A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[steve50]

A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a taxi.
It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings.

"Mum," said the boy, "What are all those women doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work", she replied.

The taxi driver turns round and says,
"Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes got wide and he said, "Is that true, Mum?"

His mother, glaring hard at the taxi driver, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asked, "Mum, what happens to their babies?"

"Most of them become taxi drivers", she said

 

[steve50]

Son said to dad “I'm gay.”
Dad looks at his other son and said “What about you?”
Other son said “Me too dad.”
Dad said “doesn't anyone in this family like -----?”
The daughter said “I do…”

​

10 Catholic Priests were killed in a road accident.
At the Pearly Gates St Peter says “If any of you are paedophiles you can p*** off down to Hell.”
Nine of them start to walk away when St Peter calls out “and take this deaf *b***ard with you.”

​

In the pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath. Answer; throw in your washing.
We were all having a good laugh about this, when this big b***ard tapped me on the shoulder and said “I don’t find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits.”
I said “Sorry mate, did he drown?”
“No,” he said, “he choked on a sock.”

​

My mate reckons he always cries after sex. Mind you, he is in prison.

​

The wife came out of the bathroom and said “I have just shaved my fanny and you know what that means don't you?”
I said “Yeah, the bloody plug hole is blocked again.”

​

Nearly shagged a Ladyboy last night.
Picked him up in a night club. He Looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman. Even kissed like a woman, but as we arrived back at his apartment he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement! That's when I thought “Hang on just a minute…”

​

I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.
I shouted “Where you off to Charlie?”
He said, “I'm off to change a light bulb.”
Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing, then said,
“That's gonna be a bit awkward init?”
“Not really.” he said. “I still have the receipt, you insensitive b****ard.”

 

[steve50]

The Dying Priest

​

In a London Nursing home an old priest lay dying.

For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation’s capital.
He motioned for his nurse to come near.Yes, Father? said the nurse.
I would really like to see David Cameron and Nick Clegg before I die?,whispered the priest.
I’ll see what I can do, Father, replied the nurse.
The nurse sent the request to No 10 and waited for a response.
Soon the word arrived; David and Nick would be delighted to visit the priest.
As they went to the hospital, David commented to Nick,I don’t know why the old priest wants to see us, but it certainly will help ourimages.
Nick agreed that it was the right thing to do at this time.
When they arrived at the priest’s room,the priest took David’s hand in his right hand and the Nicks hand in hisleft.There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest’s face.
The oldpriest slowly said:I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour,Jesus Christ.
Amen, said David
Amen, said Nick
The old priest continued,Jesus died between two lying thieving b**ards; and I would like to do thesame....




























​

​

 

[steve50]

[video=youtube;J9PhsTdiTe8]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J9PhsTdiTe8[/video]

 

[specs]

Arizona is the only state in the United States that does not recognize daylight saving.
Saskatchewan is the only Canadian province that does not have it either.
Probably because of "The Old Indian."
Thank You, Old Indian

 

[trev]

Former star trek actor William Shatner has scrapped plans to launch a range of womens underwear. The marketing experts told him Shatner Knickers was a dreadful name

 

[telectrix]

don't think TJ Hooker knickers would sell well either.

 

[specs]

GRANDPARENTS' ANSWERING MACHINE


Good morning . . . At present we are not at home, but please leave your message after you hear the beep.
beeeeeppp ....
If you are one of our children,
dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5
in order of "birth arrival" so we know who it is.

If you need us to stay with the children, press 2
If you want to borrow the car, press 3
If you want us to wash your clothes and do ironing, press 4
If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5
If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6
If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 7
If you want to come to eat here, press 8
If you need money, press 9
If you are going to invite us to dinner or take us to the theatre , start talking .... we are listening !!!!!!!!!!!"

WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?
(Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)

Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people's.

A grandfather is a man, & a grandmother is a lady!

Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them … They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars..

They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'

They don't say, 'Hurry up.'

Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandparents don't have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'

When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.

They know we should have a snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.

GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS, BUT I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS HIM!

It's funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog

 

[specs]

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad calls President Obama and tells him,
"Barack, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America, the
whole beautiful country, and on each house I saw a banner."

"What did it say on the banners?" Obama asks.

Mahmoud replies,
"UNITED STATES OF IRAN."

Obama replied,
"You know, Mahmoud, I am really happy you called, because believe it
or not, last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Tehran,
and it was more beautiful than ever, and on each house flew an
enormous banner."

"What did it say on the banners?" Mahmoud asked.

Obama replied,
"I don't know. I can't read Hebrew​

 

[steve50]

http://www.dickerations.com/thecowboy.pdf

http://www.dickerations.com/robeandcrownfinal.pdf


DUREX DICKORATIONS


have fun

 

[specs]

These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!

(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures..


Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

 

[Earthstore]

An Eagle flying in the sky, looks down and sees a Dove, he thinks she looks like a gorgeous so he flies down, does the business then flies off and the Dove say's
I am a little Dove and I had a little love and I liked it.

A little later the Eagle was up in the sky again looks down and sees a Blue ---, wow what a great looker she is, so he flies down, tends to her needs then flies off and the Blue --- say's
I am a little --- and I had a little bit and I liked it.

Again up in the sky he looks down and sees a Duck, so he flies down for some more hide the sausage,then flies off and the Duck say's
I am a little Drake and he made a big mistake........... But I liked it.

 

[specs]

A man walks into an emergency room with two black eyes and a broken nose.

The doctor asks him what happened.

"Well," says the man, "I was having a nice round of golf with my wife. She sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around, I noticed that one of the cows had something protruding from its rear end. Sure enough, when it lifted its tail, there was my wife's golf ball."

"And?" asked the doctor.

"Well," the man said, "that's when I lifted the cow's tail, pointed, and yelled to the missus, 'Hey, honey - this one here looks like yours!'"

 

[specs]

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband...... for example......

A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom.

Did you say hello?

 

[specs]

I was in The Coffee Club recently when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart.

The music was really loud so I timed my fart with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs I started to feel better.

I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me

And suddenly I remembered I was listening to my iPod




That's what happens when old people start using technology