A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[Geordie Spark]

My missus asked me to help her stop sucking her thumb, so I drew a willy on it

Specs ......

It's late and you're too tired to be making jokes.

Go to bed.

 

[Spoon]

I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.

 

[Spoon]

Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary)

 

[specs]

A six-year-old goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her Grandpa. When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandpa's room. "Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "When Mummy comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said her Grandpa.

"Make a noise like a frog."

"Why?"

"Cus Mummy said as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney World!

 

[specs]

**** a duck!

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks..
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"
"At the circus," says the barman.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the barman.
"The circus?" the duck asks again. "That place with the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ..
"What the **** would they want with a plasterer?

 

[specs]

Specs ......

It's late and you're too tired to be making jokes.

Go to bed.

Geordie, I had just got up. Had a lot on today , had to shower and get dressed ( all by myself I might add ).

 

[Geordie Spark]

Geordie, I had just got up. Had a lot on today , had to shower and get dressed ( all by myself I might add ).

Ohhh ... you must be feeling all grown up now!!

You'll be stirring your own tea next!! mg_smile:

 

[Geordie Spark]

Geordie, I had just got up. Had a lot on today , had to shower and get dressed ( all by myself I might add ).

Just for you cos you've been working so hard for looooonnng hours!

Enjoy EARLY BUDDY HOLLY-MIDNIGHT SHIFT TAKE 11 - YouTube

 

[specs]

Ohhh ... you must be feeling all grown up now!!

You'll be stirring your own tea next!! mg_smile:

My first job title when I started work in my Dads business was 'Tea Stirrers Mate' , however being the keen go getter that I was, I was quickly promoted to 'Tea Maker in Chief', a position I held for some time. I was also in charge of the broom :smilewinkgrin:

 

[specs]

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting and he was reading the latest issue of Farmer's Weekly. He looked up from the page and said to her,
"Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"

She looked at him wistfully, smiled, and replied,
"Oh yes? Prove it."

He frowned for a moment, then said, "Okay."
He then got up and walked out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.

About a half an hour later, he returned all tired and sweaty and proclaimed,
"Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig was squealing, I couldn't be sure".

 

[specs]

A husband and wife are cooing over their new born baby.
"Look at the size of his todger," says the man. "It's massive!"
"Yes dear," says the woman. "But at least he's got your ears."

 

[specs]

Paramedics attend a nasty accident, involving a sports car,

When they see the driver, screaming in pain, they tell him to calm down, as at least he wasnt flung thro the windscrean like his girlfriend.

He screams back..

"Have you seen whats in her f**k**g mouth"??

 

[specs]

History of the Condom


I've always been a student of history but I didn't know this.


In 1272, the welsh invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.


In 1873, the English refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.





Don't thank me, I do this as a public service for the advancement of education

 

[specs]

There once was a man from St. Clair,
who was screwing his wife on the stair.
The banister broke,
so he quickened his stroke
and finished her off in mid-air

 

[telectrix]

there once was a man from kent
who's tool was exceedingly bent
to save himself trouble
he put it in double
and instead of coming, he went.