A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[zap]

A husband caught with his trousers down by his wife. An almighty row ensued resulting in the wife demanding a split up. He packed his bags and was leaving when, as he opened the door, she said, "I hope you have a long slow painful death". To which he replied, "Changed your mind then!"

 

[dan86]

Iphone 6 plus for £789
airplane mode better take me on holiday.

 

[Besoeker]

A drunk is staggering down the street and comes across a disconsolate guy with his head stuck under the bonnet of his car.
"What's the problem, mate?"
"Piston broke."
"So am I," replied the drunk.

 

[tazz]

Every night I do the following before I go to bed:

1. Put the cat out
2. Turn off the TV
3. Close the windows
4. Close the curtains
5. Lock the front door
6. SHOOT WHOEVER IS IN MY BATHROOM 5 TIMES WITH A GUN
7. Go to sleep

Oscar Pistorius has nothing to worry about !!

 

[dingledong]

Tazz not nitpicking but 3 and 4 should be the other way around unless your a gynacologist

 

[tazz]

Is that better...lol

 

[dingledong]

Thanks now I get the joke

 

[specs]

Toward the end of the golf course, Dave somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.

Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden . . . POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?

Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life; better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life ... as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"

THEN POOF! ... she was gone. After Dave got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend Fred. "Fred, where are you?"

Fred yells back, "I'm over here, in the pussywillows."

Dave yells back......

"DON'T SWING FRED!!! For God's sake, DON'T SWING!!"

 

[Besoeker]

Every night I do the following before I go to bed:

1. Put the cat out
2. Turn off the TV
3. Close the windows
4. Close the curtains
5. Lock the front door
6. SHOOT WHOEVER IS IN MY BATHROOM 5 TIMES WITH A GUN
7. Go to sleep

Oscar Pistorius has nothing to worry about !!

Doesn't have a leg to stand on.........

 

[tazz]

Just incase the missus gets up in the middle of the night

 

[dan86]

Bunny?

I thought they came out of a wizard's hat, not a wizard's sleeve.

 

[ian.settle1]

Bunny?

I thought they came out of a wizard's hat, not a wizard's sleeve.

WTF are you on about?

 

[Carlosfandango]

WTF are you on about?

I thought it was just me!!

 

[Pete999]

I get it but I'm not saying anything

 

[shanky887614]

I get it but I'm not saying anything

that the one about a girl?