Quote Me!

[knasher]

what do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can't understand

 

[RogertheBodger]

BELIEVE it or not, these are REAL 911 Calls!

So I'm calling them Quotes OK.

Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on
the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and
cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher : Excuse me?
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table
and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of
it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of
it!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an
eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes
apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is..........

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath.
Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble
breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

 

[Kamikaze]

Next time, hex time. From thy time to my time. Salmay, Dalmay, Adomay! - Catweazle

 

[Kamikaze]

I am glad that I paid so little attention to good advice; had I abided by it I might have been saved from some of my most valuable mistakes.

 

[telectrix]

women don't fart as much as men because they can't keep their gobs shut for long enough to build up the necessary pressure.

 

[Kamikaze]

Lmao Tel

 

[RogertheBodger]

women don't fart as much as men because they can't keep their gobs shut for long enough to build up the necessary pressure.

Not one of the Classic quotes, but I think we can admire the Author.

 

[telectrix]

I don't drink water because fish f**k in it. W.C.Fields.

 

[Des 56]

I had a frog in my throat when I read this one

What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth ?


Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad."

 

[Kamikaze]

Happiness resides not in possessions, and not in gold, happiness dwells in the soul. - Democritus

 

[RogertheBodger]

I had a frog in my throat when I read this one

What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth ?


Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad."

Yep, you won't need to be worrying about how much time you can spend in the shower Des,

 

[Kamikaze]

By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be a boss and work twelve hours a day.

 

[Kamikaze]

Back in the 60’s I turned on, tuned in and dropped out. Now I tune in, turn over and drop off. What's that all about?

 

[Kamikaze]

By the time you learned the rules of life, you're too old to play the game.

 

[MarkieSparkie]

"War is God's way of teaching Americans geography." Ambrose Bierce