A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[specs]

After a few pints down at the local, talk got round to who had the most expensive watch. I showed mine first.

"That's a Rolex Oyster, worth two and a half grand," I grinned.

My mate John smiled and proudly pointed to his wrist.

"This is a white gold Patek Phillipe. I paid the best part of twenty grand for it."

Dave rolled up his sleeve to show his watch.

"What do you think of that then? It cost me What do you think of that then? It cost me £200,000."

Me and John stared a while then I said, "Dave, Thats a Casio."

"I know," he sighed. "My ex-wife bought it for me then found it in her sister's bed."

 

[specs]

Pusher Christmas 2012 Try this if you want a white Christmas in your street

 

[specs]

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a baldhead and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

 

[trev]

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a baldhead and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

You've obviously never been to certain areas of South Shields mate.

 

[ian.settle1]

You've obviously never been to certain areas of South Shields mate.

And their the good looking ones.

 

[guest119]

My Nan said all she ever got for Crimbo was an apple and an orange!
I wouldnt call that hardship, would you, a laptop and a mobile phone?

 

[norcal]

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[TD="class: alt1"]Next time you have a bad day at work, think of this guy. Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.


Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio
station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a
worst
job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue,

Just
another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the
office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would
share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.


Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a
few technicalities of my job. As you know, my "office" lies at the
bottom of
the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the
water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel
powered industrial water heater.

This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks
the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps
it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now
this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no
complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the
hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with
warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well
until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch.

So, of course, I
scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started
to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I
realized what had happened.

The hot water machine had sucked up a
jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.

Now, since I don't have any hair
on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt
was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was
actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.

I informed
the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were
unclear due to the fact that he, along with five
other divers, were all
laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive.

I was
instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling
thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry
decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass
helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running

down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as
soon as I got in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't
poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.

So, next time you're
having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a
jellyfish shoved up your butt.

Now repeat to yourself,

"I love
my job, I love my job, I love my job."
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[steve50]

Old Golfer and Blonde



A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.

One is a retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, “I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion.

He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history.

“Here's your equipment --chair, whip and a gun.

“Who wants to try out first?”

The girl says, “I'll go first."

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.

The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her.

About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles.

He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. “I've never seen a display like that in my life.”

He turns to the retired golfer and asks, “Can you top that?”

The old golfer says, “No problem, just get that lion out of there.”

 

[steve50]

Old Golfer and Blonde



A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.

One is a retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, “I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion.

He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history.

“Here's your equipment --chair, whip and a gun.

“Who wants to try out first?”

The girl says, “I'll go first."

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.

The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her.

About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles.

He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. “I've never seen a display like that in my life.”

He turns to the retired golfer and asks, “Can you top that?”

The old golfer says, “No problem, just get that lion out of there.”

 

[specs]

50 Shades of Grey - BY PAM AYRES

(a husband's point of view)



The missus bought a Paperback,

Down Shepton Mallet way,

I had a look inside her bag;

... T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".

Well I just left her to it and at ten I went to bed.

An hour later she appeared;

The sight filled me with dread...

In her left she held a rope;

And in her right a whip!

She threw them down upon the floor,

And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;

I might have had a peek;

But Mabel hasn't weathered well;

She's eighty four next week!!

Watching Mabel bump and grind;

Could not have been much grimmer.

And things then went from bad to worse;

She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled back upon her feet;

A couple minutes later;

She put her teeth back in and said

I am a dominator!!

Now if you knew our Mabel,

You'd see just why I spluttered,

I'd spent two months in traction

For the last complaint I'd uttered.

She stood there nude and naked

Bent forward just a bit

I went to hold her, sensual like

And stood on her left ---!

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;

My God what had I done!?

She moaned and groaned then shouted out:

"Step on the other one"!!

Well readers, I can tell no more;

Of what occurred that day.

Suffice to say my jet black hair,

Turned fifty shades of grey.

 

[Slowhand]

How many cockroaches does it take to change a light bulb?
Nobody knows because as soon as you turn the light on they all run away.

 

[telectrix]

i can perform miracles..................................

i can turn wine into water..................................


................................................piece of pi$$.

 

[ian.settle1]

Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out, fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc, but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true.

"No" said Billy, "He plays football for Newcastle but I was just too embarrassed to say....."

 

[ian.settle1]

Story that was reportedly told in a church...



The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to
express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I
have a praise point. Two months ago, my husband, Dave, had a terrible
motorcycle accident and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain
was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Dave must have experienced.

"Dave was unable to hold me or the children," she went on,
"and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors
performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to
piece together the crushed remnants of Dave's scrotum, and wrap wire around
it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed
uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Dave.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord,
Dave is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his
scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had
something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Dave." The entire congregation held its
breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

 

[trev]

Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out, fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc, but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true.

"No" said Billy, "He plays football for Newcastle but I was just too embarrassed to say....."

30 seconds after I read that, the mackems scored so appropriate really