A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[Mick Dargan]

Saw an advert for an Accountant in the local paper this morning.

£35,000 - £40,000

I phoned them up and said it was -£5,000

 

[PEM]

Wife stood naked in front of the mirror last night and said she needed a boob job for bigger breasts.

I replied no dear they're fine

She said no I need bigger ones

Board at this point for her interrupting my reading of the big green book I jumped up went to the bathroom ripped off some toilet paper and handed it to her

She said what's this for

I replied rub it on your breasts and they'll get bigger

She said what rubbish

I said trust me they will after all the same things worked on your ar@e

 

[PEM]

What looks good on a sex offender?

A tumour

 

[steve50]

party time

 

[grantr37]

seen an advert for a "Dumber" truck driver on the JC website today :stuart:

 

[Geordie Spark]

There was a young woman from Mace,
Who's corsets were too tight to lace,
Her mother said "Nelly, there's more in your belly.....
Than ever went in throught your face."

 

[Brightspark2]

Sad news...my mate died at a chocolate factory today after lots of boxes fell on him and no one went to help.

He tried in vain to save himself but when he shouted 'the milky bars are on me!'...everyone just cheered.

 

[Brightspark2]

Gary Nevilles father Neville Neville has been arrested on sexual assault charges. If he carries on like that he is going to get himself a bad name.

 

[dan86]

.

 

[dan86]

Me and my girlfriend split up because we were in different places in our relationship.

I was at her sister's.
-----------------------------------------------------

I'm just about to perform my first ever acting role on TV and I'm a bit nervous.

I just hope I can convince the press and media I had nothing to do with my wife's disappearance.
-----------------------------------------------------

Bill Gates is offering $1 million to whoever designs the "next generation" condom.

With Windows track record of keeping out viruses, i'm staying well away.

 

[dan86]

what happened before the big bang?

muslims boarded the bus...

 

[dan86]

Seeing a lot of posts on Facebook and Twitter about dogs being stolen.

Are the Koreans stockpiling food before they go to war?

 

[Toonlad]

too old of a dog to be ****3d by a pup

 

[guest119]

The wife caught me shaggin my blow up doll.
I thought she would go nuts, divorce etc. but all she did was blow it up a bit so it was bigger than her.

 

[guest119]

I loved my days at school.
Smoking behind the bikesheds, fingering the girls, loved that janitor job.