A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[specs]

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Ngongo Mwambe has to walk five miles every morning to collect food and water for his family..... This is because the daft ****er torched the Spar and KFC in Peckham High Street and now he has to walk all the way to Lewisham for his breakfast :wink5:

 

[specs]

IN RESPONSE TO THE EMAIL CONCERNING MY DOG... Please be advised I am sick and tired of receiving questions about my dog who mauled six illegal aliens,two rappers, nine teenagers with pants hanging down past their cracks, eight customer service desk people speaking in broken English, three flag burners, and a Pakistani taxi driver. FOR THE LAST TIME...THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE !!!

 

[hubsy]

WHY....A MAN SHOULD ALWAYS LET A WOMAN SPEAK FIRST.....

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[hubsy]

Road users







I saw a biker with a bumper sticker saying : " I am a vet, therefore I drive like an animal".


Suddenly I realized how many gynaecologists there are on the roads.

 

[hubsy]

Life on Mars

The year is 2222 and Charlie and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.

Charlie asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another... Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.. He's got only a teeny,weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.

'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'

'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'

'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite
impressively long.

'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'

'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his
member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely
exciting to the woman.

'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate
ways. As they walked along, Charlie asks, 'Well, was it any good?'

'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'

'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache ... She kept
slapping my forehead and pulling my ears..!!!!'

 

[specs]

WHY....A MAN SHOULD ALWAYS LET A WOMAN SPEAK FIRST.....

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Excellent

 

[specs]

A man decided to retire...
He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says. So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please."

"Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around? She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, "You've built a Golf Course?"

 

[specs]

She's single...



She lives right across the road from me.



I can see her house from my family room.







I watched as she got home from work this evening.



I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway.



She knocked on my door...



I rushed to open it.







She looked at me, and said, “I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long!



Are you busy tonight?”







I immediately replied, “Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all!”







Then she said, “Good! In that case, could you look after my dog?"







IT'S NO FUN GETTING OLD & BEING A SEPTUAGENARIAN IS IT???

 

[specs]

CANNON BALLS!!! DID YOU KNOW THIS?










It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls near the cannon on old war ships. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was the problem. The storage method devised was to stack them as a square based pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on sixteen.










Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others.










The solution was a metal plate with 16 round indentations, called, for reasons unknown, a Monkey. But if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it.. The solution to the rusting problem was to make them of brass - hence,Brass Monkeys.










Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled.

Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey.




Thus, it was quite literally, cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey. And all this time, folks thought that was just a vulgar expression?




You must send this to at least a few intellectual friends. so guys i'm sharing it with you

 

[specs]

QUOTE OF THE YEAR, SO FAR!:

"...and then God created the orgasm,
so that women can moan even when they are happy."

I suppose the come back line for the women will be "whats one of those then"

 

[specs]

:

Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.

Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I tink both his legs are broken.'

Operator: 'What is your location sir?'

Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street .'

Operator: 'How do you spell that sir?'

Silence.... and after a minute.

Operator: 'Are you there sir?'

More silence and another minute later.

Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me?'

This goes on for another few minutes until....

Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?'

Paddy: 'Yes, sorry bout dat... I couldn’t spell eucalyptus, so I just dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street.'

 

[specs]

After a busy day he settled down in his train from Waterloo for a nap as far as his destination at Winchester , when the chap sitting near him hauled out his mobile and started up:-

"Hi darling it's Peter, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the 6.30 not the 4.30 but I had a long meeting - no, not with that floozie from the typing pool, with the boss no darling you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart" etc., etc.

This was still going on at Wimbledon , when the young woman opposite, driven beyond endurance, yelled at the top of her voice,

"Hey, Peter, turn that bloody phone off and come back to bed!!"

 

[specs]

A man checks into a hotel in Blackpool while on a business trip and was a bit lonely.


He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone boxes. He popped into a phone box near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo.


She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs... Well, you get the picture!
He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel.

When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call. 'Hello', the woman says. Gosh, she sounded sexy so he continues...

'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?

She says, 'That sounds fantastic love, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.'

 

[specs]

If you read only one review this year this is it !!!! but read it before you send it or they will withdraw it

Amazon.co.uk: Andrew's review of Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200 ml

 

[specs]

:
:

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Athens airport.

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.

"Occupation?"

"No, just here for a few days."