A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[specs]

For a couple of months now, I've been getting to know a very friendly young lady who insists on calling me every evening for a chat.

Earlier today, I plucked up the courage to ask her if I could masturbate to the sound of her sexy voice.

I think that's the last I've heard of Anglian Windows

 

[specs]

A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London.
He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because, as decreed by his religious teaching,
he must not listen to music because, in the time of the prophet, there was no music,
especially Western music which is the music of the infidel.

The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door.

The Arab Muslim asked him, "What are you doing?"

The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet, there were no taxis,
so **** off and wait for a camel!"

 

[specs]

Paddy weighs 20st so his doctor puts him on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day and repeat this for two weeks. You should lose 5lbs". When Paddy returns, he shocks the doctor by having lost 4st. "That's amazing" the doctor says... Paddy nodded, "I'll tell ya be Jazus, I taut I was gonna drop dead by da 3rd day". "What, from hunger?" asks the doctor. "No, from all da f******' skippin" says Paddy

 

[specs]

I texted my ex- wife a picture of my flaccid penis.

I wanted to let her know I was thinking about her

 

[specs]

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy birthday!", and possibly have a present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy birthday". I thought... well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember. My kids ate breakfast and didn't say a word.

So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Jane said, "Good morning boss, happy birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me". I said, "Thanks Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"


We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.


On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's go to my apartment".

After arriving at her apartment Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I'll be right back". "OK", I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake... followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and coworkers, all singing "Happy Birthday".

And I just sat there...




On the couch...





Naked...





(this isn't about me.....)

 

[specs]

Father O'Connor keeps chickens in a coup behind the church. One Sunday he goes to feed them and finds the cock's gone missing. He knows there's been cock fighting in the village so at mass he questions the congregation. "Has anybody got a cock"? All the men stand up. "No, No. I meant, has anybody seen a cock"? All the women stand up. "No, No. That's not what I meant either. Has anybody seen my cock"? 16 alter boys, two priests and a goat stood up...

 

[specs]

The zookeeper says to Paddy "The Gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with her... would you consider shagging her for £500"? Paddy replies "I will, on three conditions. Firstly, I don't have to kiss her. Secondly, my family will never get to know, and Thirdly, give me a couple of weeks to get the cash together".

 

[specs]

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC. " Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear,! in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day! you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you

 

[noobienoclue]

Q: When do you kick a midget in the balls? A: When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice

 

[noobienoclue]

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh..'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

 

[Silly Sausage]

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh..'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

'Yes' she says.
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'I suppose you've got an appointment with your proctologist later as well?!'

 

[ian.settle1]

'Yes' she says.
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'I suppose you've got an appointment with your proctologist later as well?!'

Yes she replied
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
How is your friend Mrs Palm and her five lovely daughters doing?

 

[specs]

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.
Nothing.

Just had my water bill of 175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just 2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.
I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt .
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...

Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots....Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.

ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY"
And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!!!

Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
Both in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka!

In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.

Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth

An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan ! He is making land Mines that look like prayer mats! Its doing well! Prophets are going through the roof!!

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, bugger the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'
Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.'
He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'

Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!

An elderly couple is attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.

 

[Silly Sausage]

Yes she replied
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
How is your friend Mrs Palm and her five lovely daughters doing?

'Not very well', they reply, 'We hurt ourselves tightening nuts earlier today'.
A few minutes later, he rolls out of bed and wanders down to the garden, trowel in hand.
'Good evening lawn, do you mind if I dig a small hole and line it with moss?'

 

[dan86]

Driving home from the pub earlier, we were pulled over by a Police Car.

"Everything alright officer?" I asked.

"Not really sir," he replied, "Your car was weaving across the road in a very uncontrolled manner."

"What do you expect?" I said, "I've had eight pints."

He laughed, "In that case, I fully understand why you let your wife drive home."