A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[littlespark]

A guy goes to the doctors....
“Doctor doctor, I keep on singing old songs from the likes of Dean Martin and Frank Sinatra”
“Oh dear” said the doctor “I’m afraid you have the crooner virus!”

sorry.

On a more serious note, John Travolta has been admitted to hospital suffering from flu like symptoms.
His doctor assures us it’s only Saturday Night Fever

 

[Leesparkykent]

... ... ...

 

[littlespark]

North Yorkshire police are baffled after all the road signs were stolen.
They have nothing to go on and they’re still looking for Leeds

 

[norcal]

A drunk fell out of the second story window. He landed on the sidewalk with a thud.

A man came running up to him and asked, "What happened?"

The drunk commented, "I don't know. I just got here."

MISSING NOVA SCOTIAN WIFE



The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Bay Of Fundy, Nova Scotia , a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties. "We know it's late, sir, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the Mounties.

"Tell me! Did you find her!?" the husband shouted.

The Mounties looked at each other. One said,

"We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said "Give me the bad news first."

The second Mountie said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay." "Oh my God!" exclaimed the husband. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The Mountie continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 6 twenty-five pound snow crabs and 12 good-size lobsters clinging to her."

Stunned, the husband demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news???"

The Mountie answered, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

Got an e-mail headed "Knock knock"














When I opened it the writer said he was a Jehovah's Witness working from home...


a guy pulled up in the parking lot of Home Depot and told his wife, "Theres something wrong under the car. I'm going to look"
It was a hot day and he was wearing shorts. When his wife came out of the store he was still under the car and his balls were hanging out of his shorts. She reached down and tucked his balls back into his shorts so he wouldnt be embarrassed. There was a loud thunk under the car and her husband walked up behind her and said, "I got a real mechanic to look at it."

 

[norcal]

The farmer tells his daughter:
"A guy is coming to inseminate one of the cows in about an hour, but I have to go to the bank and pay some bills. I need you to show him which cow."

daughter: "but we have like a million cows, I don't know which one..."

farmer: "No problem, I hammered a big nail on the corral gate so you'll know which cow is the right one.:

daughter: "Oh, okay!"

An hour later the guy shows up.
the guy: "I'm here to inseminate your cow."

daughter: "follow me, I'll show you which one."

They walk thru the barn, and the daughter spies the nail.

daughter: "This is the one right here!"

guy: "so, how do you this is the right cow?"

daughter: "--this nail right here."

guy: "so what's the nail for?"

daughter" "I guess it's to hang your pants on, can I watch?"

*****************************************************************


Little Johnny missed school one day. Next day teacher asked where he was, and he replied "I had to take the cow to the bull." Teacher asked "Couldn't your daddy have done that?" To which Johnny replies, "Maybe , but not as good as the bull did."

 

[haptism]

Two builders go into the pub after a hard day's work. They're sat drinking for a while when a very smartly dressed man walks in and orders a drink. The two began to speculate about what the man did for a living.
"I'll bet he's an accountant." said the first builder.
"Looks more like a stockbroker to me." argued the second. They continued to debate the subject for a good while until eventually the first builder needed to use the toilet. On walking in, he saw the smartly dressed man standing at a urinal.
"Excuse me mate, but me and my friend have been arguing over what a smartly dressed fella like you does for a living?" the builder said to the man.
Smiling the man replied, "I'm a logical scientist."
"A what?" asked the builder.
"Let me explain" the man continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"
A bit puzzled, but intrigued the builder decided to play along, "Yes, I do as it happens."
"Well then it's logical to assume that you either keep it in a bowl or a pond. Which is it?"
"A pond" the builder replied.
"Well then it's logical to assume that you have a large garden." The builder nodded his agreement. So the man continued, "which means it's logical to assume you have a large house."
"I have a 6 bedroom house that I built myself." the builder said proudly.
"Given that you have such a large house, it's logical to assume that you are married..."
The builder nodded again, "Yes, I'm married and we have three children."
"Then it's logical to assume that you have a healthy sex life."
"Five nights a week!" the builder boasted.
The man smiled a little, "Therefore it's logical to assume you don't masturbate often."
"Never!" the builder exclaimed.
"Well there you have it" the man explained, "That's logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I've discovered the size of your garden, all about your house, your family and your sex life!"
The builder left, very impressed by the man's talents. On returning to the bar the other builder asked, "I see that smart bloke was in there, did you find out what he does?"
"Yeah," replied the first, "He's a logical scientist."
"A what?" the puzzled second builder asked.
"Let me explain" the first builder continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"
"No" replied his mate.
"Well, you're a wa nker then!"

 

[littlespark]

Did you know.....
The word “gullible” doesn’t appear in any dictionary.

 

[littlespark]

 

[littlespark]

Not sure if this belongs here or on another thread.... but spot the mistake....

 

[123]

Not sure if this belongs here or on another thread.... but spot the mistake....

View attachment 59417

Image of 4 bottles when one 2.25L box = 3 750ml bottles?

 

[Pete999]

Image of 4 bottles when one 2.25L box = 3 750ml bottles?

Aint going to argue over 250ml, brains gone by then.

 

[123]

Aint going to argue over 250ml, brains gone by then.

I'd say so, as 4 750ml bottles would be 3L

 

[littlespark]

Yes.... it was a bit obvious.
That’s what my wife gets for buying cheap Vegan wine

 

[littlespark]

This is very local joke from where I’m from.

 

[Julie.]

Not quite what you were expecting.