A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[specs]

There's a new magazine for gay military members.

It's mainly just photos of Privates

 

[specs]

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The wife shivered in front of the camera, after having had a bucket of iced water poured over her head.

"That was awesome," I laughed. "But you didn't nominate anyone."

"Because I was fuccing sleeping, you kunt!" she yelled

 

[Barry White]

Facts of life a true but amusing story!
when I was about 15 my dad said it was about time he told me about the facts of life (my heart dropped being already sexually active lol)
He took me into the front room and said " now listen if its got ---- or an engine leave it alone it will be now't but trouble"

did I listen?

 

[trev]

When our son was about 14 the Mrs said it was about time that I did the whole sex talk thing with him. She was right, I learnt a lot that day

 

[Besoeker]

How come, when a couple get divorced, the bloke has to pay his ex-wife a share
of his future earnings but the woman doesn't have to do the bloke's future housework?

Marriage is grand.
Divorce is a hundred grand.

 

[jaypp]

How come, when a couple get divorced, the bloke has to pay his ex-wife a share
of his future earnings but the woman doesn't have to do the bloke's future housework?

She does, it's just he's not living there anymore!!:bigcry:

 

[specs]

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband’s libido.
‘What about trying ------?’, asked the doctor.
“Not a chance,” she said. “He won’t even take an aspirin.”
“Not a problem,” replied the doctor. “Give him an ‘Irish ------. It’s when you drop the ------ tablet into his coffee. He won’t even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.”
It wasn’t a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, “Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T’was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!”
“Really? What happened?” asked the doctor.
“Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee, and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters, and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!”
“Why so terrible?” asked the doctor. “Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn’t good?”
“Twas the best sex I’ve had in 25 years! But sure as I’m sittin’ here, I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!”

 

[specs]

A family was having dinner on Mother's Day. For some reason the mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband asked what was wrong.

"Nothing," said the woman.

Not buying it, he asked again. "Seriously, what's wrong?"

"Do you really want to know? Well, I'll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother's Day, you don't even tell me so much as "Thank you."

"Why should I?" he said. "Not once in 15 years have I gotten a Father's Day gift."

"Yes," she said, "but I'm their real mother."

 

[specs]

A man is fishing and he catches a crocodile. The crocodile tells him, "Please let me go! I'll grant you any wish you desire." The man says, "Okay, I wish my penis could touch the ground." The crocodile then bites his legs off.

 

[specs]

Got stopped in the street outside Boots today by a woman with a clipboard asking "What products do I use for grooming?" She was a bit taken aback when I
replied, "Facebook".

 

[dan86]

Manchester United are fast becoming the Katie Price of English football.

They keep needlessly spending a fortune to boost what they've got up front and invariably get shafted at the back.

 

[specs]

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with queenly large breasts.

Nick the Dragon Slayer was obsessed over the Queen for this reason.
He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.
Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the kingdom, only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed by both the King and Queen as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear.
The King immediately summoned Nick.
The moral of this story is; Pay your bloody bills!

 

[specs]

Grandpa, what Is couple sex?
Make sure that you understand the question first....
All you Grandpas and Grandmas, this was too funny not to forward.
We are all reaching that stage where we need to keep the wax out of our ears and keep the hearing aids tuned up.
An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him,
"Grandpa, what is a couple sex?
The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old
enough to know to ask the question then she's old enough to get a straight answer.
Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction
and the joys and responsibilities that go along with it.
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing the look on her face the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?
The little girl replied, "Well, Grandma says to tell you that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.

 

[steve50]

According to the Bible Jesus was born in Bethlehem in Palestine.
A country where people are called Mohammed, Abdul, Mounir, Aziz, Ahmed, Farid, Omar, Youssouf, Mouloud, etc
And he managed to find 12 friends called John, Peter, Paul, Phillip, Mark, Thomas, Luke, Mathew, Andrew and Simon


..... who all drank wine



That's what I call a bloody miracle

 

[shanky887614]

According to the Bible Jesus was born in Bethlehem in Palestine.
A country where people are called Mohammed, Abdul, Mounir, Aziz, Ahmed, Farid, Omar, Youssouf, Mouloud, etc
And he managed to find 12 friends called John, Peter, Paul, Phillip, Mark, Thomas, Luke, Mathew, Andrew and Simon


..... who all drank wine



That's what I call a bloody miracle

i lol at all these bible bashers.

its contents have been changed that many times over the years no one knows what it used to say without translating from hebrew (i think that one)