A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[kevin.bl]

<div class="bbWrapper">A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night...<br /> <br /> The man replied, &quot;I&#039;m on my way to a leccture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late&quot;<br /> <br /> The officer, &quot; Oh really........ and Who&#039;s giving that lecture at this time of night?&quot;<br /> <br /> The Man, &quot;That would be my wife&quot;</div>

 

[telectrix]

<div class="bbWrapper">[TABLE=&quot;class: ecxMsoNormalTable, width: 100%&quot;]<br /> [TR]<br /> [TD=&quot;width: 100%&quot;] <b><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'">Financial planning.....<br /> </span></span> <br /> </b><br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'"><b><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"> <br /> <br /> Dan was a single guy living at home with his single father and working in the family business. <br /> When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father dies, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune. <br /> One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. <br /> &quot;I may look like just an ordinary guy,&quot; he said to her, &quot;but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit £200 million.&quot; <br /> Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.<br /> </span></span><b><span style="color: red"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><br /> Women are so much better at financial planning than men!</span></span></b></b></span><br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> [/TD]<br /> [/TR]<br /> [/TABLE]</div>

 

[Barry White]

<div class="bbWrapper"><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'verdana'">Have YOU had to walk 500 miles?</span></span><br /> <br /> <span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'verdana'">Were you advised to walk 500 more?</span></span><br /> <br /> <span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'verdana'">You could be entitled to compensation.</span></span><br /> <br /> <span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'verdana'">Call the Pro Claimers now!</span></span></div>

 

[shanky887614]

<div class="bbWrapper">Before you insult a man, walk a mile in his shoes...<br /> That way, when you insult him, you&#039;ll be a mile away and you&#039;ll have his shoes.</div>

 

[Andy78]

<div class="bbWrapper">Apparently Americans take electrical safety in the home very seriously. They have a national day, it&#039;s today incidentally, where every householder performs basic checks on their wiring with the greatest emphasis on light fittings. I wish every country could be as diligent. Happy American in the pendants day everyone.<br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> I&#039;ll get my coat......</div>

 

[Darkwood]

<div class="bbWrapper"><blockquote data-attributes="" data-quote="Andy78" data-source="post: 1114777" class="bbCodeBlock bbCodeBlock--expandable bbCodeBlock--quote js-expandWatch"> <div class="bbCodeBlock-title"> <a href="/goto/post?id=1114777" class="bbCodeBlock-sourceJump" rel="nofollow" data-xf-click="attribution" data-content-selector="#post-1114777">Andy78 said:</a> </div> <div class="bbCodeBlock-content"> <div class="bbCodeBlock-expandContent js-expandContent "> Apparently Americans take electrical safety in the home very seriously. They have a national day, it&#039;s today incidentally, where every householder performs basic checks on their wiring with the greatest emphasis on light fittings. I wish every country could be as diligent. Happy American in the pendants day everyone.<br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> I&#039;ll get my coat...... </div> <div class="bbCodeBlock-expandLink js-expandLink"><a role="button" tabindex="0">Click to expand...</a></div> </div> </blockquote>Andy there are occasional times where I would like to abuse my powers and the sheer droll level of this joke nearly had me deleting it ...but I resisted :lipsrsealed2:</div>

 

[Andy78]

<div class="bbWrapper">Ha ha, not even a smirk ? I love crap jokes and puns. Tim Vine is a personal hero of mine.</div>

 

[Darkwood]

<div class="bbWrapper"><blockquote data-attributes="" data-quote="Andy78" data-source="post: 1114796" class="bbCodeBlock bbCodeBlock--expandable bbCodeBlock--quote js-expandWatch"> <div class="bbCodeBlock-title"> <a href="/goto/post?id=1114796" class="bbCodeBlock-sourceJump" rel="nofollow" data-xf-click="attribution" data-content-selector="#post-1114796">Andy78 said:</a> </div> <div class="bbCodeBlock-content"> <div class="bbCodeBlock-expandContent js-expandContent "> Ha ha, not even a smirk ? I love crap jokes and puns. Tim Vine is a personal hero of mine. </div> <div class="bbCodeBlock-expandLink js-expandLink"><a role="button" tabindex="0">Click to expand...</a></div> </div> </blockquote><br /> Check out <br /> <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TXfvbO-Doqw" target="_blank" class="link link--external" data-proxy-href="/proxy.php?link=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DTXfvbO-Doqw&amp;hash=08659f44f51b442f3949fced0655f549" rel="nofollow ugc noopener">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TXfvbO-Doqw</a></div>

