A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[telectrix]

Because there are no mosques in Venice,
The Italian Government has allowed Muslims to pray in the streets.

So far 543 have drowned.


GOD BLESS THE ITALIANS!​

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[shanky887614]

http://m.tickld.com/x/actual-exchanges-between-pilots-and-control-towers

 

[Guest77]

Nutella prank [Vine] - YouTube

 

[ian.settle1]

A man goes into an elevator, looks around and notices that he is alone except for this great, big, huge black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7' tall, 350 lbs., 20" penis, testicles - 3 lbs each, Turner Brown."

The little man faints dead away and falls to the floor The big guy kneels down and brings him back by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks, "Are you OK?"

In a weak voice, the little man says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?

The big guy says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7' tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 20" penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each,and my name is Turner Brown."

The little man said, "Oh thank God! I thought you said TURN AROUND!"

 

[specs]

Nutella prank [Vine] - YouTube

Good one, shame it didn't show the bit when the guy broke down the toilet door.

 

[Guest77]

One night a little girl walks in on her parents having sex. The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops. “What are you doing, Mommy?” The mother too embarassed to tell her little girl about sex so she makes up an answer. “Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.” The little girl replies, “Well, mommy you really shouldn’t bother with that.” The mother has a confused look on her face, “Why do you say that sweetheart?” The little girl replies, “Because mommy, everytime you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up.”

 

[specs]

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM

I would have given him 100% for his wit!!!



Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?* his last battle



Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?* at the bottom of the page



Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?* liquid



Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?* marriage



Q5. What is the main reason for failure?* exams



Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?* Lunch & dinner



Q7. What looks like half an apple?* The other half



Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?* It will simply become wet



Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?* No problem, he sleeps at night.



Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..



Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?* Very large hands



Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?* No time at all, the wall is already built.



Q13. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?* Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

 

[specs]

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM

I would have given him 100% for his wit!!!



Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?* his last battle



Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?* at the bottom of the page



Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?* liquid



Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?* marriage



Q5. What is the main reason for failure?* exams



Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?* Lunch & dinner



Q7. What looks like half an apple?* The other half



Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?* It will simply become wet



Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?* No problem, he sleeps at night.



Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..



Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?* Very large hands



Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?* No time at all, the wall is already built.



Q13. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?* Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.





STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM
I'm sure ive posted this before, but what the hell, it doesnt count in my 'post count' so it doesnt count

 

[specs]

In Australia, the curbside garbage carts are called "wheelie bins."
A garbage collector is driving along a Sydney street picking up the

wheelie bins and emptying them into his rubbish truck.
He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out.

In the spirit of kindness and after having a quick look about

for the bin, he gets out of his truck, goes to the front door and knocks.
There's no answer.
Being a conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.

Eventually, a Japanese man comes to the door.
"Harro!" says the Japanese man.
"G'day mate, where's ya' bin?" asks the collector.
"I bin on toilet," explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.
Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.
"No mate, where's ya' dust bin?"
"I dust been to toilet, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man, still perplexed.
"Listen," says the garbage collector. "You're misunderstanding me. I mean,
where's ya' wheelie bin?'"
"OK, OK. " replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers in the
collector's ear. "I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!!!"

 

[specs]

Scientists have revealed today that they have found a new
drug for depressed lesbians.. It's called Trydixagain.

 

[specs]

Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lotto!
I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls

 

[telectrix]

school photo i bradford

no comment

 

[specs]

Home milk deliveries still happen in some areas we have been told, but the ‘older brigade’ will no doubt recall both milk and bread had regular home deliveries.



Enjoy, here is a collection of notes left in milk bottles....



** Dear milkman: I've just had a baby, please leave another one.



** Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.



** Cancel one pint after the day after today.



** Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.



** Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.



** Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today.



** Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on the dole.



** Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.



** Sorry about yesterday's note, I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.



** When you leave my milk please knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.



** Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last night's Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of tea?



** My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle?



** Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.



** Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant.



** Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.



** From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk.



** My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight.



** Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday..



** Milkman, please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. PS Don't leave any milk.



** No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice

 

[specs]

Barack Hussein Obama was concerned about his future so he went to a fortune teller and asked her about it.

The fortune teller gazed into her crystal ball and said: "You will die on a Jewish Holiday."

Obama asked: "Which one?"

The fortune teller replied: "Doesn't matter. Whatever date you die on will become a Jewish Holiday."

 

[specs]

Guy: Can I buy you a drink? Girl: Sorry, but alcohol is bad for my legs. Guy: Do they swell? Girl: No. They spread