A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[MDJ]

This guy has a deep voice haha

 

[markc123]

MDJ, its funny actually - because thats how i picture you too look exactly :38:

 

[MDJ]

LMAO, thanks buddy, I doubt the wife would appreciate that comment Like I do haha

 

[trev]

Mike, can you guess what my new desktop pic is?
Mrs Trev is horrified

 

[MDJ]

This is my desk top Trev

 

[MDJ]

No idea why it won't show the full picture trev, but you can imagine anyhow haha.

 

[MDJ]

another for a laugh Trev

 

[MarkieSparkie]

If men gave chilbirth advice?


Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, when he/she goes off to university.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called a light breeze!

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour?
A: Not unless the word "divorce" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's nappy quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in full paid work and have moved out.

 

[MarkieSparkie]

[FONT=&amp]An Italian walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to Italy on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Italian hands over the keys to a new Ferrari.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. The Italian produces the vehicle documents and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Italian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Italian returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The Italian replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"[/FONT]

 

[MarkieSparkie]

MY AUNTIE'S HOLIDAY DIARY: DAY 1
All packed for the cruise ship -- all my sexiest dresses and make-up.
Really excited.

DIARY: DAY 2
Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.

DIARY: DAY 3
At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honoured and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.

DIARY DAY 4
Won £800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a luxurious meal complete with caviare and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

DIARY: DAY 5
Pool again today, got sun burnt, and went inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me if I did not let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was shocked.

DIARY: DAY 6
Today I saved 1600 lives.
Twice!

 

[MarkieSparkie]

Valentine Dream

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed you gave me a diamond necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight darling." he said.
That evening the husband came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it... to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

 

[Silly Sausage]

Valentine Dream

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed you gave me a diamond necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means?"

Then she noticed she was wearing a Pearl Necklace!
​

 

[dan86]

Caught the Wife Masturbating during a Rowan Atkinson Movie earlier.

She loves a good Bean Flick.

 

[Brightspark2]

Teacher asks william to spell pope.

William says "Theres no pope".

Teacher says "Just spell pope".

So william says "pofpe".

Teacher says "Theres no f in pope".

William says "I ****ing told u that"

 

[steve50]

Female Medical


During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says:- "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor.

"No! No! Don't remove your clothes... Just stick out your tongue!"