission to grow beards or moustaches and this applies equally to women crew members.

The MoD is working on a new "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign is considered to be offensive to minorities. The Union Flag had already been discarded.

The newly re-named HMS Cautious is due to be commissioned soon in a ceremony conducted by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull.


She will gently slide into the water as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People. Her first deployment will be to escort boat loads of illegal immigrants across the channel to ports on England 's south coast.

The Prime Minister said, "While these ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking, they are also capable of being up-graded to comply with any new legislation coming out of Brussels."

 

[specs]

A little boy attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down horse's legs, bum and chest.

After a few minutes, the boy asked, "Dad, why are you doing that..?"

His father replied, "Because when we are buying horses, we have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before we buy."

Boy, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think, the next door neighbour wants to buy Mom!"

 

[specs]

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you no matter who left you a fortune'

 

[specs]

Father O'Malley answers the phone.

'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'

'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will.

 

[specs]

An engineer dies and goes to heaven.

When he arrives St. Peter looks at the book and scratches his head. He says 'You were involved in some great civil engineering projects so I ought to let you into heaven but you were also involved in weapons programs that resulted in great loss of life' 'I am sorry but you will have to go to hell'.

Well, the engineer arrived in hell and found it very hot - so he installed air conditioning. He also found it dry - so he installed clean running water. He then thought it was a bit dark so he installed decent lighting. The devil was very pleased and rang St. Peter to gloat 'thanks for sending me that engineer, he has made hell a really nice place'.

Oh dear' said St. Peter (that was the nearest he got to swearing) 'if he can tame hell I must have made a mistake. Send him back up here.'

Naturally, the devil refused so St. Peter said 'if you don't I will sue you'.

The devil just laughed saying, "And where will you find a lawyer?