A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[telectrix]

specs, you're wasted as a spark. you should be on the stage. the next one leaves at dawn.

 

[steve50]

Spanish Oysters

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain .

While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling,scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.




Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Si senor, you have excellent taste!



Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor.



There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning.



If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order,and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.




After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said,



'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, Si, Senor.





Sometimes the bull wins."

 

[Geordie Spark]

Grandma.

A DOCTOR THAT HAD BEEN SEEING AN 80-YEAR OLD LADY FOR MOST OF HER LIFE, FINALLY RETIRED.

AT HER NEXT APPOINTMENT THE NEW DOCTOR TOLD HER TO BRING A LIST OF ALL MEDICINES THAT
HAD BEEN PRESCRIBED FOR HER.

AS THE YOUNG DOCTOR WAS LOOKING THROUGH THESE, HIS EYES GREW WIDE AS HE REALISED SHE
HAD A PRESCRIPTION FOR BIRTH CONTROL PILLS.

"MRS SMITH, DO YOU REALISE THESE ARE BIRTH CONTROL PILLS?

"YES, THEY HELP ME SLEEP AT NIGHT."

"MRS SMITH, I ASSURE YOU THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING IN THESE THAT COULD POSSIBLY
HELP YOU SLEEP!"

SHE REACHED OUT AND PATTED THE YOUNG DOCTOR's KNEE.

"YES DEAR, I KNOW THAT. BUT EVERY MORNING I GRIND UP ONE AND MIX IT IN A GLASS OF
ORANGE JUICE THAT MY 16 YEAR OLD GRANDDAUGHTER DRINKS. AND BELIEVE ME, IT HELPS
ME SLEEP AT NIGHT

YOU GOTTA LOVE GRANDMAS!

 

[specs]

specs, you're wasted as a spark. you should be on the stage. the next one leaves at dawn.

If you worked with some of the trades :banghead: I have to work with, you would understand why I need a sense of humour:wink_smile:

 

[dan86]

 

[specs]

I was having a great night down at the pub, playing darts and drinking lots,
when a mate of mine came in.

"Why aren't you at home, shagging your beautiful wife?", he asked.

"Why aren't you?", I replied.

"Because I didn't know you'd be here".

 

[specs]

Rabbi Cohen was retiring so he went to his friend Moshe who was a tailor and said" Moshe, in three weeks I retire, here's all the foreskins from all the circumcisions I've done, can you make something for me using them"?
"leave it to me Rabbi" said Moshe and took the small sack from Rabbi Cohen.
Almost three weeks later the Rabbi walks into Moshe's shop, he's all worked up wondering what his friend Moshe has cooked up for him, he walks over to Moshe who is busy on the sewing machine.
"Well Moshe" says he, "have you got something for me yet"?
Moshe wears a big grin and a twinkle in his eye, "Rabbi" he says, "Have I got something for You!"
He stops his sewing, cuts the thread and presents Rabbi Cohen with- a wallet!
The Rabbi is somewhat taken aback, "Moshe" he says, "Are you telling me that all you could make from that sack of foreskins is this small wallet"?
"Ah but Rabbi", says Moshe, "When you rub it it turns into a suitcase!"

 

[specs]

Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small
cave.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely
until he heard an answering, 'Wooooo ! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off
his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all
about,.
'Was the other Indian crazy or what ?'
The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when
Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the
opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw
in there waiting for us.

Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the
cave, stopped, and hollered, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'
Immediately, there was the answer. 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep
inside.
He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then
spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the
huge opening, he was thinking, 'oh, man! Look at the size of this cave!
It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really
big, fine women in this cave!'

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering
call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the
cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day,
the headline of the local newspaper read...............

You'll like this !

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NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY
TRAIN !!!

 

[specs]

Three women are about to be executed.

One's a brunette, one's a redhead and one's a blonde.

The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, ''Ready! Aim!'' Suddenly the brunette yells, ''EARTHQUAKE!!!'' Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no and the executioner shouts, ''Ready! Aim!'' Suddenly the redhead yells, ''TORNADO!!!'' Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.

By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, Ready! Aim!'' and the blonde yells, ''FIRE!!!'''

 

[specs]

Bob has a long, three martini lunch with a coworker one day and as he's pounding down his last drink he belches and accidentally pukes on himself,
"Oh God, my wife is gonna kill me" he says.
"No worries Mate!" his friend replies, "just put a Twenty in your shirt pocket and tell the wife that some guy vomited on you but gave you cash for the cleaning bill!"
"That's a damned good idea!" exclaims Bob. After which he proceeds to get truly drunk!
Later that night, he stumbles home and the wife is waiting for him at the door. As soon as she sees his condition she starts to rip him a new one. . .
"Look at you, you worthless piece of ****! You're drunk! You're so drunk you puked on yourself!"
Trying to calm her down, Bob explains how the drunk guy got sick on him but paid for the cleaning bill. . .
Somewhat mollified, the wife says, "Well that was considerate of him, but there is $40 here, what's the other $20 for??!!??"
"Oh yeah. . . he crapped in my pants too!"

 

[specs]

well wally gets home one night and linda , his wife said "where the hell have you been ?"wally replies " i was getting a tattoo!"
"a tattoo ?" she frowned . " what kind of tattoo did you get ?"
"i got a hundred dollar bill on my privates " he said proudly
"what the hell were you thinking?"she said , shaking her head in disgust ."why on earth would a chartered accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates ?"
"well one , i like to watch my money grow ,two once in a while i like to play with my money , three , i like how money feels in my hand
and lastly, instead of you going out shopping , you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want "

 

[dan86]

A man called to my door today.

"Are you happy with your broad-brand provider," he asked.

"Very much, but I'm sure you're going to tell me why I should change it?"

"That's exactly it, sir," he replied. "I've been using yours from across the road for months but it's starting to get a bit slow."

 

[dan86]

So I'm standing at the bar and this little Chinese guy is stood beside me.

So I asked him, "Do you know any martial arts, like Kung Fu or Karate?

"Why the ---- did you ask me that? Is it because I'm Chinese? he replied.

I said, "No, it's because you're drinking my effin pint you tw@!"

 

[specs]

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00, which seemed awfully cheap.

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her seriously and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then found it kind of amusing.

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them enter and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith!"

 

[specs]

Ron was in big trouble with his wife. He forgot his wedding anniversary. Naturally his wife was livid. She told him, "Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds!! AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Ron got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Ron has been missing since Friday.