A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[RogertheBodger]

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt .
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...


My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house.
Turns out she was a Slovak.



Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they lectured me for 30 minutes on the benefits of brown bread.
I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.


It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey. But I've turned
myself around and that's what it's all about.

 

[Besoeker]

Don't know if I've already posted this........

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.

After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available. The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The man got a shocked look on his face and said "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!"

"Well", says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The second man looked quite aghast, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my own wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."

The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman.

She wiped the sweat from her brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the damn gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the mother fakker to death with the chair!"

 

[telectrix]

Jeremy Clarkson has been suspended. He must have done something that even the BBC find inexcusable

So that rules out child abuse then....

 

[steve50]

ALZHEIMERS' EYE TEST

Read this text once and Count every "F "

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...






So How Many, .....3 ??

Nope try once again...


I'll come back later to give the reason why... lol!!

four times I had to read that

 

[Besoeker]

four times I had to read that

Four seems like a good answer........

 

[Engineer54]

Originally Posted by Engineer54
ALZHEIMERS' EYE TEST

Read this text once and Count every "F "

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...


So How Many, .....3 ??

Nope try once again...


I'll come back later to give the reason why... lol!!

No you're all wrong there are actually 6 F's in the text. ... lol!!

The reasoning behind this is :-

The brain cannot process "OF".

Incredible or what? Go back and look again!!


Anyone who counts all 6 "F's" on the first go is a genius.
Three is normal, four is quite rare.

 

[Silly Sausage]

I found out there were six, but looking again I only spotted five! :smilielol5:

 

[Darkwood]

Ive got an analytical mind and spend my days problem solving machine circuitry with little info.... so I sense I had an advantage when I saw 6 on my first read lol .... I struggle to see how people don't acknowledge the F's in 'of' but your right as I showed our lass and she didn't see them.

 

[ferg]

I thought I was being clever counting the F in the question but missed the of's.

Not as smart as I thought I was.

Of course.

 

[ferg]

Like Archy after I knew the answer I only got to 5 til I read it again a few times.

 

[ian.settle1]

The sixth one is in the question I think when it say's read the text once and asks "count every F"

 

[Darkwood]

The sixth one is in the question I think when it say's read the text once and asks "count every F"

Keep reading it ...all 6 located in the blue text.

 

[steve50]

I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning, so I quickly followed her.
As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for... a bus.
So I ran after her shouting, "You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!"
She didn't hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too.
As I walked to the back of the bus I breathlessly said, "You dropped your purse on the floor outside McDonald's."
"Thank you so much" she said, "Where is it?"
I said, "I've just fu**ing told you, on the floor outside McDonald's."

 

[steve50]

Paddy englishman, paddy irishman and paddy scotsman went out with their girlfriends to breakfast. they got there food. Paddy Englishman was looking for the suga...r so he said to his girl "pas us the sugar, sugar" paddy scots man was looking for the honey so he said to his girl "pass us the honey, honey" paddy irishman was looking for the milk so he said to his girl "pass us the milk, you big fat cow!!..

 

[shanky887614]

Paddy englishman, paddy irishman and paddy scotsman went out with their girlfriends to breakfast. they got there food. Paddy Englishman was looking for the suga...r so he said to his girl "pas us the sugar, sugar" paddy scots man was looking for the honey so he said to his girl "pass us the honey, honey" paddy irishman was looking for the milk so he said to his girl "pass us the milk, you big fat cow!!..

i heard a different version

englishman,irishman and a scotsman went shopping and they fancied the shopkeeper. . the englishman asked her "a bag of sugar, sugar" and she wasnt impressed, so the scotsman went up and asked "a jar of honey, honey" and she wasn't impressed, so the irishman walks up and says "a pound of bacon, you fat pig!!..