A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[kevin.bl]

A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night...

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a leccture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late"

The officer, " Oh really........ and Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The Man, "That would be my wife"

 

[telectrix]

Financial planning..... Dan was a single guy living at home with his single father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father dies, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune. One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit £200 million." Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother. Women are so much better at financial planning than men!

 

[Barry White]

Have YOU had to walk 500 miles?

Were you advised to walk 500 more?

You could be entitled to compensation.

Call the Pro Claimers now!

 

[shanky887614]

Before you insult a man, walk a mile in his shoes...
That way, when you insult him, you'll be a mile away and you'll have his shoes.

 

[Andy78]

Apparently Americans take electrical safety in the home very seriously. They have a national day, it's today incidentally, where every householder performs basic checks on their wiring with the greatest emphasis on light fittings. I wish every country could be as diligent. Happy American in the pendants day everyone.







I'll get my coat......

 

[Darkwood]

Apparently Americans take electrical safety in the home very seriously. They have a national day, it's today incidentally, where every householder performs basic checks on their wiring with the greatest emphasis on light fittings. I wish every country could be as diligent. Happy American in the pendants day everyone.






I'll get my coat......

Andy there are occasional times where I would like to abuse my powers and the sheer droll level of this joke nearly had me deleting it ...but I resisted :lipsrsealed2:

 

[Andy78]

Ha ha, not even a smirk ? I love crap jokes and puns. Tim Vine is a personal hero of mine.

 

[Darkwood]

Ha ha, not even a smirk ? I love crap jokes and puns. Tim Vine is a personal hero of mine.

Check out
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TXfvbO-Doqw

 

[Andy78]

Yes I do like him as well

 

[ian.settle1]

Apparently Americans take electrical safety in the home very seriously. They have a national day, it's today incidentally, where every householder performs basic checks on their wiring with the greatest emphasis on light fittings. I wish every country could be as diligent. Happy American in the pendants day everyone.





I'll get my coat......

And then take a long walk off a short pier.

 

[Barry White]

The great escape

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=STlBnCePeNQ

enjoy

 

[telectrix]

this is aimed at paul.m and GMES. :sunny:



One day I accidentally overturned my golf buggy.



Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out:
Are you okay, what's your name?"


"Its Phil and I’m Okay thanks," I replied.

"Phil , forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while
and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, but I don't think
my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.

She was very pretty, very sexy and persuasive . . . I was weak.

"Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it."

After a few restorative brandys, and some creative putting lessons, I thanked my host: "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset."

"Don't be silly!” Elizabeth said with a smile: “She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Under the cart,,,," I said . . .

 

[Kamikaze]

I just found out it takes 5 sheep to make 1 wooly sweater. I didn't even know they knew how to knit.

 

[Kamikaze]

Last night I dreamt I ate a large marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone.

 

[Darkwood]

Last night I dreamt I ate a large marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone.

You still opening Xmas crackers this time of year :joker: