A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[steve50]

Went to our firms christmas party last night. They played 'The Twist' so I twisted. They played 'Jump' so I jumped. Then they played '--- on Eileen' ........I was asked to leave shortly after that.

 

[steve50]

Merry Christmas every one

 

[steve50]

As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in Cork at my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of these claims. The Irishman swore every word was true, but they asked, "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times.

 

[steve50]

IKEA HAS ANNOUNCED ITS INTENTION TO SELL CARS.

SOME OF US ARE GOING TO BE IN DEEP TROUBLE.......





Just as I figured - battery not included!

Looking forward to seeing the assembly sheets.

 

[telectrix]

IKEA HAS ANNOUNCED ITS INTENTION TO SELL CARS.

SOME OF US ARE GOING TO BE IN DEEP TROUBLE.......


View attachment 16325


Just as I figured - battery not included!

Looking forward to seeing the assembly sheets.

that's great. all you need is thew allen key.

 

[SirKit Breaker]

Cancelled Panto.

Unfortunately, Jack and the Beanstalk at Bradford Alhambra has had to be cancelled this year. Apparently the giant couldn't smell the blood of an Englishman!

 

[sparkless]

[FONT=lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif]I'm responsible for Christmas dinner this year as the wife's ill, [/FONT]
thought I'd start with a nice Prawn Cocktail,
followed by a Roast Chicken,
then finished with some lovely Cheese and Onion
and maybe some Salt and Vinegar

 

[King Mustard]

"I always wanted to be a comedian as a child. My Dad told me I should practice in the bath, so I did. The bad thing is, he said the same thing to my brother.

He was an electrician."

 

[MarkieSparkie]

A guy calls a fitness company and orders their 5-day, 5kg weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Lisa xx

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5kg as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day, 10kg program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10kg as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day, 25kg program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely!" he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."

He lost 33 kilos that week.

 

[MarkieSparkie]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £20 note fell out onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag."

"Oh really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'll have to go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.”

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. “Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no," said the old lady. "You see, my back garden is right next to a golf course.
A lot of golfers come and pee through a hole in my fence, right into my flower bed. It used to really annoy me. It kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, why not make the best of it.”

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the hole, really quiet, with my pruning shears.
Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, “O.K. matey! Give me £20, or I chop off.”


"Well that seems fair enough to me," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck to you my dear! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays!”

 

[MarkieSparkie]

Lady: Doctor, I’m having difficulty telling when my partner is approaching climax during sex?

Doctor: Do you watch your husband's face during sex?

Lady: I did once and he looked very angry.

Doctor: Why?

[FONT=&amp]Lady: Because he was outside watching through the window.[/FONT]

 

[Stroppy]

 

[MarkieSparkie]

[FONT=&quot]A bloke wins the lottery and decides to buy himself a Harley Davidson, he goes down to his local bike shop and after purchasing a top of the range bike, the owner of the shop tells him to coat the bike in Vaseline every time it looks like raining. That night he goes and picks his girlfriend up on his new toy and heads over to her parents house for the first time. As they arrive there, she explains to him that whenever they have dinner, don't talk.
"If you talk," she tells him, "you have to do the pots." The man is astounded as he walks into the house as it is a complete mess. Anyway, the family all sit down for dinner not saying a word. The man decides to take advantage of the situation by groping his girlfriend's ----, yet there is not a sound from anyone.
So he decides to shag his bird on the table, and still there is not a word. He then proceeds to do his girlfriend's mum over the table, but still, amazingly, there's not a word from anyone. Just at that moment he notices the rain on the kitchen window and remembers his precious motorbike, so he reaches into his pocket and takes the Vaseline out.
At which point his girlfriend's dad leaps up and shouts, "Okay! Okay! I'll do the flaming pots!"[/FONT]

 

[onions1066]

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head....................................cliff

- - - Updated - - -

Shocking joke I know

 

[dan86]

I was having a pretty big $h!t last night and at the highest point of struggle to drop it out, my girlfriend accidentally turned off the light in the toilet.

Immediately I started to scream like crazy, she turned it back on and asked through the door "what's the matter, are you alright"?

With a huge relief, I replied: "Nothing, I'm fine, I just thought my eyes popped out".