A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[specs]

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night, she looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a bit (well more than a bit), we had a snuggle, and she asked me if I ever had a "sportsman double?" "Whats that?" I asked. "It's a mother and daughter threesome," she said. "Oh," I said as my mind began to embrace the idea. "No, I haven't." And I wondered what this daughter of hers might look like. We drank a bit more, then she says with a wink that tonight was 'my lucky night.' I went back to her place and walked in hoping for the best night of my life. She puts on the hall light and shouted upstairs, "Mom, you still awake?"

 

[specs]

An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise.

He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.

"Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Roll of chicken wire."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch some chickens."

"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

The boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand.

"Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Roll of duct tape."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch me some ducks."

"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"

The boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.

"Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"It's a ----- willow."

"Wait up...I'll get my hat."

 

[specs]

Jack and Will are driving home together and on the way home they get in a car crash and both die. Jack ends up at the pearly gates without Will. Jack walks up to St. Peter and says, "where is my good friend Will."

St. Peter says, "Sorry, but will didn't make it to heaven. Jack asks if he can see Will one last time. St. Peter parts the clouds and Jack looks down into hell and sees Will with a keg in one arm and a beautiful blonde is the other.
Jack turns to St. Peter and says, "you know, heaven is great and all but I think I want to go to hell."

St. Peter responds by saying, "it may seem that way now but the keg has a hole in it and the blonde doesn't."

 

[specs]

The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family.

A smart --- student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. 'But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?' As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter.

When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look. 'Well,' he responded, 'I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand.'

 

[specs]

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, when they came across a badly mangled dead body. As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier.

A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe. They ran to him, cradled his bruised head and asked him what had happened.

"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth when I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, 'Saddam Hussein is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash!'"

"He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, 'George W. Bush is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash too!'"

"We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us."

 

[dan86]

My mate said if you laugh at black people or black jokes then that's proof that you're a racist.

That rules me out then! Just watched Lenny Henry's stand-up comedy DVD and didn't laugh once at him

 

[specs]

An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship
holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said,
"Pardon me, madam..

I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress
is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady.

"I need both my hands
to hold onto this hat."

"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties
and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man
and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old.

I just bought this hat yesterday!"

 

[specs]

We were dressed and ready to go out for a Dinner & Theatre evening.
We turned on a 'night light', turned the answering machine on, covered our pet budgie and put the cat in the backyard and phoned the local Taxi company and requested a taxi.





The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard scooted back into the house.
We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to get at the budgie.
My wife walked on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat.




The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my wife didn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. so, she explained to the taxi driver that I would be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, I got into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out!
She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me.
But it worked! I hauled her fat arse downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!

...............She'd better not **** in the vegetable garden again!"

The silence in the Taxi was deafening

 

[specs]

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He
Got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just
Like Brian"

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the
Time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like
That to Brian Sullivan, every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have
Won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like
An opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have
Heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered
everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and
Which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I
Change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he
Could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid
Traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But
Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman
And make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was
In the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly
Polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one
Could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."


Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"



Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to
His F***ing widow!"

 

[Andy78]

Two plumbers, Bob and Terry, go on holiday together and are walking by a lake wondering how to fill their day. "let's go fishing" says Terry. Bob agrees it's a good idea and they hire a boat and row off over the lake. The pair have a fantastic day, hauling 35 trout from the lake and generally having a great time, due in no small part to their bumper catch.
Walking back to their cottage, Terry says to Bob "It would be great to fish that spot again tomorrow, pity we won't find it in that huge lake out there"
"Don't worry" says Bob "I marked the spot"
"How" asks Terry
"With a chalk cross"
"Where in the heck did you mark the chalk cross ?" asks a bemused Terry
"On the side of the boat"
"You thick git, that's not going to work" Moans Terry "What if we get a different boat tomorrow ?"

 

[specs]

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..'

- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter )

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I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

- Eleanor Roosevelt

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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..

- Mark Twain

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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible

- George Burns

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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

- Victor Borge

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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

- Mark Twain

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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

- Socrates

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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

- Groucho Marx

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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

- Jimmy Durante

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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.

- Alex Levine

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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

- Rodney Dangerfield

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Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

- Spike Milligan

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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .

- Joe Namath

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I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

- Bob Hope

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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..

- W. C. Fields

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We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Parliament.

- Will Rogers

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Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

- Winston Churchill

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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..

- Phyllis Diller

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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

- Billy Crystal

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And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good, spit it out.

May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and may nothing but happiness come through your door​

​

 

[specs]

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.

One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror,

she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. 'Oh my God - Hurry!

Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'
'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'

'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got

a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'




So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the

window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly

discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon,

so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in

as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had

been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. Do you always

run in the nude?' one asked.

'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'
Another runner moved along side. 'Do you always run carrying your

clothes with you under your arm?'
'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get

dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you

always wear a condom when you run?'

'Nope..............just when it's raining.'

 

[specs]

Little Johnny again Teacher asks the kids in class:
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny: "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive
clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a
million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris , a jet
to travel through Europe , an Infinite Visa Card and screw her three
times a day".

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior
of the child decides not to give importance to what he said and then
continues the lesson.

"And you, Mary?"

" I wanna be Johnny's bitch!"

 

[specs]

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.
Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.
"Olympic condoms."
She blurts, "What makes them so special?"
"There are three colors", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."
"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.
"Gold of course", says the man proudly.
"Why don't you wear Silver dear," the wife responds, "would be nice if you came second for a change!"

 

[specs]

DATING IN THE 60s. Remember those days ?

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1963, and James had a date with Annabella. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.



'Oh, come on in!' Annabella's mother said as she welcomed James.
'Have a seat in the sitting room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Tea?' 'Tea, please,' James said. Mum brought the tea.
'So, what are you and Annabella planning to do tonight?' she asked.
'Oh, probably go to the flicks and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the coffee bar, perhaps have a walk on the beach afterwards.'
'Annabella likes to screw, you know,' Mum informed him.
'Really?' James gasped, surprised to say the least.
'Oh yes,' mother continued, 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!' 'Is that so?' asked James, incredulously.' Oh yes,' she said.
'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!' 'Phew! Well, thanks for the tip!' James said as he began thinking about alternative plans for the evening.
A moment later, Annabella came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted James.'Have fun, kids!' mother said as they left.
Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled Annabella burst into the house
and slammed the front door behind her.




'The Twist, Mum!' she yelled angrily to her mother in the kitchen.



​

'The bloody dance is called the ......Twist!
​