A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[haptism]

Ever since it started snowing, all my wife has done is stare through the window. If it gets any worse I'm gonna have to let her in.
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The wife said to me last night ''If you turn the bedside lamp off I'll take it up the arse." Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first.

 

[littlespark]

Warning.
If you get a PM from me with the subject “tinned meat”

Don’t open it!!!!


It’s spam

 

[pirate]

I dated twins once...
My mate asked me "isn't it difficult telling them apart?"

I replied "No..not really...
Sally's got massive breasts and long blond hair...



and Derek's got a moustache!"

 

[littlespark]

Did you know an apple pie in Barbados costs the same as 3 steak and kidney pies from St Lucia. ?
One steak and kidney is the same as 2 pork pies from Trinidad & Tobago.

That, ladies and gents, is the Pie-rates of the Caribbean.

 

[littlespark]

If you thought my last joke was bad... (see above..... not one "like"?)

Did you know that the ships of the Danish, Norwegian, Finnish, Swedish and Icelandic armed forces have bar codes painted on the sides?

That's so when they sail into port, they can scandanavian.




Oh look.... tumbleweed!

 

[littlespark]

What’s the difference between snowmen and snow women?

 

[littlespark]

Is nobody reading these jokes?
Another one from me.


“Where can you see yourself this time next year?”

“I don’t know, i don’t have 2020 vision”

 

[littlespark]

Did you know. Before they were famous, the Proclaimers were gardeners?

Craig and Charlie Reid had a great little business going until one faithful day when their grass cutter packed in.

They traveled all over Scotland looking for a new one, but alas....

Lochaber no mower
Sutherland no mower
Lewis no mower
Skye no mower......

Bathgate no mower
Linwood no mower
Methil no mower
Irvine no mower.....

 

[littlespark]

Oh, the grand old duke of york
He had ten thousand men...
He even had some women too
But he can’t remember them...

 

[littlespark]

BREAKING NEWS
Police in Bradford last night pulled over a local lad and were amazed to find the car was taxed, MOTed and insured.
It wasn't stolen, and there was no stolen goods or drugs found in the vehicle.
The driver was sober, had a full licence and no points.

A West Yorkshire police spokesman said they had no option but to fine him £80 for wasting police time.

 

[haptism]

I just bought some transparent paint called ‘Fưckall’. It does exactly what it says on the tin.

 

[littlespark]

A man goes to a funeral wake and approaches the widow of the newly deceased.

“May I say a word” he asks
“Of course” says the woman.

The man clears his throat and says “Bargain!”

“Thank you so much” says the widow....
”That means a great deal”

 

[littlespark]

First an apology beforehand to anyone struggling in the uk due to floodwater... but I just couldn’t resist....

 

[pirate]

#2526 = snowballs...
I guess folks forget about this thread, and the off-topic one, and only dip in at stupid times like, erm...03:17!
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So, littlespark, as a fellow Scot:

Police announced yesterday that they had discovered a massive drugs stash behind the library in Larkhall...

Local residents were stunned...they didn't know they had a library!

(somehow, i think I may have repeated this one)

A Scotsman an Englishman and an Irishman went into a pub...
The barman said "FFS, is this some kind of joke?"
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Apparently. some workers at an Amazon warehouse have coronavirus...

You too can get it on Prime tomorrow if you order within the next 3 hours 17 minutes...

 

[littlespark]

Can’t sleep, @pirate ?

Biggest joke this week is the panic buying of anti bac gel and toilet roll....
the spread of idiocy is outrunning the spread of Corona 10/1
Since when was sh*tting yourself a symptom?
experts telling you on tv how to wash your hands. Been doing it wrong 40 odd years.

And the biggest joke of last week. The Uk have entered the Eurovision Song Contest again.