A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[littlespark]

Since lockdown, there’s a lot less members of the Flat Earth Society....

when they were told to stay 2m apart, a few of them were literally pushed over the edge.

 

[littlespark]

In 2010, not one person got this question right.

“so, where do you think you’ll be in 10 years time?”

 

[littlespark]

A bloke goes to the council to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him,"Are you allergic to anything"?
He replies, "Yes caffeine."
"Have you ever worked for the public service before."
"Yes I was in the army"he says,I was in Iraq for two tours."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.
Then he asks,"Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says "Yes,a mine exploded next to me when I was there and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says,"O.K.
You've got enough points for me to take you on right away.
Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm.......but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am-and carry on starting at 10.00am everyday."
The bloke is puzzled and asks."If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm ,why don't you want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for any special treatment y'know."
"What you have to understand is that this is a council job,"the interviewer says, "For the first two hours,we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. There's no point coming in for that."

 

[javedee]

Since lockdown, there’s a lot less members of the Flat Earth Society....

when they were told to stay 2m apart, a few of them were literally pushed over the edge.

OMG, this one is so good

 

[Pete999]

???

Bloke phones up for an Ambulance
What have you done to need an Ambulance
Stubbed me Toe

 

[littlespark]

A little one for the Trekkies out there....

 

[littlespark]

I was at the pub the other night, and some bloke was giving it all that….

He swore he was a big pop star in the early eighties…

He was adamant…

 

[littlespark]

Just gonna brush the dust off this thread…. It’s been dormant for over 6 months…

I saw this and thought it would fit perfectly with home automation part of our trade, and the old fogeys that like old comics.

 

[littlespark]

Remember the pain when it took ages to download one song….

 

[littlespark]

Yes... i know its an old one... but its funny

 

[Mike Johnson]

1 . AVOCADOS
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him,
" Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk ? "
He replied, "They had avocados."
If you're a woman
I'm sure you're going back to read it again !
Men will get it the first time.
2. WATER IN THE CARBURETTOR
WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburettor."
HUSBAND: "Water in the carburettor ? That's ridiculous "
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburettor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburettor is. I'll check it out. - Where's the car?
WIFE: "In the pool".
3. STATISTIC
THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC, PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRISOME IN RECENT YEARS.
25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.
That's scary. It means 75% are running around untreated.
4. HE MUST PAY
Husband and wife had a tiff.
Wife called up her mum and said,
"He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."
Mum said,
“No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.”
5. TODAY'S SHORT READING FROM THE BIBLE
From Genesis :
"And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth."
Then he made the earth round
and He laughed and laughed.

 

[littlespark]

Spot the difference between these two pictures…

 

[123]

 

[littlespark]

Some guy... lets say an electrician... head too far into a life busbar and BOOM... bright flash and a bang....

He wakes up in hospital... dazed and confused.....

Struggling to speak.... "Wee, sleeket, cowran, tim’rous beastie!"

Panicking... he pulls on the nurse call.

"O, what a panic’s in thy breastie!"

The nurses rush in.... He looks at them bewildered.....

"Its alright, sir..... you had an accident. You're in the Burns unit."



Happy Haggis day

 

[Mike Johnson]

"A cyclist is a disaster for the country's economy: they do not buy cars and do not borrow money to buy. They do not pay for insurance policies. They do not buy fuel, do not pay for the necessary maintenance and repairs. They do not use paid parking. They do not cause serious accidents. They do not require multi-lane highways. They do not get fat.
Healthy people are neither needed nor useful for the economy. They don't buy medicine. They do not go to hospitals or doctors. Nothing is added to the country's GDP (gross domestic product).
On the contrary, every new McDonald's restaurant creates at least 30 jobs: 10 cardiologists, 10 dentists, 10 dietary experts and nutritionists, and obviously, people who work at the restaurant itself."
Choose carefully: cyclist or McDonald's? It is worth considering.
P.S. Walking is even worse. Pedestrians don't even buy bicycles.