A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[Paul.M]

Pyro plastic explosives 2 weeks before bonfire night? Just waiting for the final bang .


Back to topic... erm.... ok:-

Whats 2" long and sits next to a hospital bed?

Jimmy Savilles cigar but.

 

[Paul.M]

I stole this joke but I find it funny......


More cases of child abuse have been discovered at the BBC.

Apparently Morph has been accused of being a Playdophile...

 

[telectrix]

that was my joke from last week. might have to start my own joke thread. LOL.

 

[Paul.M]

that was my joke from last week. might have to start my own joke thread. LOL.

Sorry Tel but that one tickled me. All likes and thanks to Tel.

 

[AV-Nik]

The wife used to Head-Butt me every time she had an orgasm.
I didn't mind till I found out she was Faking them!

 

[steve50]

The Tax Man
At the end of the tax year, the Inland Revenue office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the agent was checking the books he turned to the Accountant of the Hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?" "Good question," noted the Accountant. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages." "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?" "Ah, yes," replied the Hospital Accountant, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster." "I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Accountant. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?" "Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Accountant. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the Inland Revenue Office, and about once a year they send us a complete -----!"

 

[telectrix]

love it. pure class.

 

[dpiers1980]

working in the UK as an electrician

 

[MarkieSparkie]

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel reception and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, 'Madam, if your heart is as
soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'

 

[MarkieSparkie]

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

 

[MarkieSparkie]

Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when
he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion...
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist
to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.
He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife
could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this
tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied...
'My God, Bill what happened?'
'I got fired.'
'No Bill, I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh... she got fired too.'

 

[MarkieSparkie]

A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says,
'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said.
'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied,
'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps.
'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!'

 

[MarkieSparkie]

An elderly couple on their wedding night…
They both get into bed.
Him "I've been waiting for this night for so long."
Her "I have something I need to tell you, I’m afraid I have acute angina."
Him "Your ---- aren’t bad either."

 

[MarkieSparkie]

[FONT=&amp]There was a bit of confusion at the local superstore this morning.
When an elderly man was ready to pay for his groceries,
the cashier said, "Strip down facing me."
He did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided,
he found out that she was referring to his credit card.
He has been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
The superstore has promised to make their instructions to pensioners a little clearer![/FONT]

 

[Hawk]

Why do women have 2 sets of lips?

So they can pish and moan at the same time!