A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[specs]

12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on TV and Radio


1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator –
'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator –
'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator –
'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria .. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 –
'Ah, isn't that nice.. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew..'

5. US PGA Commentator –
'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ........
Oh my god !! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said:
'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked,
'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'

 

[specs]

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of
furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he
could find.

After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and
selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To
celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and
have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the
small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table
was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table;
asked him something in French (which Murphy couldn't understand); so
he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried
to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After
a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a
napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She
nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another
napkin and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded..
They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small
group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took
another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and
they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band
was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture
of a four-poster bed.

To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the
furniture business

 

[Barry White]

Wife says to me "I will put the Christmas tree up myself then"

I replied "put it where you like you kinky bitch"

 

[steve50]

The Will



Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.
He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he

begins to speak:

My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses." My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."
My son, "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre." "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential

buildings on the banks of the river."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says,

"Mrs.Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".

Sarah replies, "Property ? .... the ------- had a paper round.

 

[steve50]

THE LEGAL SYSTEM!!

​

​

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in Greece; but the custody of their children posed a problem.​

​

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.​

​

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.​

​

After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied:​

​

"Your Honour, when I put a coin into a vending machine, and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine?"​

​

​

DON'T LAUGH...... HE WON!!
​

 

[specs]

A painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.

Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Doolin in County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.

One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude.

This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, and she was willing to pay up to £10,000.

Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife.

In a few minutes he returned. "T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said "The wife says it's okay.

"I'll paint you in the nude all right, but I have to at least leave me socks on so I have a place to wipe me brushes."....................

 

[specs]

http://i14.photobucket.com/albums/a...10152291273839889_979055287_n_zps1b1b4333.jpg

 

[specs]

Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter look ed at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The Paddy replied, 'These are Carols.

 

[telectrix]

a contradiction of terms....... " American Intelligence"

 

[Besoeker]

Viewer discretion advised....

[video=youtube;73CovZEs0IM]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=73CovZEs0IM[/video]

 

[norcal]

The Husband Store A Husband Shopping Center has opened where a woman can go to choose a husband from among many men. It is laid out in five floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper flights. There is, however, a catch. As you arrive on any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down, except to exit the building. So, a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband On the first floor the sign says: Floor 1: These men have jobs and love kids. The woman reads the sign. "Well that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes. The second floor sign says: Floor 2: These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking. "Hmmm, better." says the woman. "But, I wonder ! what's further up?" The third floor sign reads: Floor 3: These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, and help with the housework. "Wow," says the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be better further up!" And, again, she goes up. On the fourth floor the sign reads: Floor 4: These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak. "Oh, mercy me! But just think...what must be awaiting me further on? So up to the fifth floor she goes. The sign on that door says: Floor 5: This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping and have a nice day.

None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The charge nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms, and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind! After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!" She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After a half hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Not with a carnation."

 

[specs]

Irish Historians have found what they believe to be the headstone of the oldest man to have lived. He was 193 and was named Miles from Dublin.

 

[specs]

My boss told me that there is no such thing as problems, only opportunities.

I said, "That's great. Well I have a serious drinking opportunity."

 

[specs]

Tomorrow, I'm going to open up the time capsule I made when I was a kid.

I can't wait to see how big my puppy is

 

[specs]

How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb: 12.

One to screw it in,
one to excoriate men for creating the need for illumination,
one to blame men for inventing such a faulty means of illumination,
one to suggest the whole "screwing" bit to be too "rape-like",
one to deconstruct the light bulb itself as being phallic,
one to blame men for not changing the bulb,
one to blame men for trying to change the bulb instead of letting a woman do it,
one to blame men for creating a society that discourages women from changing light bulbs,
one to blame men for creating a society where women change too many light bulbs,
one to advocate that light bulb changers should have wage parity with electricians,
one to alert the media that women are now "out-lightbulbing" men,
one to just sit there taking pictures for her blog for photo-evidence that men are unnecessary