A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[specs]

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.

Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"


Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

 

[specs]

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=G4nX0Xrn-wo&sns=em worth the watch

 

[telectrix]

i looked closely at that video 7 times. i could not see the watch.

 

[specs]

http://img0.liveinternet.ru/images/attach/c/5/3970/3970473_sprite198.swf

 

[specs]

http://img0.liveinternet.ru/images/attach/c/5/3970/3970473_sprite198.swf This is to keep certain people entertained, and should keep them busy for hours

 

[specs]

i looked closely at that video 7 times. i could not see the watch.

Telectrix, Sorry mate I must have posted the brail version

 

[specs]

http://www.poodwaddle.com/worldclock.swfhttp://www.poodwaddle.com/worldclock.swf this should keep you entertained for at least 5 mins

 

[specs]

(I apologize up front for the Caps.. I just cut and pasted

)


AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES : THESE REALLY WORK!!


1. TO AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES:
GET SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES AS YOU CHOP.


2 TO AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT-
USE THE SINK


3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~
CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING
THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. [REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.]


4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL STOP GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.


5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES -
YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.


6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE OIL AND DUCT TAPE.
IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE OIL.
IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.


DAILY THOUGHT: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES -
NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING,
BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN YOU PUSH THEM
DOWN THE STAIRS.

 

[specs]

A guy walks into a bar and notices a sign on the wall behind the bartender that reads: "FREE BEER FOR LIFE.. just ask your bartender how." Not paying much attention the guy walks over to the bar and orders a drink. After a half hour or so of having a few beers to himself he decides he's going to ask the bartender how he can get free beer for life. He approaches the bartender and says, "Excuse me how can I get free beer for life?" The bartender says "Well it's a simple three step process:

1. You have to eat a whole jar of habanero peppers.
2. You have to go into that first room where there's an alligator with a sore tooth, and you have to pull it out without getting a scratch on you.
3. In that second room there's a woman who has never had an orgasm, and your back has to be covered in scratches to prove that you gave her one."

So the man orders a few shots to get himself ready. After about five shots he grabs the jar of peppers and eats the whole thing as fast as he can, juice and all. With his mouth practically burning he orders a few more shots, downs them, and goes into the first room. As soon as he closes the door all the rest of the bar can hear is loud thrashing and yelling sounds coming form the room. After three minutes the guy opens the door, and walks out all sweaty and bleeding. Catching his breath the guy looks at the bartender and says:

"Alright, now where's the bitch with the sore tooth?

 

[specs]

A former Sergeant, having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a high school school teacher, but just before the school year started, he injured his back.

He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.

The punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest.

There was dead silence.
(He had no trouble with discipline that year.)

 

[specs]

Apologies in advance Just walked past a dyslexic Yorkshire Man......


















He was wearing a Cat Flap. Sorry it was the Devil in me that made me post this

 

[specs]

"In retrospect, I admit it was unwise to try to gain access to my house via the cat flap," Gunther Burpus admitted to reporters in Bremen, Germany. "I suppose that the reason they're called cat flaps, rather than human flaps, is because they're too small for people, and perhaps I should have realized that."

Burpus, a forty-one year old gardener from Bremen, was relating how he had become trapped in his own front door for two days, after losing his house keys. "I got my head and shoulders through the flap, but became trapped fast around the waist. At first, it all seemed rather amusing. I sang songs and told myself jokes. But then I wanted to go to the lavatory. I began shouting for help, but my head was in the hallway so my screams were muffled.

After a few hours, a group of students approached me but, instead of helping, they removed my trousers and pants, painted my buttocks bright blue, and stuck a daffodil between my cheeks. Then they placed a sign next to me which said 'Germany resurgent, an essay in street art. Please give generously' and left me there."

"People were passing by and, when I asked for help, they just said 'very good! Very clever!' and threw coins into my trousers. No one tried to free me. In fact, I only got free after two days because a dog started licking my private parts and an old woman complained to the police. They came and cut me out, but arrested me as soon as I was freed. Luckily they've now dropped the charges, and I collected over DM3,000 in my underpants, so the time wasn't entirely wasted.

 

[dan86]

When it comes to sex, five times a week is ideal for me, not always with the same girl obviously.

You have to mix it up a bit or the wife gets suspicious.

 

[dan86]

I came home from work this evening and noticed my blonde wife had taken all the solar panels from the roof of our house and put them under her sun-bed. I said, "What the heck are you doing?"

She replied, "I've worked out how to keep them generating electricity during the night."

 

[dan86]

I saw a homeless man making a bed in the doorway of Argos.

"Two weeks ago I was where you are now", I told him.

"Sleeping rough?", he asked.

"No, buying a new TV"