A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[MarkieSparkie]

Valentine Dream

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed you gave me a diamond necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight darling." he said.
That evening the husband came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it... to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

 

[Silly Sausage]

Valentine Dream

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed you gave me a diamond necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means?"

Then she noticed she was wearing a Pearl Necklace!
​

 

[dan86]

Caught the Wife Masturbating during a Rowan Atkinson Movie earlier.

She loves a good Bean Flick.

 

[Brightspark2]

Teacher asks william to spell pope.

William says "Theres no pope".

Teacher says "Just spell pope".

So william says "pofpe".

Teacher says "Theres no f in pope".

William says "I ****ing told u that"

 

[steve50]

Female Medical


During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says:- "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor.

"No! No! Don't remove your clothes... Just stick out your tongue!"

 

[MDJ]

Chris huhne better watch out for these when he starts his sentence lol, his earnings may lessen and when he leaves the nick he may be bankrupt

 

[steve50]

A woman was enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends.​

"Oh, no!" she suddenly exclaimed.
"Look at the time! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband.
He'll be so annoyed if it's not ready on time."

When she got home, she discovered all she had in the fridge was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg and a can of cat food.
With no time to go to the supermarket, she opened the can of cat food,
stirred in the egg and garnished it with the lettuce leaf.

She greeted her husband warmly when he came home, and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner.
To her surprise, he seemed to be enjoying it.

"Darling, this is the best dinner you've made me in 40 years of marriage! You can make this for me any day."

Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish.

She told her golf partners about it and they were all horrified. "You're
going to kill him!" they exclaimed.

Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around the clubhouse, and one of them said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the window sill
while he was licking his arse!"​

 

[44ALLAN]

Just been for my yearly visit to the young blond nurse.
She told me I had to stop masturbating !

WHY?.... I protested !

Because I'm trying to examine you........she said !

 

[MDJ]

Chris will make friends inside haha

 

[guest119]

I just found a prostitute that charges by the inch.
Obviously I cant afford her but many of you might, pm me for her number.:devilish:

 

[Kamikaze]

There was a horse and a chicken who lived on a farm together for many years. Over time they became close friends. They loved walking through the forest together. On one of these trips, the horse stumbled into a pit of quicksand. He pleaded for the chicken to run and have the farmer pull him out with his tractor.

So the chicken makes it back to the farm, but to his dismay finds the farmer had left on the tractor to make his monthly trip to town. However, the farmer, being quite successful had a brand new BMW Z3, and the chicken though "Well, this is an emergency, and the horse is my best friend. So he hops in the car, drives to the horse, ----es a rope out and pulls the horse to safety.

Some months later the duo decides to venture into the forest again. This time, the chicken stumbles into the quicksand. He pleads with the horse to get the farmer, but the horse simply tells the chicken "I'm going to straddle the puddle and lower my penis down, so all you have to do is grab hold and I'll pull you out. The horse does this, and pulls the chicken to safety. They live happily ever after.

The moral of the story: You don't need a BMW to pick up chicks when your hung like a horse.

 

[Kamikaze]

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listedcompany.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows,with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracy...

AN AUSTRALIAN COMPANY
You have 2 cows
It's a nice day, you go to the pub.

A NEW ZEALAND COMPANY
You have 2 cows
One has the same beautiful eyes as your favorite ewe

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

 

[dan86]

Me and the wife were in town last night, when we passed a new restaurant.

My wife said, "Can you smell the food? The aroma is gorgeous."

I thought fack it, I'll treat her.

So we walked past the restaurant again.

 

[dan86]

I was at the local pool yesterday, swimming along minding my own business when a body came flying through the air and crashed into me.

Fricking women divers.

 

[dan86]

My mate Dave had a really bad accident. Both his feet had to be amputated and his vocal chords were damaged. He doesn't make a song and dance about it though.

 

[steve50]

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation
so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor
what he could do to cure his problem. In response,
the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting
ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself
a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran
home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed,
naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves
in the celebrated 69 position. The man, moments later, felt
the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked,
"How did it go?"
The man answered, "Not that well. When I fired the pistol,
my wife **** on my face, bit 3 inches off my dick, and my neighbor
came out of the closet with his hands in the air."

 

[Brightspark2]

Just been to asda with the wife, we grabbed our trolley and away we went. After about half an hour she said out the blue "Your a lazy facker you!"

I was that shocked I nearly fell out my trolley!

 

[steve50]

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag.

