A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[specs]

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. (It was valid).
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card. (The driver owned the car).
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem. (Trunk is opened; no body).
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Oh Yeah, I'll bet the liar told you I was speeding, too!!!!

 

[specs]

http://i14.photobucket.com/albums/a...4832098_8444283774893710726_n_zps2dsdnwlm.jpg

 

[specs]

My Wife came home early and caught me having a yank in the kitchen.

Before I could find any guard for this, she rushed over,

and gave me the best blow job of HER life.

In the meantime, I had found some words to guard myself behind, so I said;

"We haven't had sex for 6 months, and then you appear out of nowhere and suddenly do this?

...Why?..

She said

"I only washed the floor this morning, I'd rather clean my teeth, than get the fvkin' mop out again!!"

 

[Besoeker]

Subject: A Scottish Love Story

Reminds me of another.
Jock and Jean were walking down a road with a high stone dyke on one side.
"Let's jump over and have some fun," Jock suggests.
Jean looks at the dyke.
"I cannae. It's too high."
Jock lifts his kilt.
"Here, stand on this."
"Aye, but how will I get back?"

 

[specs]

MALE V FEMALE AT THE ATM



A new sign in the Bank reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM’s enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles



Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.



After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed.

Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender'

*******************************

MALE PROCEDURE:



1... Drive up to the ATM.

2. LOWER your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Raise window..

7. Drive off..

************************* ******

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

(Unfortunately, most of this is the Truth.!!)



1. Drive up to ATM machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN ...

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to ATM machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you..

24. Restart stalled engine and drive off.

25. Redial person on mobile phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 kilometres.

27. Release Hand Brake.

Hope I only sent this to the blokes ... OH DEAR !

 

[specs]

5000 men surveyed were asked "what do you like best about blow jobs?"
1% said they liked the warmth
2% said they like the eroticism
3% said they liked the sensuality

94% said they liked the piece and quiet....

 

[specs]

5000 men surveyed were asked "what do you like best about blow jobs?"
1% said they liked the warmth
2% said they like the eroticism
3% said they liked the sensuality

94% said they liked the piece and quiet....

 

[ian.settle1]

At a school near you!
Teacher taking the register.

Mustafa Al Shebab--------"Here"
Ahmed El Kabul-----------"Here"
Fatima El Bindri-----------"Here"
Ali Achmaka El Kebab----"Here"
Ali Sun Al en ----------------?
Little girl at the back of the class stands up and says "For **** sake, it's pronounced Alison Allen!

 

[specs]

David Cameron was looking for a call girl.
He found three such girls in a local pub, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.

To the blonde he said, I am the Prime Minister of The United Kingdom.
Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?'

She replied, "£200".

To the brunette he asked the same question.

Her reply was "£100".

He then asked the redhead

Her reply was:

"Mr. Prime Minister, if you can get my skirt up as high as the bankers bonuses, my panties as low as the minimum wage, get that thing of yours as hard as the times we are living in, keep it rising like my overdraft each month, keep me warmer than it is in my apartment and screw me the way you have the country then you can have it for free.".


For Trev

 

[specs]

think I have posted before, but what the hell.
An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife was the romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon, the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband text back to her: "I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

 

[specs]

Another possible repeat


THE WHALES


A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.
The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realised the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."

At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

 

[specs]

Ed Miliband walks into a bank to cash a cheque.

'Good morning', says Ed, 'would you please cash this cheque for me?'

Cashier: 'It would be my pleasure Sir, but could you please show me some identification?'

Miliband: 'Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. But hang on! I'm Ed Miliband, Leader of the Opposition and of the Labour Party!!!'

Cashier: 'Yes Sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers etc, I must insist on seeing some identification'.

Miliband: 'Just ask any of the customers here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am!'

Cashier: 'I'm sorry Sir, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them'.

Miliband: 'I am urging you please, to cash this cheque for me'.

Cashier: 'Look Sir, this is what we can do. One day Colin Montgomerie came into the bank without any ID. To prove he was Colin Montgomerie he pulled out his putter and putted a ball along the floor and into a small
cup. With that sort of skill we knew it was Colin Montgomerie and we cashed his cheque. On another occasion, Andy Murray came in without any ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and lobbed a tennis ball straight into my teacup with such a spectacular shot that we all knew it was Andy Murray.'

Ed Miliband stood there thinking and thinking and then finally says, 'To be honest, there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing that I'm any good at.'

Cashier: 'Will it be large or small notes you require Mr Miliband?

 

[specs]

They always ask at the doctor's reception why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it:

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dlck', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.
You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.
The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't plss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you're going to lose!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Deleted member 72666]

Specs, I've got to ask, where do you get these jokes from? My sides are still splitting!

 

[telectrix]

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''