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I saw a tramp lying on the pavement and said, "Would you like me to give you an air mattress?"

"Yes, please", he smiled.

"Here you go", I said, "and you can have this air guitar as well."
 
[ElectriciansForums.net] A new jokes thread for your amusement.
 
While in China, an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not
use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find
his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having
seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to
return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I've got bad
news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost
unheard of here in the US, we know very little about it.”

The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or
something and fix me up, Doc.”

The doctor answers, “I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have
to amputate your penis.”

The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!”

The doctor replies, “Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but
surgery is your only option.”

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know
more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD.
Vewy ware disease.”

The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can
we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!”

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid American docttah,
always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!”

“Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.

“Yes”, says the Chinese doctor. “Wait two week. Faw off by itself...!”
 
Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild, and naturally beautiful with bush land around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

The Geography of a Man

Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick
 
A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting all alone at a nearby table. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that, if she accepts it, she is his. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly brings it over to the woman, saying this is from the gentleman over there. She looks at the wine and sends a note over to the man. Her note reads: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in your pants."

The man, after reading her note, chuckles, and sends a note of his own back to her. His note reads: "Just so you know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850, and a Mercedes 600 SL, in my garage. I have over twenty five million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. Yours faithfully Specs xx
 
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from a male perspective.....

At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story.
At 78 - If you can get out of bed, that's another story.
 
An Oldie but still relevant.It's important to have a woman who

= helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

= who can make you laugh.

= you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

= is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

and it is vital these four women never meet.
 
I came home after a night out with work.

"You're early," my wife sneered. "I thought you'd be out all night flirting with that slag Tracy."

"Actually, she invited me back to her place, but I said there's no point going for a burger when I can have steak at home."

"Aww, you do love me really, don't you..."

"Shut up and cook me a steak."
 
two queers are at the fairground.

one says " i want to have a go on that big wheel before we go".

his boyfriend says " OK, but i'm not. i still feel sick from the big dipper".

so, the 1st queer goes up on the big wheel, and it goes round and round, but suddenly goes out of control and goes faster and faster, till it's a blur. eventually, centrifugal force wins and the queer comes flying off to land on the concrete. SPATT!. his friend rushes over and cries " are you hurt?" to which his boyfriend replies " of course i'm hurt. i went round 15 times and you never waved once".
 
I was having a pretty big dump last night and at the highest point of struggle to drop it out, my girlfriend accidentally turned off the light in the toilet.
Immediately I started to scream like crazy, she turned it back on and asked through the door "what's the matter, are you alright"?
With a huge relief, I replied: "Nothing, I'm fine, I just thought my eyes popped out".
 
One day, a wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Naturally, she was very upset.

You are a disrespectful pig! she cried. How dare you do this to me! Im a faithful wife, the mother of your children! Im leaving you. I want a divorce right away!

The husband replied, Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.

Go ahead, she sobbed, but theyll be the last words youll say to me!

So the husband began, Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadnt eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night. You know, the ones you wouldnt eat because youre afraid youll put on weight.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans... you know.. the ones you've had for a few years, but dont wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, you know... the ones you dont wear because I dont have good taste. Oh and I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas... you know... the one you dont wear just to annoy her. And I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique... you know... the ones you dont wear because someone at work has the same.

The husband took a quick breath and continued, She was so grateful for my help that as I walked her to the door, with tears in her eyes she asked

Do you have anything else that your wife doesnt use?
 
an old electrician dies and is buried in the cemetery with his wife who died some years earlier,the headstone is a bit wobbly so after the burial a gravedigger ties a rope from it to a tree to support it.The following week 2 of his mates are walking through the cemetery when one spots the line from the headstone,blimey fred,s quick isn, t he ,only been down there a week and already got a phone in.
 

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