He sits down and places the bag on the counter.

The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man,

about one foot high and sets him on the counter.

He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano,



setting it on the counter as well.

He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench,

which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful
piece by Mozart!

"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.

This time he pulls out a magic lamp.



He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke
and a beautiful genie is standing before him.

"I will grant you one wish. Just one wish. Each person is only allowed
one!"

The bartender gets real excited.

Without hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks!"

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar.

It is soon followed by another duck, then another.

Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks
and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says,

"Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf.

I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

"Tell me about it!" says the man,

"Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

 

[PEM]

After an argument with the Mrs the other day shy said "statistically husbands due before their wife's"

I replied "you know why that is dear, it's because they want to"

Oh the silence

 

[RmBo_0]

I sat on my hand for fifteen minutes earlier, before hoovering the living room.

Just so it felt like the wife was doing it.

 

[Mick Dargan]

Saw an advert for an Accountant in the local paper this morning.

£35,000 - £40,000

I phoned them up and said it was -£5,000

 

[PEM]

Wife stood naked in front of the mirror last night and said she needed a boob job for bigger breasts.

I replied no dear they're fine

She said no I need bigger ones

Board at this point for her interrupting my reading of the big green book I jumped up went to the bathroom ripped off some toilet paper and handed it to her

She said what's this for

I replied rub it on your breasts and they'll get bigger

She said what rubbish

I said trust me they will after all the same things worked on your ar@e

 

[PEM]

What looks good on a sex offender?

A tumour

 

[steve50]

party time

 

[grantr37]

seen an advert for a "Dumber" truck driver on the JC website today :stuart:

 

[Geordie Spark]

There was a young woman from Mace,
Who's corsets were too tight to lace,
Her mother said "Nelly, there's more in your belly.....
Than ever went in throught your face."

 

[Brightspark2]

Sad news...my mate died at a chocolate factory today after lots of boxes fell on him and no one went to help.

He tried in vain to save himself but when he shouted 'the milky bars are on me!'...everyone just cheered.

 

[Brightspark2]

Gary Nevilles father Neville Neville has been arrested on sexual assault charges. If he carries on like that he is going to get himself a bad name.

 

[dan86]

.

 

[dan86]

Me and my girlfriend split up because we were in different places in our relationship.

I was at her sister's.
-----------------------------------------------------

I'm just about to perform my first ever acting role on TV and I'm a bit nervous.

I just hope I can convince the press and media I had nothing to do with my wife's disappearance.
-----------------------------------------------------

Bill Gates is offering $1 million to whoever designs the "next generation" condom.

With Windows track record of keeping out viruses, i'm staying well away.

 

[dan86]

what happened before the big bang?

muslims boarded the bus...

 

[dan86]

Seeing a lot of posts on Facebook and Twitter about dogs being stolen.

Are the Koreans stockpiling food before they go to war?

 

[Toonlad]

too old of a dog to be ****3d by a pup

 

[guest119]

The wife caught me shaggin my blow up doll.
I thought she would go nuts, divorce etc. but all she did was blow it up a bit so it was bigger than her.

 

[guest119]

I loved my days at school.
Smoking behind the bikesheds, fingering the girls, loved that janitor job.

 

[trev]

My son got kicked out of school after being caught having a masturbating race in the boys showers after the games lesson. When he told me I said FFF that's the third school in 2 years, are you sure teaching is the right job for you

 

[dan86]

I tell you what, if I had a pound for every time I was at one of those car parking meters, it would come in very handy.

 

[dan86]

I was playing tennis with the Chuckle Brothers yesterday.

It got very annoying, very quickly.

 

[Earthstore]

Just to be "correct" and trying not to offend, this is about the purveyor of the finest curries and naan breads abbreviated to Curryman for this short story.

Truck driver driving along the road and sees a "Curryman" hitch-hiking so edges his truck towards the side of the road, SPLAT he hits him and with a smile puts a little tick on his windscreen.

A couple of miles further up the road he sees another "Curryman" so edges his truck over again and SPLAT he hits him, with a smile he puts another tick on his windscreen.

After a few more miles he sees a vicar, so he stops and gives him a lift, then he sees another "Curryman", edges he truck over then thinks hell I can't do this I have a vicar sitting in the cab, so pulls out slightly then hears SPLAT, turns to the vicar and says bloody hell I thought I missed him, the vicar replies yes so did I that's why I opened the door.....

 

[shanky887614]

a pic from game i frequent