A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[specs]

The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no"

which is shorter than "yes".

 

[specs]

I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that

second week.

 

[specs]

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice

 

[specs]

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I

came in there for.

 

[R G]

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I

came in there for.

How many times have I done that today in the house I'm working in , I must have walked miles going back and forth for tools ...haha..

 

[specs]

How many times have I done that today in the house I'm working in , I must have walked miles going back and forth for tools ...haha..

absolute Ditto

 

[specs]

An Aussie Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.

'I'm sorry, 'St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'


'That's cool' said the Blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'


'Just three questions' said St Peter.


'Which are?' asked the Blonde.


'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?

The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year'?


The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'


'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'


So the Blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).


The following morning, St Peter called upon the Blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'


'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'


The Blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'


St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.


'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'


The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'


'Only twelve' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'
'Easy,' said the Blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'


St Peter looked at the Blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.


A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'


The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'
'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'
'It's Andy.'
'Andy??'
'Yes, Andy,' said the Blonde.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'


'Easy' said the Blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled.'


And the Blonde entered Heaven

 

[specs]

'OLD' IS WHEN....

Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs

And make love,' and you answer,

'Pick one; I can't do both!

 

[specs]

'OLD' IS WHEN...

Going braless

Pulls all the wrinkles out of your face

 

[specs]

Medical fact: If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day, it increases your chances of a stroke.

If you let her finish the bottle she'll probably suck it as well..

 

[specs]

Medical fact: If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day, it increases your chances of a stroke.

If you let her finish the bottle she'll probably suck it as well..

 

[HandySparks]

Medical fact: If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day, it increases your chances of a stroke.

If you let her finish the bottle she'll probably suck it as well..

And two bottles makes you see double. :54: :17:

 

[Besoeker]

And two bottles makes you see double. :54: :17:

No it doesn't. There was only one bottle in the first place!!

 

[telectrix]

I love to pamper my girlfriend after she's had a stressful day at work.
I get her to text me when she's leaving so I can get the hot tap running, swirl around the foam and bubbles and time everything perfectly so that, the moment she walks through the door, the dishes are piled up and waiting for her.

 

[specs]

I love to pamper my girlfriend after she's had a stressful day at work.
I get her to text me when she's leaving so I can get the hot tap running, swirl around the foam and bubbles and time everything perfectly so that, the moment she walks through the door, the dishes are piled up and waiting for her.

That's the way to go mate, she gets a bath and does washing up at the same time, why don't you stick your dirty laundry in as well. saves time and energy costs, all at the same time. Let me know how my suggestion went down (if your able).