A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[Silly Sausage]

I'd play a Theremin, if I could get my hands on one.

 

[dan86]

something slightly electrically oriented-

Some bloke just came into my shop and said, "Why's your exit sign flickering on and off?"

I said, "It's on the way out."

 

[telectrix]

4 blokes in a pub. englishman, welshman, scotsman, and an irishman. they get talking and the conversation gets round to their names. the english guy says:

"well, i was born on st. georges day, so my parents named me george.what about you, jock?"

"well", says the scot, " i was born on st. andrews day, so my parents named me andrew. what about you, taff?"

" i was born on st.davids day, so my name is david. whats your name, paddy?" he says to the irishman.

"pancake" says the irishman.

 

[zap]

I walked into a pub the other day and tripped over the barman and barmaid 'at it' on the floor.
Choice, I thought and went round the other bar where I tripped over the landlord and landlady engaged in a similar activity. Choice, I thought and decided to leave. I left the pub and tripped over a couple of dogs, at it! So I walked back in the pub to let them know their sign had fallen down.

 

[dan86]

"Oh God, I think I'm going to explode any second!" I told my girlfriend.

"On my ----" she whispered, "do it on my t!ts"

"Really? You sure?"

"Yes! Quickly!! For me"

"Oh ok then........it's cominnnnng......."


Anyway, the moral of the story is - if you've got diarrhoea, it's best to be specific!

 

[marcusone]

My dad worked on the roadworks for years before he got fired for stealing.

At first I didn't believe it.........but when I got home all the signs were there.

 

[dan86]

"I got fired today", I told my mate, "for downloading ---- on the work computer and causing everything to crash."

"That's a bit harsh" he replied.

"They don't fack around at Air Traffic Control", I said.

 

[dan86]

The people on Jeremy Kyle should be able to pay for their own DNA tests with the money they get from the tooth fairy.

 

[dan86]

I was watching a guy fishing this morning and I said to him, "There's no way you'd catch me doing that."

"Why not?" He asked.

"Well for starters you'd need a much bigger hook."

 

[dan86]

Lesbian seeks similar for relationship.
must like fish fingers and eating out

 

[Des 56]

To continue the examination, the doctor told the woman with a vagina complaint he would be numbing the area
Ok said the woman
The doctor got on his knees and numb numb numb numb

 

[steve50]

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

 

[steve50]

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.


I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.


I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.













Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.













The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

















A Catholic boy in confession says, “Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister.” “That's a disgrace,” said the priest, “especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.”




















I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

 

[johnluke]

Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop.
The cop says "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg says "No, but I know where I am."

 

[sparkymalarky]

Before marriage a man yearns for his woman

After marriage the 'Y' becomes silent.