 

[Andy78]

<div class="bbWrapper">Yes I do like him as well <img src="https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/gh/twitter/[email protected]/assets/72x72/1f642.png" class="smilie smilie--emoji" loading="lazy" width="72" height="72" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" data-smilie="1"data-shortname=":)" /></div>

 

[ian.settle1]

<div class="bbWrapper"><blockquote data-attributes="" data-quote="Andy78" data-source="post: 1114777" class="bbCodeBlock bbCodeBlock--expandable bbCodeBlock--quote js-expandWatch"> <div class="bbCodeBlock-title"> <a href="/goto/post?id=1114777" class="bbCodeBlock-sourceJump" rel="nofollow" data-xf-click="attribution" data-content-selector="#post-1114777">Andy78 said:</a> </div> <div class="bbCodeBlock-content"> <div class="bbCodeBlock-expandContent js-expandContent "> Apparently Americans take electrical safety in the home very seriously. They have a national day, it&#039;s today incidentally, where every householder performs basic checks on their wiring with the greatest emphasis on light fittings. I wish every country could be as diligent. Happy American in the pendants day everyone.<br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> I&#039;ll get my coat...... </div> <div class="bbCodeBlock-expandLink js-expandLink"><a role="button" tabindex="0">Click to expand...</a></div> </div> </blockquote><br /> And then take a long walk off a short pier.</div>

 

[Barry White]

<div class="bbWrapper">The great escape<br /> <br /> <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=STlBnCePeNQ" target="_blank" class="link link--external" data-proxy-href="/proxy.php?link=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DSTlBnCePeNQ&amp;hash=cf178678389f7df4b1f4b72233416d12" rel="nofollow ugc noopener">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=STlBnCePeNQ</a><br /> <br /> enjoy</div>

 

[telectrix]

<div class="bbWrapper">this is aimed at paul.m and GMES. :sunny:<br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> One day I accidentally overturned my golf buggy. <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: <br /> Are you okay, what&#039;s your name?&quot;<br /> <br /> <br /> &quot;Its Phil and I’m Okay thanks,&quot; I replied.<br /> <br /> &quot;Phil , forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while <br /> and I&#039;ll help you get the cart up later.&quot;<br /> <br /> &quot;That&#039;s mighty nice of you,&quot; I answered, but I don&#039;t think <br /> my wife would like it.&quot; <br /> <br /> &quot;Oh, come on,&quot; Elizabeth insisted. <br /> <br /> She was very pretty, very sexy and persuasive . . . I was weak.<br /> <br /> &quot;Well okay,&quot; I finally agreed, and added, &quot;but my wife won&#039;t like it.&quot; <br /> <br /> After a few restorative brandys, and some creative putting lessons, I thanked my host: &quot;I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset.&quot; <br /> <br /> &quot;Don&#039;t be silly!” Elizabeth said with a smile: “She won&#039;t know anything. By the way, where is she?&quot; <br /> <br /> &quot;Under the cart,,,,&quot; I said . . .</div>

 

[Kamikaze]

<div class="bbWrapper">I just found out it takes 5 sheep to make 1 wooly sweater. I didn&#039;t even know they knew how to knit.</div>

 

[Kamikaze]

<div class="bbWrapper">Last night I dreamt I ate a large marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone.</div>

 

[Darkwood]

<div class="bbWrapper"><blockquote data-attributes="" data-quote="Kamikaze" data-source="post: 1121749" class="bbCodeBlock bbCodeBlock--expandable bbCodeBlock--quote js-expandWatch"> <div class="bbCodeBlock-title"> <a href="/goto/post?id=1121749" class="bbCodeBlock-sourceJump" rel="nofollow" data-xf-click="attribution" data-content-selector="#post-1121749">Kamikaze said:</a> </div> <div class="bbCodeBlock-content"> <div class="bbCodeBlock-expandContent js-expandContent "> Last night I dreamt I ate a large marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone. </div> <div class="bbCodeBlock-expandLink js-expandLink"><a role="button" tabindex="0">Click to expand...</a></div> </div> </blockquote><br /> You still opening Xmas crackers this time of year :joker:</div>